In the absence of putting pencil to paper, I am putting thoughts to audio.
TOL July 21, 2018:
Just what is deception?
Thinking Out Loud (TOL) June 28, 2018:
What Is Wrong With Society? People.
Tag: self-reflection (Page 3 of 3)
Typed Text From Journal Page:
I was wondering what I look like to you two from where you see. I see myself aging, sagging south, losing hair, “fighting” the midriff bulge that appears at thirty-something, somehow trying to convince myself I can slow the process down. For perspective on when today is, tomorrow is your end-of-year performance at RenArts, your first one, graduation for South Pas is on Thursday, and Emma you’ve yet to decide what is best for Emma with regards to going to see the “girls”. We continue to work through, working through. Emma-trying to better prepare for your high stress moments and your stressed stress moments, and your stressed moments. It seems like there is always something, but I worry you will always be too stressed to handle “it” with a level head. Brandon, I worry you will always pretend you are cooler and more in control, when in fact you are so similar to Emma. You two need to balance each other out. Well, back to me. Brandon, I know you notice me aging, and I hope I am not disappointing you. I know you want me to keep up in Karate, but is it because you “expect more” as you say, or is it that you are uncomfortable with me not keeping up – too much a reminder that I am aging? Em, I don’t think you even notice. You don’t pay attention to very much of my “stuff”, and I hope you don’t wake up someday and realize I am old, decrepit, and senile and you don’t remember me any other way. Worse would be you feeling that you missed out. I hope that never happens. Nevertheless, I do wonder how the two of you see me now, and will see me in my winter. I hope you know, by the time you read these pages, that my every moment was lived and thought with you in mind. I am trying to keep myself fitter than say five or even ten years ago – but I am beginning to feel my age. I am young, but an old thirty-eight. It almost surprises me that I am my age. It somehow crept up on me. In two years I’ll be forty, and I wish to celebrate with a healthy mind and body. I wish I could live for as long as you will need me, but I’ll have to settle for as long as I will – and hope I can make that a long while. I pray for us every night and everyday. I’ll pray for you forever. I love you both – Mom
Typed Text From Journal Page:
My Lives
It has been a long week and it certainly was a long day. You both had your presentations today and you performed with flying colors. Your teachers are all incredibly pleased with you all/both, and I am excited for you. Em, I have shared with you that I think, after all that has happened, that you are afraid of success. The more I watch and listen the stronger this impression becomes. I cannot help but begin yet on a new mission to help guide you through if in fact we find this to be true. It is my new theory given the fact that on the one hand you show growth, express excitement, share new learning, glow over but yet you claim unhappiness with no known source and a desire to leave. I can’t help to wonder if you want to escape all the positive growth because you are afraid to succeed. How do I help[?] Brandon, you are showing growth through leadership. You turned in your first job application, you are conducting for Maggie, leading boys dance teams, and hopefully, recognizing that you have gifts to share, you both do, and it should be a goal, a mission, to do that. Our purpose in life should be to leave where you’ve been a better place. Touch it with your gifts and leave your magic. I will leave you very little, but I hope it’s quality will last beyond a lifetime.
You guys are my world.
Mom
This day was a holiday. According to the journal entry, we didn’t do much and I felt it was a “taskless day”, lost without routine and something to keep us grounded.
Read on.
Love,
Mom
These we’re sort of my guides, my go to’s. The one not listed, didn’t need to be at the time because it was already a part of my mental constitution -Be a person of integrity, no matter how difficult.
Tenets
Moon Jelly
Finally pulled out my “history bin”. You know, that little box in which you keep some of your past locked up – the past you won’t let go of and you refuse your husband permission to throw it out. The box that sits in the back corner of your closet shelf or the bottom of your closet behind everything else. Mine is a plastic bin and it holds “journals” filled with drunken rants, reaches at poetry and stories that someday wished to be told. The following is an undated entry written circa 1997, since that’s when some of the other entries were written.
I am not wrong
I look around me and question the actions which provoke me
The actions which provoke my thoughts of rebellion and disgust
Disgust with the way they manipulate peoples lives, peoples thoughts, peoples feelings
Feelings which are not wrong when they are from the heart
Feelings which are turned around by those who do not like to be seen through
I respect those people
For what they are is a product of what they have been through
But I cease the vicious circle which they are a part of
I will not let myself be pulled into that circle which surrounds the souls of the innocent and pretends to be their protector and enslaves them to a truth they do not know
A truth which is not existent in the world of the few
Only in the world of the many
They are made to believe what is inside this prison and made to evangelize that truth
A truth which many cannot see through
Only the few surviving
But they are constantly threatened by the deceivers of the circle
A circle I will not be a link to
I will not let the chains bind my soul
I am not wrong
I will continue to look through those which surround me and try to imprison me in their hold
telling me their truth
Their truths which are my lies
I will not be made to live inside their world
My world is small and few live within it
But we are not blind
We are strong
We see through their walls
We see through their circle
I am not wrong
I am not right
I have respect for those people
For that is all they know
Some day something will change
But for now – I am not wrong
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