Tag: moving forward (Page 1 of 2)

Life’s a Blur

November 28, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

One day you wake up and you don’t recognize yourself. You don’t know what you want in life, who you are, and you’ve forgotten most of where you’ve been. You spend so much time surviving and keeping your head above water that you don’t glance back to see what the trail looks like, just in case you need to return to where you started – you just keep walking in a forward direction. Unfortunate reality is that in order to move forward you need to know where you’ve been. You need to know what you’ve done, other than accomplish things to stay afloat.

I typically tell people I have no family but my kids. I get a funny look and people don’t know how to react, if at all. Truth is that until I say it, I myself don’t realize that’s my reality. My kids. They are my only family. Truth is that if I had more family I don’t know what I’d do. Or maybe I would because I’d be different. Sometimes the sound around me is so quiet my ears hurt – and I can hear everything.

My kids have built lives for themselves and they are living them. Truth is, outside of feeling “useful” to any of them I don’t know what else I am. I’m mom of course. But I know that I’m out of sight and out of mind. Maybe if I had other family that would not be such an obvious reality to me. Maybe that’s my reality because I have no other family. How do I know?

No, this is not some self-pity diatribe. This is a reflection of my state of mind in an attempt to feel out my next steps in my life.

My mid-life reevaluation of self.

Retirement is not around the corner, but it’s a few blocks away and I wonder what I’ll do with myself. Will I stay where I am? Will I go to where I can spread my retirement dollars? Will I create a second life for myself? Who know?

My entire life I’ve built my life around my children. The past few years I’ve built it around one of my grandchildren. The time has come where I’ve begun to wonder what will happen when that circumstance is changed for me and not by me.

I’m a worrier. I worry about everything – fatalistic at times, world is ending types of scenarios and then I wake myself up.

But mostly I worry that my children will make mistakes as parents that they don’t need to make if only they would say, “Hey ma…” I’m not full of answers or solutions, but I do have experience and suggestions, recommendations.

As parents, we fuck up our children unintentionally. We know everything or we don’t want to make the same mistakes “our parents made” or we never had parents to make mistakes and therefore we are running blind. We fuck them up for a number of reason. Our friends kids… This article… So and so did that… The list can run a muck.

And then, you wake up one day and you don’t recognize where you are, you don’t know where you’re going and you wonder what you’ve done with where you’ve been – who remembers what, whom did you impact and how.

I ramble. But, that’s where I am at this moment. Rambling and listening to the quiet noise around me and the tapping of my finger nails on the keys of my computer. I can hear the hum of my printer and the noise the inside of my head makes as I move it from side to side. Huh.

Life is a blur.

When it Rains, Look for the Silver Lining

September 18, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

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07-24-06

Boy-When it rains it pours, and the, if you keep your eyes open, a little silver lining. Well, I’ve been processing all of the “paperwork” for leaving the District only to continue encountering one pebble in the road after another. To make matters slightly more taxing, the car over heated, and I don’t know just how bad it is. I hope I did not kill anything major. I had to leave it at the gas station down the road, I hope it’s okay. If it isn’t one thing, it’s something else. Money is pretty tight right now. Pinching pennies. I hope things let up soon. God give me strength. Still no word from the IRS on replacing the stolen check, I need to call them too. And, your father’s fiasco is fresh on my mind. Argh! But, (silver lining) my teacher, who is some District employee is really nice and is willing to look at my letter to the District regarding my resignation. And, my student Juan called. I haven’t heard from him in a while. I’ll call him tomorrow. So, I’ll just have to sleep on my troubles so I have the strength to fight them away tomorrow. My babies, I just want a better life for both of you. I hope that by the time you read these pages I have done that.

I Love You Two Sooooooo Much!

You are my Universe!

I am nothing Without You!

I Love You –

Mom

Family is Practice for Real Life

September 5, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

December_9_05

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12/09/05

It is almost the close of another day, a Friday. I find myself frustrated and confused Em about what it is that you want and expect of me. One moment you’re in a good mood, happy, and we’re getting along great. And within minutes, or even seconds you mood has shifted and you’re angry or upset. I feel as if I can never win, and I simply cannot keep up with your pace. The truth of this all is that I feel as if I have failed as a mother – somehow, there is something I neglected to do. I don’t know how to help you. My fear for you is that you’ll be great in the outside world and unhappy in your heart. I have seen adults live their lives this way. Your father is like that. Everyone thinks he’s just great. But with intimacy, partnership, a human relationship – that is still missing. The worst part about it is that I’m disallowing your brother the space and opportunity to express how you are effecting him. I apologize for that Brandon. I don’t want you to be a man that is short, mean, and cruel with women, and I don’t want Emma to think that she deserves to be mistreated by men. But I think I need to begin to allow you, Brandon, to let her know directly when she is hurting the relationship. I do want you to be able to tell people, especially your partner, that harm is occurring in the relationship. I simply do not wish for your expressions to be angry or visceral – you will only bring embitterment to yourself. My worries for the two of you are joint and individual. As brother and sister and as human beings I don’t want or wish for you to struggle in your relationships with people as I have. I did not have the guidance of a mother, or a father and I’ve had to learn as I go. But, I do know what I wish for you, and it is nothing but an amazing, productive life. It seems Emma that we have a few amazing or positive moments a day, or perhaps every few days. I cannot imagine you having this level of a relationship with someone you choose as a mate or someone who chooses you. It does not feel pleasant to walk on egg shells around someone you’re “suppose” to love. I say suppose, because family love should just come naturally, it is built-in. It should not be earned, it does not need to grow through time, it simply is. Family is where you’re “suppose” to have love without conditions, without the need to earn it, or worry about losing it. Family is practice for real life, for strengthening that which we need to begin with someone else – to spread out, to share, to grow. When we’re ready, we find someone of our own with which to compart that which we’ve nurtured and made prosperous. Both of you have to help each other through this journey. That which one of you does not understand or finds difficulty accomplishing the other must assist. You will need each other, similar to how I need someone from my family – someone that know me and understands where I have been. I’ll never have that. You two are this very thing for each other. When you come to the place where you can see this to be true I want you both to be standing together, not apart. Together, to understand it, to feel it, and to appreciate that you are seeing it together.

As Always,

Your Mother

Don’t Half Swing – You’ll Never Get to Base

August 11, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Jan_25_05

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1/25/05

Hey babies:

You’re both doing well. Em, you have truly made an effort at improving your attitude over the past few days. I hope you see how great your life can be given all of your positive attributes. You have sooo much to offer if you continue to perform at the level you’ve been performing. Your cooking is going well. We’ll see how the project ends/continues. I think I should also write your journal. Your karate is going great. You are advancing quite nicely. I hope you’re proud.

Bubba, diving has proven to be a real task. Unless I ride you, or take away privileges you just don’t motivate yourself to finish things. You need to be self-motivated Brandon. You need to do what needs doing and learn to follow through. Don’t “half swing” at life – you’ll never get to base.

I love you guys – Momma

Things Money Cannot Buy

August 9, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Jan_10_05

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1/10/05

Today was a good day-

Emma, you joked about having a migraine and how it was a by-product of having been good. You said you studied, and worked hard, and paid attention and didn’t talk. Whew! that must have been hard for you. No wonder you got a migraine. You took your first full pill. Yeah! it was cut into four pieces no bigger than a peppercorn, each, and you still made a scene – but you swallowed them in less than 7 min. You’re doing well in Karate – Sensei strengthens you. He does not provide, merely brings out that which you already have.

Brandon, you seem in good spirits today. it is always good to see you smile and fell you light hearted and spirited. it brings me a sense of relief and happiness. You wrote a good letter to John, I’m proud of you. It is actually a little stronger than I expected. Maybe you won’t let people take advantage of you when you get older! 🙂

I only want the best for the two of you. That does not mean fancy cars and expensive things. It means the best life – and money cannot buy that.

I love you both sooooo much.

We will never be apart.

Love, Momma

My Struggle Should Not Be Your Struggle

August 6, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Dec_27_04

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12/27/04

Babies

I can not believe so much time has passed since I wrote in this book for you.

We are in a new place now, on the hill – 75 Monterey Rd. The place is very nice, a “find” really – and we’ve been here since August of this year.

Emma, we’ve done few of the things I wished we would do – and I can not justify why. You started Karate in October and it has gone well.

You both started at Renaissance and while neither of you are certain it is what you like, I feel deep in my heart that it is a good thing for you. You are being exposed to things that you otherwise would not see unless through me or much later in life.

I pray everyday for guidance. How I hope I am not failing you too poorly as a mother or in preparing you for life.

I know there is always more that can be done. And I need to find the strength to do it. I don’t want to see you suffer or struggle the way I have. I do not want to see you not progressing or growing, flourishing, taking advantage of life. I realize that much of what you will become depends on how I lead you. But remember this: What I have become depended on how you lead me.

We have had a good year.

Emma, you ebb and flow, try to find your stream.

Brandon, you ebb more than you flow – what drives you? Find it! and press on the accelerator.

Both of you need to find the pleasure and the mystery of life and put it to good use.

I’ll try to be a better example, but don’t always expect me to lead.

I can not get enough of you. Love Momma

Chicken Pox!

August 3, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

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3/31/98 10:00 pm

You got the chicken pox two days ago – 3/29 to be accurate. You did not go to your game 3/30 although your father made a guest appearance. I called him to tell him you were quite possibly sick with the pox and would not be playing. He just called, a day and a half after finding out you were sick, to see how you were doing. He said he would bring you some books tomorrow after work. In a way I was hoping he did not call, I was disappointed when he did. So I tell myself, “sure, at 10:00 at night after his shit is taken care of!” Justifying my feelings. I realize that is the extent of your fathers expression of love. I suppose it is love. How can it not be – you are his son. I am sure in his warped ill-sensed way he loves you. He can only display that love through “pieces” for show. I suppose you have with you the memories you create while with me and the objects you possess of him. You get us both, just differently. I do not believe I will ever like your father. Mostly because he does not do things the way I do. A large part however is because he lives in world (sic) so dysfunctional that it infects your world – at least right now he does. Perhaps someday he will change. I still wonder, where will he be for you? Emma has her own issues with him. Where will be be for her?

I am not the greatest
I am not the best
I do love you

Momma

The Ugly

August 2, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Feb_4_98

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2/4/98 8:31 p.m.

You must of said it all today. The past week and a half has been a difficult one. At first I thought it was your usual wind down time from having spent the weekend with your father. Then I thought it was the fact that I started to see Michael to close to the time from which your father told you he got married. But then again, he never told you, you just happen to hear people talk. As time went on and your behaviour worsened I began to inquire as to why, what was I missing, was there something I was not seeing or listening to. I spoke with Mrs. Steben today. During the conversation she said something which struck a familiar feeling. She said she has a girlfriend who has two children, and everytime the children come home it is a trial for her. The reason it is a trial is because visiting dad is all about fun. Living with mom its all about discipline, structure, school, homework, the boring real stuff. What a life to come home to. To play or to prepare to play.

After all that and a couple more tantrums on your part, a class on my part, dinner w/Michael and your attitude all through it I found out, at least you expressed some feelings. I do not know, I never do, whether you over heard or over hear my conversations. While I spoke with Michael about my day, about you I mentioned my theory, about your dad. On the way back Brandon was saying to me that I was not listening to him. He was perhaps correct, most likely he was – I was to[o] busy dealing with your attitude. I responded by saying that “all week long, for the past week and a half, since Emma came home from your dad’s she has had an attitude and has been difficult. You said it all, “THAT’S BECAUSE AT MY DAD’S I HAVE FUN! HE DOES FUN THINGS! AND YOUR (SIC) STUPID! YOU DO STUPID THINGS! YOU JUST DO WORK! WORK!, WORK!, YOU JUST DO YOUR HOMEWORK ALL THE TIME! AND YOU MAKE ME DO MY HOMEWORK! AND I DON’T LIKE YOU!!!!!!!!” I went on bantering to myself about how you were right and I did nothing, I listed out loud all the things I do just for myself. You crawled onto your bed. You just watched me. I had told you to go live with him and Barbara if life was so great. I asked what he did do – you said he was fun, he let you watch movies and took you places. Heaven forbid, I turned human. I proceeded to indicate to you how I saw it, how it was. “If you think everyday with your father is going to be a trip to Disneyland, or the whales, or the opera or the movie you are mistaken. Do you know why your father gets to do all the fun stuff, because he isn’t here for anything else. He is not here for teaching you right from wrong. He’s not here to help you grow. he’s not here. If you want to be with him and Barbara then make the choice and so be it.”

I washed the dishes, wiped down the ants, and here I am. And there you are, here you are, where will you go.

I Wonder

July 31, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Jan_5_98

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1/5/98 10:04

My darlings,

I hear you cough in the next room, rustle the blankets, look for sleep to fall onto your eyes. What do you think of as you lie in your beds waiting for sleep to come. Do you listen to my movements as I do yours. Do you wonder what I am doing as I write about you in the next room unbeknownst to you. Do you wonder why I do not let you stay up with me, as I struggle to make the most out of the hours that I find for myself at the end of the day. And even those are spent for you. Thinking about you, loving you, planning fro you, wanting only the best for you. I struggle with my self every single day. I try to be good, I wonder if I truly am, I try to be honest and fair, teach you right, wrong, okay, exceptions to the rules, absolutes, maybes.

Emma, this afternoon you spoke of going with daddy this weekend. I encouraged your thoughts, you feel like you should love him so. We wished he would stay home with you and not work. I said, “let’s cross our fingers.” You responded, “okay, tonight when I suck on my blankie I’ll have my thumb in my mouth and my other fingers crossed, like this.” As you displayed your planned pose for the evening. We ate dinner, you bathed, you played, and come time for you to finally fall asleep – after a talk and night-night songs – you crossed your fingers and began to suckly your thumb. I asked you why were we suppose to cross our fingers and you said, “for no scary thoughts and so daddy doesn’t work on Saturday.” My girl. My girly girl.

Brandon, you seem so strong on the outside sometimes. You too had a tough day. I have to nurture you in such a different way. You don’t express much emotion about your dad but I wonder, what is it that you don’t say. I worry about how to raise you. What to say to you, how strong to be with you, how soft, how gentle. I worry because you are such a sensitive boy and you hurt, but you are so good about holding on, keeping the faith. Do you shrug some things off like I do? Do you resist being harmed by something long term? How do you see things, how do you see me, your dad, what do you think of life, people? Does your relationship with your father do anything for you? If so, what, if not, why not?

I love you guys.

Good night

Mom 12:08

My Wish For You

July 27, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

July_13_96Em

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7/13/96 1:12 a.m.

Emma,

My darling, beautiful daughter. How much I do love you. I look at you and wish you would let yourself be four years old. You are in such a hurry to grow up. Your baby pictures make me wish, yearn for that little girl that is inside and does not want to be. I get desperate just thinking about how much I wish you were my little baby. I did not play with you often enough. I did not hold you often enough, or long enough. So much time has passed and so many things have happened – yet so few things have happened. I have been so busy fighting with you that I have not enjoyed the Emma you are. Soon you will b away and I will not have had you at all. I understand that feisty young girl inside of you. I can see how your fear hides behind your anger. I wish I could take that all away, but I can not. I try to help you guide it, mold it, control it and not let it control you.

You make that so difficult. You fight me every step. I keep hoping that once you start kindergarten you will find a way to con[s]truct your venting. That is my hope. That which you find and my love and understanding will help you find the way – Your way.

You are such a wonderful person. You are incredible. You are so full of fire and spirit – Alive and impatient with the walls that bind you. But you put up your own walls. Your inability to let your self be human is always your undoing. I hope that by the time you get to read this you have overcome and conquered that fear. I do not know what the future holds for me. However, I try to make the best of what we have. I try to make the right choices. I have tried to find someone to fit into our life that will offer more stability, but I have not been successful. I wish to either quit entirely or someday succeed. Not entirely for our benefit but also for mine. Once you and Brandon have left my side this person is all I will have left. So far that person has not happened. Apa has come the closest. In love and soul he touches me deep, where I have not been touched by any other. Yes, not even by your father. Apa feels about many things the way I do. He understands me, and most of all he understand, loves, and respects you – not as a child, but as a human being. People like Apa you will not find very easily in the world. Perhaps by the time you need someone in your life an individual such as he has been cultivated for you. One can only hope that mankind is working today to better the generation of tomorrow. You are that generation, you and your brother.

Work together, work well, each other is all you have that has been a lifetime.

And don’t forget to let yourself be human, and to love – universally.

Love

Mama

July_13_96Br

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7/13/96 1:45 a.m.

My Son,

I looked into your eyes today after raising my voice to you and my heart broke. I love you so much. I crush when ever you are sad. You are such a loving gentle person. Although sometimes you can be a real shit, but you’re only seven and even you need to vent. I am tough on you because I want you to be prepared for life. You are a boy and soon a man, men do not get taught how to be real, simply how to be men. I want you to be both.

Always know how to treat a lady. Especially if she has earned it.

Occasionally you may have to sock your sister in the arm and set her straight on the facts of life. Remind her to love herself, remind her that it’s ok to be human. She is allowed to cry, be angry, be happy and be scared.

Never raise your voice to another person, even if they merit it. Never lie, or cheat or steal. The only person you truly end up doing it to is yourself.

I am not the perfect mother, I am human. The day I become perfect I must be dead and in the kingdom of this higher power we call God. Only there can any one be perfect.

I want so much for you. You are a wonderful human being. Never let anyone take that away from you. Never let anyone tell [you] you’re wrong. Never stop asking questions. Never stop looking for answers. The puzzles you try to put together are of another kind. Keep trying – if the pieces do not fit make new pieces.

Life is too, too short son.

Love

Mom

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