Category: Life (Page 2 of 7)

Sacrifice Is Not A Terrible Thing

September 14, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

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7-15-06

There are so many things running through my mind right now. It’s late, but I’m not tired. Emma, I hope by now you’ve found a way to work out your kinks – life is not perfect. I keep trying to get you to accept that. Today you were upset about being asked to help walk the dogs with Phia. There truly was no reason for you to be upset, but you were. You protested that you had already done it. You spent all day at Mama Les, swimming and you can’t fint it in you to give a little more. I was washing her dishes for approximately a half an hour – dishes I did not even dirty. You did go, and it turned out that Xophia lost control of the dogs and needed your help afterall. It is so much easier to do for others. What you get back is joy. Last night you pitched a fit because you did not wish to celebrate my new job at the Brazilian restaurant. You were so mean – even snapped. “Don’t touch me” when I attempted to caress your face. Your words and your actions can cut through a heart. I swallowed my pain and told Nancy you were not going to spoil the celebration – but you already had. All of this because of your phobia over new things. Only to find, in the end, that you find your comfort zone and eventually join in – which you did. You joined in the eating and the laughter. It was only then a complete evening. Your angry words are nevertheless still in my chest, and the look on your face is vivid in my mind still. Your fears, unwarranted, and your phobias take you to the darkest of places. Do you not think that I get afraid. It is simply that I cannot show it. I must be strong for us. I am all that we have. I am the one responsible for getting you and your brother on your own adult feet. It is such a tremendous responsibility – You have no idea right now. Hopefully, by the time you read this all wounds have bee healed and you have more of an understanding for the magnitude and fragility of life. You are such a great person, if you allow it. Sacrifice is not a terrible thing, as long as it doesn’t hurt you. You can go without an extra ten minutes of rest, or wash an extra plate, or walk the dog again, or come to me with dinner (come to dinner with me?)- it won’t hurt you.

Odd People

September 13, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

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07-04-06

Pops – You came back from your Anime Expo thing today. While you talked about the “weird guy” all I could think about was that it’s odd people like him that can turn an exciting experience into a scary one. What if this guy had turned out to be a mental freak and harmed one of you? The human being is an unpredictable living creature. I am glad you’re home. I worry about you growing up. Don’t always be so trusting.

Momma – You’re spending the night at grandmas for the fourth. I worry about you with the cousins sometimes. They’re not all sane. And you sometimes venture to be the bold one. There is no need for that. Slow down, observe more than you participate, and when you do, make it count.

Love Mom

Negative Moments

September 11, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

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07/02/06

Well, Brandon. You’re at the Anime Expo and Emma, you are playing Sims – you did not to with your father this summer. It is a hot summer. Emma, we just had a negative moment. I never know what it is that set you off. You were retrieving messages from your voicemail and you snapped when i tried to fix your shirt strap. I don’t know why you became angry, but you slapped my hand. At first I thought you were kidding, but you slapped it again and snapped at me – it was pretty hard. I slapped your hand back. I was surprised, I don’t know why, at how angry you became over something to simple. Then again this is how you sometimes get. You were more upset about listening to your friends message. You don’t know how hard it is to be me.

Love Mom

My Life Is Your Kharma

September 10, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

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06-28-06

My loves of my life:

A lot has transpired over the past months. So much that my energies were insufficient and my desire to communicate much of the events was non-existent. My relationship with Andrew has come to a close. You have both been privy to glimpses of what people can become in moments of emotional distress. It was just a couple of nights ago that Andrew dared come by the house unwelcome and uninvited. I felt such rage as I felt him invading and endangering our space – your space. I especially was protective of you Emma. You are going through such a rough time with your father. But, you are growing so much as a result. I know how painful it can all be sweety. I know how much you love daddy. You need to know that what has happened and will happen is not your fault or responsibility. You father has always been a martyr. he was when I met him, and he is to this day. Perhaps in the years to come he might find light in the love he may have for you. You both have definitely been my light, my strength, my courage, my love, my life. Without the two of you I am nothing. Brandon, you are getting ready to go to the Anime Expo – I don’t now why, but my heart aches, and tears flow forth at the thought of you being gone. I don’t know if it is the reality that you are growing up, or fear that something might happen to you, or a premonition – I hope I am wrong. I pray for both of you everyday, every night, when I wake up in the middle of the early morning, at all hours of the day. I pray God always watch over you and continue to strengthen my spirit and breathe me life. I am almost done with school – my MA in administration. I’ll be taking my comps in the Fall, and then I’ll be done. In the meantime I await the decision of the College Ready Charter School folks. We’ll see if I get the AP position for which I interviewed. There is much that I need to do for myself – for you guys. I often become overwhelmed and find sleep a great escape. I have neglected writing with all that has consumed me. Andrew really did deprive me of energy – so needy was he. I am still at the stage where he does not wish to let go, pouting and tantrums about ending this. So much so that I have forbidden him to come around or contact me in any way. I was so enraged the other night I could have hurt him had he insisted on not leaving. I have not felt that type of rage in such a long, long time. I felt, I suppose as a lioness would feel protecting my cubs. You two are my universe and everything around and inside of it. I love you both so, so, so very much. In fact, Gig and you, Emma, went out and bought Walters’ red shoes. I wrapped them and somehow it was decided that I would drop them off. But I cannot. I cannot for so many reasons – It is mean, sneaky, negative and my karma may be effected. Plus, it would be a form of deception, which is a lie and I cannot lie. So, I am going to let the girls down. I cannot help it. I love you two so incredibly much. I would not dare taint your karma with mine. I so hope that you are both as close as you can maximum be – as close to each others hearts as you are to mine. Brandon, don’t forget you are a role model to your sister in the area of a male and how a male should be. And Emma, you keep looking at the successes and promises of gain, not at your losses. Keep your eye on the glass half full, not the one that is half empty. And let go of the baggage. Brandon, don’t be lazy.

I love you,

Mom

Any Good

September 6, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

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1/8/06

Every day I ask God to watch over you. I ask him to watch over me. I thank him for doing so thus far and pray for strength – continued strength. Life has been a challenge, but it has been good to us. We are in a good place. I worry that I will not be able to keep it up. I worry that I will “drop the ball” and fail you as a mother and as your protector. If I ever do, please always remember that I love you and you have always been my main focus, priority, concern. You two are my world, you are the reason I am any good. Without your guidance and your love I would be lost.

You are my world,

Mom

Pushed to One’s Limit

September 4, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

November_7_05

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We never know what people are capable of doing until you push them to their limits. This can be both a positive as much as a negative outcome. Up until this moment in my life I have unfortunately only seen the negative impact of someone’s limits being met. Perhaps some day I will see a magnificent positive outcome. Perhaps, someday my children, you will push your boundaries, expanding them and recreating them. What keeps people from becoming completely horrible people, when pushed too far, in their sense of rational, logical thought – one’s ability to control oneself. Without this, we give in to the “animal” response of human nature. I worry about you, my Emma. You have a tendency to five in to this response. I don’t know if it is because you wait too far before you bring a conflict to a head, or if it is because you lack the tools to clearly and more positively express your worries and concerns. The worse part of all of this is that no matter how much I try, the various approaches I can come up with, the various solutions I may offer none fit. and the bottom, bottom line is that none will “fit” until you decide you are ready to change the way you cope and deal with your conflicts.

Never Be So Consumed

September 3, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

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11/4/05

We should never be so consumed by our own grief that we do not see the beauty of those around us.

Carelessness Reaps Regret

September 2, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

October_18_05

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My dearest children,

Life is at its most trying moment when you look about and see people’s human frailties. You see one day and find that those you least expected have let you down in ways you never imagined. It is so much easier to keep people away. It hurts less. The past three years to four weeks have been especially trying. I’ve tried writing to you about it but I have not had the strength. There has been much turmoil – in many areas of the word. The one most directly related to you has been the possible cessation of karate with Sensei. He took the month of October off and has considered not returning. It is not yet decided, but he believes he should be back. Unfortunately, I will not be back on the floor anytime soon, if ever at all. For reasons I cannot share the favor of not returning to the floor has or will be made by me to your Sensei. It appears that my presence has brought conflict within he and another student – for truly unreasonable and unrealistic reasons. Hence, to lesson the burden, and simplify everyone’s return I have offered to pull myself out of the equation It is hurtful to me because I have been with your Sensei for so long, and I have been his friend. It is perhaps because I am his friend that I offer this most painful resolution, which he has eagerly accepted. His eagerness at my suggestion is perhaps the most upsetting. I feel betrayed. Betrayal because of one careless act. Carelessness reaps regret. So many other things have been difficult as of late. My heart is heavy. My eyes hold back my tears. But not from control but from an inability to cry at times. There is this fear that if I cry I’ll lose it all.

We’re Okay

August 28, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

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8-16-05

I look at my parents and I am filled with mixed emotions about what is an acceptable explanation about why their children are out of control, and what is not. Then I wonder, who am I to judge? I try to understand certain situations. And then I hear the explanation and I wonder which part is reason and which part is excuse. The truth is that many of these parents look to us for answers. Many of them look to us to solve their problems. Many look to us to take their problems away. The reason I am telling you two this is because I wonder what I did that made things turn out okay for us. Despite our challenges, despite the banter between us, we’ve done well. None of you are on drugs (I hope), none of you beat people up, none of you are truant, none of you have run away from home. We’ve had our moments, mostly you Emma and I, Brandon occasionally , but all-in-all we’re okay. I hope we continue to improve – I know we will. You two have always driven me – you and the moments when I would become angry about our situation or some unfair or unkind thing your father would do. I would push harder, faster, become stronger. Some people ask me how I do it, or did it. The truth is looking back I do not know, I do not remember. All I know is that I knew what needed to be done and I focused. I did it. And I did it without compromising my values and my dignity. I know who I am, and I am constantly working at being a better person. I try to reflect on my experiences, my thoughts, my actions, my words as I speak them, and I ask for guidance. Mostly what I wish to stress is focus and drive. Stay positive, strong, and good and think about what you’re doing and why.

I Love you guys, Mom!

We Are Not Super-Human, We Are Just Human

August 26, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

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7/19/05

Em, you’re with dad for the summer. I hope your vacation is going well and as expected. I know how possessive you can be of your father and how that can feel. I use to always fantasize that if I could just take grandpa away from all the people that make him drink and be careless I could rescue him. I thought that all he needed was to get away. Obviously, that is not how things actually work, and therefore that is not how they worked. I eventually grew up and realized I was not responsible for raising my father. I believe I shared that sentiment with your brother when he was struggling at the age of five with what to do about daddy. I worry that you will grow up with a complex about yourself or your dad and simply have horrible relationships in the future. I know I cannot control your life or the decisions you choose to make. Nevertheless, I can warn you of danger signs. Don’t take responsibility for how others feel, and don’t worry about what people think. You are: beautiful, smart, bright, precocious, you have a great sense of humour, you have presence, you are strong and are an amazing human being. Now, you just need to believe it. The list can go on, I’m sure. I hope by the time you read this you have already figured out all of these things. Just in case, I wrote them down.

Brandon, you said something very interesting to me today. Just a reminder, we cleaned the inside of the car today because it had flies growing out of nowhere. I was making a big deal out of it, because flies are maggots with wings. A sign of rotting carnage, Uggh! I went on about it that you said ~”nothing ever” bothers me, or phases me, or disturbs me and you were surprised to see me go on about the flies. I explained of course that where there are flies, there is something dead. Nevertheless, it surprised me to see that you felt I am so composed about events and life, that was eye opening. Also, you won the query of whether it was Burbank to the left upper corner frame outside my window. This to impressed you and actually made you gloat. Your comment was you usually can never win against me. How large you see me. I’ll have to work on that. I hope by this time I have sorted or balanced some of your views. I am human. I’ve struggled for all of us to be where we are today and tomorrow.

I hope along the way I taught you two how to make it.

Always, always, always, stay together, be together, work through things together. I love you and I always worry about you.

Love Mom

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