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When it Rains, Look for the Silver Lining

September 18, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

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07-24-06

Boy-When it rains it pours, and the, if you keep your eyes open, a little silver lining. Well, I’ve been processing all of the “paperwork” for leaving the District only to continue encountering one pebble in the road after another. To make matters slightly more taxing, the car over heated, and I don’t know just how bad it is. I hope I did not kill anything major. I had to leave it at the gas station down the road, I hope it’s okay. If it isn’t one thing, it’s something else. Money is pretty tight right now. Pinching pennies. I hope things let up soon. God give me strength. Still no word from the IRS on replacing the stolen check, I need to call them too. And, your father’s fiasco is fresh on my mind. Argh! But, (silver lining) my teacher, who is some District employee is really nice and is willing to look at my letter to the District regarding my resignation. And, my student Juan called. I haven’t heard from him in a while. I’ll call him tomorrow. So, I’ll just have to sleep on my troubles so I have the strength to fight them away tomorrow. My babies, I just want a better life for both of you. I hope that by the time you read these pages I have done that.

I Love You Two Sooooooo Much!

You are my Universe!

I am nothing Without You!

I Love You –

Mom

Your Father is the One to Lose

September 17, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

July_21_06

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07-21-06

Well, today your father truly outdid himself. Brandon, your uncle Jamie got you a game to coach in So. Pas and your dad tried to take it away. If ever I felt rage it was tonight, towards your father. Baseball bat to the car and all. But, I truly believe that God and the universe are mighty. And Kharma is a powerful thing. Your grandfather George died alone. The only kindness he received was out of pity, not love, not respect. This happened because he was just as much a father to his seven children as your father has been to you and Emma. Your father is a jealous man. He is jealous of our success without him, just like his father was. He is now repeating the very same mistakes his own father made, with you and Emma. The worst part is that he is hurting you and Emma. But, why should you be spared merely because he know what it is like. I was joking about you changing your name, to end the cycle of the Nishinaka curse. After the joke I truly considered it to b a good idea. you and Emma are too good to be called Nishinaka. Emma, you were so hurt. I know you love your dad, and I understand that kind of love. An you are doing such a great job at standing your ground against daddy’s injustice. I know it has been difficult and painful, but this is something you must learn to do. If you let your father walk all over your heart, he will keep doing it. You and Brandon need to “keep together”, no matter what happens. Your father is the one to lose here.

You two are my universe, my system.

Mom-

Sacrifice Is Not A Terrible Thing

September 14, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

July_15_06

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7-15-06

There are so many things running through my mind right now. It’s late, but I’m not tired. Emma, I hope by now you’ve found a way to work out your kinks – life is not perfect. I keep trying to get you to accept that. Today you were upset about being asked to help walk the dogs with Phia. There truly was no reason for you to be upset, but you were. You protested that you had already done it. You spent all day at Mama Les, swimming and you can’t fint it in you to give a little more. I was washing her dishes for approximately a half an hour – dishes I did not even dirty. You did go, and it turned out that Xophia lost control of the dogs and needed your help afterall. It is so much easier to do for others. What you get back is joy. Last night you pitched a fit because you did not wish to celebrate my new job at the Brazilian restaurant. You were so mean – even snapped. “Don’t touch me” when I attempted to caress your face. Your words and your actions can cut through a heart. I swallowed my pain and told Nancy you were not going to spoil the celebration – but you already had. All of this because of your phobia over new things. Only to find, in the end, that you find your comfort zone and eventually join in – which you did. You joined in the eating and the laughter. It was only then a complete evening. Your angry words are nevertheless still in my chest, and the look on your face is vivid in my mind still. Your fears, unwarranted, and your phobias take you to the darkest of places. Do you not think that I get afraid. It is simply that I cannot show it. I must be strong for us. I am all that we have. I am the one responsible for getting you and your brother on your own adult feet. It is such a tremendous responsibility – You have no idea right now. Hopefully, by the time you read this all wounds have bee healed and you have more of an understanding for the magnitude and fragility of life. You are such a great person, if you allow it. Sacrifice is not a terrible thing, as long as it doesn’t hurt you. You can go without an extra ten minutes of rest, or wash an extra plate, or walk the dog again, or come to me with dinner (come to dinner with me?)- it won’t hurt you.

Odd People

September 13, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

July_4_06

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07-04-06

Pops – You came back from your Anime Expo thing today. While you talked about the “weird guy” all I could think about was that it’s odd people like him that can turn an exciting experience into a scary one. What if this guy had turned out to be a mental freak and harmed one of you? The human being is an unpredictable living creature. I am glad you’re home. I worry about you growing up. Don’t always be so trusting.

Momma – You’re spending the night at grandmas for the fourth. I worry about you with the cousins sometimes. They’re not all sane. And you sometimes venture to be the bold one. There is no need for that. Slow down, observe more than you participate, and when you do, make it count.

Love Mom

The Stuff That Consumes You

September 12, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

July_3_06

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07-03-06

Hey Bug-

You fell asleep on the living room floor tonight. I went to give you a kiss goodnight, which you make difficult usually. You were so asleep. Your jaw was relaxed and you were truly asleep. You looked so pure and open. I rarely get to see that “you”. I was able to give you a kiss goodnight and admire how great you are when you’re not worried about the “stuff” that consumes you. I Love You –

Mom.

Negative Moments

September 11, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

July_2_06

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07/02/06

Well, Brandon. You’re at the Anime Expo and Emma, you are playing Sims – you did not to with your father this summer. It is a hot summer. Emma, we just had a negative moment. I never know what it is that set you off. You were retrieving messages from your voicemail and you snapped when i tried to fix your shirt strap. I don’t know why you became angry, but you slapped my hand. At first I thought you were kidding, but you slapped it again and snapped at me – it was pretty hard. I slapped your hand back. I was surprised, I don’t know why, at how angry you became over something to simple. Then again this is how you sometimes get. You were more upset about listening to your friends message. You don’t know how hard it is to be me.

Love Mom

My Life Is Your Kharma

September 10, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

June_28_06

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06-28-06

My loves of my life:

A lot has transpired over the past months. So much that my energies were insufficient and my desire to communicate much of the events was non-existent. My relationship with Andrew has come to a close. You have both been privy to glimpses of what people can become in moments of emotional distress. It was just a couple of nights ago that Andrew dared come by the house unwelcome and uninvited. I felt such rage as I felt him invading and endangering our space – your space. I especially was protective of you Emma. You are going through such a rough time with your father. But, you are growing so much as a result. I know how painful it can all be sweety. I know how much you love daddy. You need to know that what has happened and will happen is not your fault or responsibility. You father has always been a martyr. he was when I met him, and he is to this day. Perhaps in the years to come he might find light in the love he may have for you. You both have definitely been my light, my strength, my courage, my love, my life. Without the two of you I am nothing. Brandon, you are getting ready to go to the Anime Expo – I don’t now why, but my heart aches, and tears flow forth at the thought of you being gone. I don’t know if it is the reality that you are growing up, or fear that something might happen to you, or a premonition – I hope I am wrong. I pray for both of you everyday, every night, when I wake up in the middle of the early morning, at all hours of the day. I pray God always watch over you and continue to strengthen my spirit and breathe me life. I am almost done with school – my MA in administration. I’ll be taking my comps in the Fall, and then I’ll be done. In the meantime I await the decision of the College Ready Charter School folks. We’ll see if I get the AP position for which I interviewed. There is much that I need to do for myself – for you guys. I often become overwhelmed and find sleep a great escape. I have neglected writing with all that has consumed me. Andrew really did deprive me of energy – so needy was he. I am still at the stage where he does not wish to let go, pouting and tantrums about ending this. So much so that I have forbidden him to come around or contact me in any way. I was so enraged the other night I could have hurt him had he insisted on not leaving. I have not felt that type of rage in such a long, long time. I felt, I suppose as a lioness would feel protecting my cubs. You two are my universe and everything around and inside of it. I love you both so, so, so very much. In fact, Gig and you, Emma, went out and bought Walters’ red shoes. I wrapped them and somehow it was decided that I would drop them off. But I cannot. I cannot for so many reasons – It is mean, sneaky, negative and my karma may be effected. Plus, it would be a form of deception, which is a lie and I cannot lie. So, I am going to let the girls down. I cannot help it. I love you two so incredibly much. I would not dare taint your karma with mine. I so hope that you are both as close as you can maximum be – as close to each others hearts as you are to mine. Brandon, don’t forget you are a role model to your sister in the area of a male and how a male should be. And Emma, you keep looking at the successes and promises of gain, not at your losses. Keep your eye on the glass half full, not the one that is half empty. And let go of the baggage. Brandon, don’t be lazy.

I love you,

Mom

Any Good

September 6, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

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1/8/06

Every day I ask God to watch over you. I ask him to watch over me. I thank him for doing so thus far and pray for strength – continued strength. Life has been a challenge, but it has been good to us. We are in a good place. I worry that I will not be able to keep it up. I worry that I will “drop the ball” and fail you as a mother and as your protector. If I ever do, please always remember that I love you and you have always been my main focus, priority, concern. You two are my world, you are the reason I am any good. Without your guidance and your love I would be lost.

You are my world,

Mom

Family is Practice for Real Life

September 5, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

December_9_05

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12/09/05

It is almost the close of another day, a Friday. I find myself frustrated and confused Em about what it is that you want and expect of me. One moment you’re in a good mood, happy, and we’re getting along great. And within minutes, or even seconds you mood has shifted and you’re angry or upset. I feel as if I can never win, and I simply cannot keep up with your pace. The truth of this all is that I feel as if I have failed as a mother – somehow, there is something I neglected to do. I don’t know how to help you. My fear for you is that you’ll be great in the outside world and unhappy in your heart. I have seen adults live their lives this way. Your father is like that. Everyone thinks he’s just great. But with intimacy, partnership, a human relationship – that is still missing. The worst part about it is that I’m disallowing your brother the space and opportunity to express how you are effecting him. I apologize for that Brandon. I don’t want you to be a man that is short, mean, and cruel with women, and I don’t want Emma to think that she deserves to be mistreated by men. But I think I need to begin to allow you, Brandon, to let her know directly when she is hurting the relationship. I do want you to be able to tell people, especially your partner, that harm is occurring in the relationship. I simply do not wish for your expressions to be angry or visceral – you will only bring embitterment to yourself. My worries for the two of you are joint and individual. As brother and sister and as human beings I don’t want or wish for you to struggle in your relationships with people as I have. I did not have the guidance of a mother, or a father and I’ve had to learn as I go. But, I do know what I wish for you, and it is nothing but an amazing, productive life. It seems Emma that we have a few amazing or positive moments a day, or perhaps every few days. I cannot imagine you having this level of a relationship with someone you choose as a mate or someone who chooses you. It does not feel pleasant to walk on egg shells around someone you’re “suppose” to love. I say suppose, because family love should just come naturally, it is built-in. It should not be earned, it does not need to grow through time, it simply is. Family is where you’re “suppose” to have love without conditions, without the need to earn it, or worry about losing it. Family is practice for real life, for strengthening that which we need to begin with someone else – to spread out, to share, to grow. When we’re ready, we find someone of our own with which to compart that which we’ve nurtured and made prosperous. Both of you have to help each other through this journey. That which one of you does not understand or finds difficulty accomplishing the other must assist. You will need each other, similar to how I need someone from my family – someone that know me and understands where I have been. I’ll never have that. You two are this very thing for each other. When you come to the place where you can see this to be true I want you both to be standing together, not apart. Together, to understand it, to feel it, and to appreciate that you are seeing it together.

As Always,

Your Mother

Pushed to One’s Limit

September 4, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

November_7_05

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We never know what people are capable of doing until you push them to their limits. This can be both a positive as much as a negative outcome. Up until this moment in my life I have unfortunately only seen the negative impact of someone’s limits being met. Perhaps some day I will see a magnificent positive outcome. Perhaps, someday my children, you will push your boundaries, expanding them and recreating them. What keeps people from becoming completely horrible people, when pushed too far, in their sense of rational, logical thought – one’s ability to control oneself. Without this, we give in to the “animal” response of human nature. I worry about you, my Emma. You have a tendency to five in to this response. I don’t know if it is because you wait too far before you bring a conflict to a head, or if it is because you lack the tools to clearly and more positively express your worries and concerns. The worse part of all of this is that no matter how much I try, the various approaches I can come up with, the various solutions I may offer none fit. and the bottom, bottom line is that none will “fit” until you decide you are ready to change the way you cope and deal with your conflicts.

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