The B-Side of Life

not just the hits

Tag: working on life

Sacrifice Is Not A Terrible Thing

September 14, 2018 / / 0 Comments

July_15_06

Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):

7-15-06

There are so many things running through my mind right now.  It’s late, but I’m not tired.  Emma, I hope by now you’ve found a way to work out your kinks – life is not perfect.  I keep trying to get you to accept that.  Today you were upset about being asked to help walk the dogs with Phia.  There truly was no reason for you to be upset, but you were.  You protested that you had already done it.  You spent all day at Mama Les, swimming and you can’t fint it in you to give a little more.  I was washing her dishes for approximately a half an hour – dishes I did not even dirty.  You did go, and it turned out that Xophia lost control of the dogs and needed your help afterall.  It is so much easier to do for others.  What you get back is joy.  Last night you pitched a fit because you did not wish to celebrate my new job at the Brazilian restaurant.  You were so mean – even snapped.  “Don’t touch me” when I attempted to caress your face.  Your words and your actions can cut through a heart.  I swallowed my pain and told Nancy you were not going to spoil the celebration – but you already had.  All of this because of your phobia over new things.  Only to find, in the end, that you find your comfort zone and eventually join in – which you did.  You joined in the eating and the laughter.  It was only then a complete evening.  Your angry words are nevertheless still in my chest, and the look on your face is vivid in my mind still.  Your fears, unwarranted, and your phobias take you to the darkest of places.  Do you not think that I get afraid.  It is simply that I cannot show it.  I must be strong for us.  I am all that we have.  I am the one responsible for getting you and your brother on your own adult feet.  It is such a tremendous responsibility – You have no idea right now.  Hopefully, by the time you read this all wounds have bee healed and you have more of an understanding for the magnitude and fragility of life.  You are such a great person, if you allow it.  Sacrifice is not a terrible thing, as long as it doesn’t hurt you.  You can go without an extra ten minutes of rest, or wash an extra plate, or walk the dog again, or come to me with dinner (come to dinner with me?)- it won’t hurt you.

 

 

Negative Moments

September 11, 2018 / / 0 Comments

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Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):

07/02/06

Well, Brandon.  You’re at the Anime Expo and Emma, you are playing Sims – you did not to with your father this summer.  It is a hot summer.  Emma, we just had a negative moment.  I never know what it is that set you off.  You were retrieving messages from your voicemail and you snapped when i tried to fix your shirt strap.  I don’t know why you became angry, but you slapped my hand.  At first I thought you were kidding, but you slapped it again and snapped at me – it was pretty hard.  I slapped your hand back.  I was surprised, I don’t know why, at how angry you became over something to simple.  Then again this is how you sometimes get.  You were more upset about listening to your friends message.  You don’t know how hard it is to be me.

Love Mom

We’re Okay

August 28, 2018 / / 0 Comments

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Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):

8-16-05

I look at my parents and I am filled with mixed emotions about what is an acceptable explanation about why their children are out of control, and what is not.  Then I wonder, who am I to judge? I try to understand certain situations.  And then I hear the explanation and I wonder which part is reason and which part is excuse.  The truth is that many of these parents look to us for answers.  Many of them look to us to solve their problems.  Many look to us to take their problems away.  The reason I am telling you two this is because I wonder what I did that made things turn out okay for us.  Despite our challenges, despite the banter between us, we’ve done well.  None of you are on drugs (I hope), none of you beat people up, none of you are truant, none of you have run away from home.  We’ve had our moments, mostly you Emma and I, Brandon occasionally , but all-in-all we’re okay.  I hope we continue to improve – I know we will. You two have always driven me – you and the moments when I would become angry about our situation or some unfair or unkind thing your father would do.  I would push harder, faster, become stronger.  Some people ask me how I do it, or did it.  The truth is looking back I do not know, I do not remember.  All I know is that I knew what needed to be done and I focused.  I did it.  And I did it without compromising my values and my dignity.  I know who I am, and I am constantly working at being a better person.  I try to reflect on my experiences, my thoughts, my actions, my words as I speak them, and I ask for guidance.  Mostly what I wish to stress is focus and drive.  Stay positive, strong, and good and think about what you’re doing and why.

I Love you guys, Mom!

To Get Started, Just Get Started

June 17, 2018 / / 0 Comments

So, it’s been a minute since I post anything, since I’m not always in a place, situation or mood where I can type a post, but I can voice record.

When I started this journey, it was with the intention of offering up some of my experiences/struggles in life as company to others with similar experiences/struggles in solidarity.  I have failed to share, so I’m going to try it this way.  I know it requires people to listen, instead of read.  But hey, that way you too can multi-task.

Feel free to share your thoughts.

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