Tag: finding yourself (Page 1 of 4)

Pursuit of “Happyness”

October 3, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

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It’s a new year. I’m finished with school, again, and I just don’t know where I’m going next. We need to figure out a way to do better. Not that we are not doing well, but I just am so tired of struggling and not being able to be whimsical. Yet, I must give thanks to God for giving me the strength to come this far.

We watched Pursuit of Happyness today. The little boy tells this joke about a man that was drowning, yet he turns down two boats that happen by and offer to rescue him. He tells them that God will save him. After drowning he asks God why he did not save him. God tells the man he sent him two boats.

I wonder, do we just not see the salvation that is right in front of us? We keep looking for magical miracles and miss out on the tangible things. I just want to teach you guys right. I want to make you ready, and I don’t want you to be lazy. I don’t want you to quit and I don’t want you to think that everything is always so easy. Things can be, but not everything is. I don’t want you to be afraid of making tough decisions. I don’t want you to be afraid of making mistakes – just learn from them. Look around you and learn from your surroundings. Don’t learn all of your lessons from me. I’m not perfect. But, you both know that. I look at your pictures and time has just passed so quickly.

Emma, you never let me hold you enough.

Brandon, you grew old too fast. You both need to keep a little youth in you.

Emma, you need to learn to mind your temper and your tongue – that will be your cross.

Brandon, you need to learn to follow through and think – stop complaining.

Love, Mom

Let it be Difficult for Me Now

September 20, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

November_13_06

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11/13/06

As I was dozing while you guys each worked on something for school I could hear the two of you in the background. Brandon, you on the cello, and Emma, you on my computer – typing a journal entry for your drama class. You are both tired and frustrated, but of course, for different reasons. Brandon, the month will be long, filling out college applications and practicing more on your cello. Emma, you are, and will continue to be recovering from your accident. Your frustrations are valid. I hate to see the two of you struggle. I wish I could simply solve all of the woes that come your way and make everything right all the time. But life is not like that. And I have to keep telling myself that somethings I just have to let you “do”. I don’t always like it – It is difficult – for me. Let it be difficult for me now, and not for you later. I love you with all my blood and Soul.

Mom

Your Father is the One to Lose

September 17, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

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07-21-06

Well, today your father truly outdid himself. Brandon, your uncle Jamie got you a game to coach in So. Pas and your dad tried to take it away. If ever I felt rage it was tonight, towards your father. Baseball bat to the car and all. But, I truly believe that God and the universe are mighty. And Kharma is a powerful thing. Your grandfather George died alone. The only kindness he received was out of pity, not love, not respect. This happened because he was just as much a father to his seven children as your father has been to you and Emma. Your father is a jealous man. He is jealous of our success without him, just like his father was. He is now repeating the very same mistakes his own father made, with you and Emma. The worst part is that he is hurting you and Emma. But, why should you be spared merely because he know what it is like. I was joking about you changing your name, to end the cycle of the Nishinaka curse. After the joke I truly considered it to b a good idea. you and Emma are too good to be called Nishinaka. Emma, you were so hurt. I know you love your dad, and I understand that kind of love. An you are doing such a great job at standing your ground against daddy’s injustice. I know it has been difficult and painful, but this is something you must learn to do. If you let your father walk all over your heart, he will keep doing it. You and Brandon need to “keep together”, no matter what happens. Your father is the one to lose here.

You two are my universe, my system.

Mom-

Sacrifice Is Not A Terrible Thing

September 14, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

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7-15-06

There are so many things running through my mind right now. It’s late, but I’m not tired. Emma, I hope by now you’ve found a way to work out your kinks – life is not perfect. I keep trying to get you to accept that. Today you were upset about being asked to help walk the dogs with Phia. There truly was no reason for you to be upset, but you were. You protested that you had already done it. You spent all day at Mama Les, swimming and you can’t fint it in you to give a little more. I was washing her dishes for approximately a half an hour – dishes I did not even dirty. You did go, and it turned out that Xophia lost control of the dogs and needed your help afterall. It is so much easier to do for others. What you get back is joy. Last night you pitched a fit because you did not wish to celebrate my new job at the Brazilian restaurant. You were so mean – even snapped. “Don’t touch me” when I attempted to caress your face. Your words and your actions can cut through a heart. I swallowed my pain and told Nancy you were not going to spoil the celebration – but you already had. All of this because of your phobia over new things. Only to find, in the end, that you find your comfort zone and eventually join in – which you did. You joined in the eating and the laughter. It was only then a complete evening. Your angry words are nevertheless still in my chest, and the look on your face is vivid in my mind still. Your fears, unwarranted, and your phobias take you to the darkest of places. Do you not think that I get afraid. It is simply that I cannot show it. I must be strong for us. I am all that we have. I am the one responsible for getting you and your brother on your own adult feet. It is such a tremendous responsibility – You have no idea right now. Hopefully, by the time you read this all wounds have bee healed and you have more of an understanding for the magnitude and fragility of life. You are such a great person, if you allow it. Sacrifice is not a terrible thing, as long as it doesn’t hurt you. You can go without an extra ten minutes of rest, or wash an extra plate, or walk the dog again, or come to me with dinner (come to dinner with me?)- it won’t hurt you.

My Life Is Your Kharma

September 10, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

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06-28-06

My loves of my life:

A lot has transpired over the past months. So much that my energies were insufficient and my desire to communicate much of the events was non-existent. My relationship with Andrew has come to a close. You have both been privy to glimpses of what people can become in moments of emotional distress. It was just a couple of nights ago that Andrew dared come by the house unwelcome and uninvited. I felt such rage as I felt him invading and endangering our space – your space. I especially was protective of you Emma. You are going through such a rough time with your father. But, you are growing so much as a result. I know how painful it can all be sweety. I know how much you love daddy. You need to know that what has happened and will happen is not your fault or responsibility. You father has always been a martyr. he was when I met him, and he is to this day. Perhaps in the years to come he might find light in the love he may have for you. You both have definitely been my light, my strength, my courage, my love, my life. Without the two of you I am nothing. Brandon, you are getting ready to go to the Anime Expo – I don’t now why, but my heart aches, and tears flow forth at the thought of you being gone. I don’t know if it is the reality that you are growing up, or fear that something might happen to you, or a premonition – I hope I am wrong. I pray for both of you everyday, every night, when I wake up in the middle of the early morning, at all hours of the day. I pray God always watch over you and continue to strengthen my spirit and breathe me life. I am almost done with school – my MA in administration. I’ll be taking my comps in the Fall, and then I’ll be done. In the meantime I await the decision of the College Ready Charter School folks. We’ll see if I get the AP position for which I interviewed. There is much that I need to do for myself – for you guys. I often become overwhelmed and find sleep a great escape. I have neglected writing with all that has consumed me. Andrew really did deprive me of energy – so needy was he. I am still at the stage where he does not wish to let go, pouting and tantrums about ending this. So much so that I have forbidden him to come around or contact me in any way. I was so enraged the other night I could have hurt him had he insisted on not leaving. I have not felt that type of rage in such a long, long time. I felt, I suppose as a lioness would feel protecting my cubs. You two are my universe and everything around and inside of it. I love you both so, so, so very much. In fact, Gig and you, Emma, went out and bought Walters’ red shoes. I wrapped them and somehow it was decided that I would drop them off. But I cannot. I cannot for so many reasons – It is mean, sneaky, negative and my karma may be effected. Plus, it would be a form of deception, which is a lie and I cannot lie. So, I am going to let the girls down. I cannot help it. I love you two so incredibly much. I would not dare taint your karma with mine. I so hope that you are both as close as you can maximum be – as close to each others hearts as you are to mine. Brandon, don’t forget you are a role model to your sister in the area of a male and how a male should be. And Emma, you keep looking at the successes and promises of gain, not at your losses. Keep your eye on the glass half full, not the one that is half empty. And let go of the baggage. Brandon, don’t be lazy.

I love you,

Mom

Family is Practice for Real Life

September 5, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

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12/09/05

It is almost the close of another day, a Friday. I find myself frustrated and confused Em about what it is that you want and expect of me. One moment you’re in a good mood, happy, and we’re getting along great. And within minutes, or even seconds you mood has shifted and you’re angry or upset. I feel as if I can never win, and I simply cannot keep up with your pace. The truth of this all is that I feel as if I have failed as a mother – somehow, there is something I neglected to do. I don’t know how to help you. My fear for you is that you’ll be great in the outside world and unhappy in your heart. I have seen adults live their lives this way. Your father is like that. Everyone thinks he’s just great. But with intimacy, partnership, a human relationship – that is still missing. The worst part about it is that I’m disallowing your brother the space and opportunity to express how you are effecting him. I apologize for that Brandon. I don’t want you to be a man that is short, mean, and cruel with women, and I don’t want Emma to think that she deserves to be mistreated by men. But I think I need to begin to allow you, Brandon, to let her know directly when she is hurting the relationship. I do want you to be able to tell people, especially your partner, that harm is occurring in the relationship. I simply do not wish for your expressions to be angry or visceral – you will only bring embitterment to yourself. My worries for the two of you are joint and individual. As brother and sister and as human beings I don’t want or wish for you to struggle in your relationships with people as I have. I did not have the guidance of a mother, or a father and I’ve had to learn as I go. But, I do know what I wish for you, and it is nothing but an amazing, productive life. It seems Emma that we have a few amazing or positive moments a day, or perhaps every few days. I cannot imagine you having this level of a relationship with someone you choose as a mate or someone who chooses you. It does not feel pleasant to walk on egg shells around someone you’re “suppose” to love. I say suppose, because family love should just come naturally, it is built-in. It should not be earned, it does not need to grow through time, it simply is. Family is where you’re “suppose” to have love without conditions, without the need to earn it, or worry about losing it. Family is practice for real life, for strengthening that which we need to begin with someone else – to spread out, to share, to grow. When we’re ready, we find someone of our own with which to compart that which we’ve nurtured and made prosperous. Both of you have to help each other through this journey. That which one of you does not understand or finds difficulty accomplishing the other must assist. You will need each other, similar to how I need someone from my family – someone that know me and understands where I have been. I’ll never have that. You two are this very thing for each other. When you come to the place where you can see this to be true I want you both to be standing together, not apart. Together, to understand it, to feel it, and to appreciate that you are seeing it together.

As Always,

Your Mother

Pushed to One’s Limit

September 4, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

November_7_05

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We never know what people are capable of doing until you push them to their limits. This can be both a positive as much as a negative outcome. Up until this moment in my life I have unfortunately only seen the negative impact of someone’s limits being met. Perhaps some day I will see a magnificent positive outcome. Perhaps, someday my children, you will push your boundaries, expanding them and recreating them. What keeps people from becoming completely horrible people, when pushed too far, in their sense of rational, logical thought – one’s ability to control oneself. Without this, we give in to the “animal” response of human nature. I worry about you, my Emma. You have a tendency to five in to this response. I don’t know if it is because you wait too far before you bring a conflict to a head, or if it is because you lack the tools to clearly and more positively express your worries and concerns. The worse part of all of this is that no matter how much I try, the various approaches I can come up with, the various solutions I may offer none fit. and the bottom, bottom line is that none will “fit” until you decide you are ready to change the way you cope and deal with your conflicts.

We’re Okay

August 28, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

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8-16-05

I look at my parents and I am filled with mixed emotions about what is an acceptable explanation about why their children are out of control, and what is not. Then I wonder, who am I to judge? I try to understand certain situations. And then I hear the explanation and I wonder which part is reason and which part is excuse. The truth is that many of these parents look to us for answers. Many of them look to us to solve their problems. Many look to us to take their problems away. The reason I am telling you two this is because I wonder what I did that made things turn out okay for us. Despite our challenges, despite the banter between us, we’ve done well. None of you are on drugs (I hope), none of you beat people up, none of you are truant, none of you have run away from home. We’ve had our moments, mostly you Emma and I, Brandon occasionally , but all-in-all we’re okay. I hope we continue to improve – I know we will. You two have always driven me – you and the moments when I would become angry about our situation or some unfair or unkind thing your father would do. I would push harder, faster, become stronger. Some people ask me how I do it, or did it. The truth is looking back I do not know, I do not remember. All I know is that I knew what needed to be done and I focused. I did it. And I did it without compromising my values and my dignity. I know who I am, and I am constantly working at being a better person. I try to reflect on my experiences, my thoughts, my actions, my words as I speak them, and I ask for guidance. Mostly what I wish to stress is focus and drive. Stay positive, strong, and good and think about what you’re doing and why.

I Love you guys, Mom!

We Are Not Super-Human, We Are Just Human

August 26, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

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7/19/05

Em, you’re with dad for the summer. I hope your vacation is going well and as expected. I know how possessive you can be of your father and how that can feel. I use to always fantasize that if I could just take grandpa away from all the people that make him drink and be careless I could rescue him. I thought that all he needed was to get away. Obviously, that is not how things actually work, and therefore that is not how they worked. I eventually grew up and realized I was not responsible for raising my father. I believe I shared that sentiment with your brother when he was struggling at the age of five with what to do about daddy. I worry that you will grow up with a complex about yourself or your dad and simply have horrible relationships in the future. I know I cannot control your life or the decisions you choose to make. Nevertheless, I can warn you of danger signs. Don’t take responsibility for how others feel, and don’t worry about what people think. You are: beautiful, smart, bright, precocious, you have a great sense of humour, you have presence, you are strong and are an amazing human being. Now, you just need to believe it. The list can go on, I’m sure. I hope by the time you read this you have already figured out all of these things. Just in case, I wrote them down.

Brandon, you said something very interesting to me today. Just a reminder, we cleaned the inside of the car today because it had flies growing out of nowhere. I was making a big deal out of it, because flies are maggots with wings. A sign of rotting carnage, Uggh! I went on about it that you said ~”nothing ever” bothers me, or phases me, or disturbs me and you were surprised to see me go on about the flies. I explained of course that where there are flies, there is something dead. Nevertheless, it surprised me to see that you felt I am so composed about events and life, that was eye opening. Also, you won the query of whether it was Burbank to the left upper corner frame outside my window. This to impressed you and actually made you gloat. Your comment was you usually can never win against me. How large you see me. I’ll have to work on that. I hope by this time I have sorted or balanced some of your views. I am human. I’ve struggled for all of us to be where we are today and tomorrow.

I hope along the way I taught you two how to make it.

Always, always, always, stay together, be together, work through things together. I love you and I always worry about you.

Love Mom

I Hope I Altered Your Path

August 16, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

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5/24/05

Well my children, it’s perhaps the first time that you have both shared being in trouble. And while it is for different reasons, you are both sharing the burden of knowing you’ve hurt me.

Emma, for you it is not the first time you fit or tantrum over something, but I usually accept your indirect and irresponsible apology that comes the following day in pretense that nothing is wrong.

Brandon, your error comes in the same form it usually comes, the telling of a lie. I pray for guidance. I have dedicated my life to you two since my separation from your father and I feel as if I have done all and gained no respect from your knowledge and understanding of my actions.

How do I change this? How do I continue from here? What more do you need? I hope and pray that too has a reason, and a positive outcome.

I always say that things occur because they should. I only wish the change that occurrences bring are positive ones.

I work soo hard. I know neither of you yet comprehends all that I do. Hopefully you will never feel my sorrow, pain, and disappointment. Learn from our paths. I know I am not leaving you much, but I have hopefully altered the path my ancestors laid into a richer one. I have hopefully injected your lives with possibilities. Take advantage of all the opportunities that come your way. And above all love, honor and respect yourself and one-another. May God and all the spiritual and universal beings continue to watch over you and guide you and protect you from harms way.

I Love You Both With All My Heart and Soul – Mom 5 ’05

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