Tag: life (Page 2 of 3)

Carelessness Reaps Regret

September 2, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):

My dearest children,

Life is at its most trying moment when you look about and see people’s human frailties. You see one day and find that those you least expected have let you down in ways you never imagined. It is so much easier to keep people away. It hurts less. The past three years to four weeks have been especially trying. I’ve tried writing to you about it but I have not had the strength. There has been much turmoil – in many areas of the word. The one most directly related to you has been the possible cessation of karate with Sensei. He took the month of October off and has considered not returning. It is not yet decided, but he believes he should be back. Unfortunately, I will not be back on the floor anytime soon, if ever at all. For reasons I cannot share the favor of not returning to the floor has or will be made by me to your Sensei. It appears that my presence has brought conflict within he and another student – for truly unreasonable and unrealistic reasons. Hence, to lesson the burden, and simplify everyone’s return I have offered to pull myself out of the equation It is hurtful to me because I have been with your Sensei for so long, and I have been his friend. It is perhaps because I am his friend that I offer this most painful resolution, which he has eagerly accepted. His eagerness at my suggestion is perhaps the most upsetting. I feel betrayed. Betrayal because of one careless act. Carelessness reaps regret. So many other things have been difficult as of late. My heart is heavy. My eyes hold back my tears. But not from control but from an inability to cry at times. There is this fear that if I cry I’ll lose it all.

My Greatest Fear

August 31, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

August_18_05

Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):

8-18-05

My greatest fear;

Dying before you two are ready for me to die. If it weren’t for the two of you God knows what my life would be today. I live for the two of you.

My greatest fear;

Anything happening to either one of you. I would die, my world would end, my heart would break, I would be nothing. I pray that God and all the powers that be protect you from harm. Everyday I ask for this as often as I can.

My greatest fear;

Not preparing you for life. Everyday is a learning day. Make it so.

Love Mom

This Feeling of Joy

August 13, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Feb_14_05

Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):

2/14/05 12:12

I’ve just finished entering my assignments into my calendar so as to take a bird’s eye view of all of my “stuff”. It’s going to be a long year. And I’ve no idea how I’m going to make it. I’m tired. I keep trying to think of ways to get more energy. I just can’t see any. I keep hoping that by doing all that I do the day will come when I won’t feel so tired.

I worry so much about leaving you guys without a chance to live. I worry about dying too young, before you’re ready to be without me. I want to “clear up” all my stuff before I let you go – or leave your world.

I don’t know how my soul would rest if I left you too soon.

I love you two soo much – You are my everything. Someday, you too will know this feeling of joy.

Re-Boot

August 7, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Dec_29_04

Typed Text From Journal Page:

12/29/04

A tsunami off the coast of Sumatra sent waves crashing as far as Africa to the east and Malaysia to the west, across Sri Lanka and Indonesia, India, Thailand, Myanmar.

Estimates of 100,000 dead haunt the news. The images of the devastated people grip my heart as I think of my own. Emma, we are struggling. You are a strong willed child, and I find nothing wrong with that spirit. What I find destructive is your seeming selfishness and volatile behaviour as a result. I read the headlines and see the broken faces and wonder if you will ever get it.

Brandon, my fears for you are that life is so much more than you act it to be. You sit around too much. There is much that you want, but you don’t do anything to get it. E.G. have you finished SCUBA?…No! I give you too much space. I give both of you too many choices and too much room to make mistakes. I have mistaken that space for room to spread your wings. It has instead given you room to lose your balance – as you reach to hold the wall it is too far from your reach. I need to bring those walls back in. I need to keep you focused. I need to remind you I still call the shots. I will never take away your senses of individuality and freedom, but something is not right and I need to fix whatever that is.

For beginners:

Brandon, you will write a musical piece for the current events in Asia.

Emma, you will write the lyrics.

Love, Momma
12:39 a.m.

Brandon – You’re at Trevors
Emma – You’re w/dad.
I’m in bed thinking of you both.

One Moment at a Time

August 1, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Jan_10_98

Typed Text From Journal Page:

1/10/98 12:30 p.

My darling children,

Aside from this book serving as a monologue to you I shall, at this moment, put down some thoughts of myself to you. I find myself at a beginning once again in my life. I am about to begin my last semester as an undergraduate student. Many things are about to change for me and for all of us. In some ways I am scared. What will happen, what will I be able to do, what will I do? I have so many wonders about school and the next step in our lives. May is just around the corner in my lifetime, September is not that far away either. In the process I have exams to take classes to pass and you to love and care for. All of this often times makes me wonder whether I will be able to pull off what I started.

I wonder whether I will be able to finish this task and begin the next. I find myself saying, “take it a moment at a time.” A moment at a time. Once in my life I would rush through everything, want it all done at once, now, that moment – instance. Now I realize the only way I will survive my trials is by handling them a moment at a time. I sometimes have things come my way which I tire from and wish I would not have (ie your father and his ways is one of these things). Nevertheless, I must find a way to get through all that comes my way. You are my reasons for pushing on, I can not fail you. I am whom you love at this time and who you look to for love and guidance. I am scared. Am I doing things right, what am I doing wrong?

Another preoccupation of mine is my personal life. I get lonely but I can not find, or see myself with anyone. I have so many needs and at the same time I have none. I do not see any man being able to understand that about me, at least not at this moment. There certainly are no visible candidates. Our needs as a unit are so many, my needs as an individual I do not yet understand. I do not even know where to begin to understand. Where to look inside for questions to answer. I do not even know what questions to ask. I get lonely and there is no one around. If there is someone to fill that single moment they quickly want to fill my life with them. I get tires, I am tired of being “the one” for people and not having “the one” for me. I look around and feel sad inside, longing to be held by someone whose arms wrap around me just the right way, whose breast is just the perfect height for me to lay my head, whose eyes I always meet at the perfect time, someone who will kiss me every morning and every night and mean it, someone who does not need to ask what is wrong when something is and will simply say I love you and make me feel safe and warm inside. I often sit and wonder about what all this will become. I wonder.

Love as much as you can
expect no less in return
don’t let the moment go untouched
And take it a moment at a time

Love
your mother,
friend, and
confid[a]nt

1:03 p.m.

Veiny Little Lies

July 30, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Jan_1_98

Typed Text From Journal Page:

1/1/98 1:24 a.m.

Hey Babes,

I just got in a few minutes ago. I dropped you off at daddy’s for one more day of vacation (Christmas). We were visiting grandma and the family this evening. You are probably most likely aware that there is a problem between your father, Barbara, the Nishinakas and myself. Unfortunately you are too young to understand the complicated, silly, uncaring details of why these problems exist. The bottom line is that once there was a lie that was told. It was a tiny little silly insignificant lie but nonetheless it was a lie. Well, in order to not look bad, in order to not swallow someone’s pride, another lie was told to cover the little lie. Pretty soon there were a whole lotta lies being told and so today your father is in a very difficult, up-the-creek, wretched smelling situation with the family. He, for some reason, tries to convince the world that the world is against him. He tries to convince complete strangers that his family, his friends, his co-workers, everyone is out to do him harm. The sad part about the whole thing is that the only person who continues to hurt him is he himself. Why, no one in the family can figure it out. No one knows why. But now the damage outstretches to you both. His concoctions and notions are stretching their veiny little branches out in your direction. And I refuse to let him reach you with his dilusion.

Emma, you in particular are being hurt by your dad and for some reason you do not want to acknowledge that he is where much of your pain stems from. You need to begin by being honest with yourself. Secondly, you need to ascertain the truth from reliable sources. You need to remove all doubts from your mind about anything. Never be afraid to ask for the truth. I will always give you that.

Brandon, you appear to be holding up well against all of this. You are, on the exterior, so resilient. I truly hope, pray, that you are okay. I wish with all of my strength that you are able to work through your dilem[m]as and/or be able to find the strength to ask for help when you need it.

Darlings, I can not [sic] give you all of the answers. I wish I could just put everything right in front of you and let it sink inside, melt all around you and never leave you. But I can not [sic]. I can only give you what I can, I try for it to be as much as I can carry at a time. I bring a load here and there and try as I might. I had a late start, but I don’t plan on stopping or slowing down so we should be okay on resources for living a good life. You both are the future of the multiple generations of Nishinakas. The line must be carried on, and you must do it sound of mind and heart. Full of peace and love, truth and righteousness. No less than that. You ow it to your grandma. You must show her that her strength continues in you.

Respectfully, Mom (<3OX)

Please Be Strong

July 26, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

June_23_96

Typed Text From Journal Page:

6/23/96

My rug rats,

Another busy, wonderful weekend for us. You are now at Daddy’s. I sit here writing memories for you. I am currently out of work and our budget is tight, but we are going to be just fine. You are taking swimming lessons. We have had some fun afternoons playing football. Visiting friends needs to be more a part of our agenda. Greg has been a part of our life for the past few weeks. That part is not going to work out. I feel like he does not understand what I am trying to do with you. Not many people do. Now-a-days raising children in a loving, patient environment is not what many people do. Greg certainly is not one of them. That is too bad. But your moma is not one to let people be impatient with you. I do not care who it is. I love you both. Please be strong.

Brandon, take care of Emma.

Emma, let him.

Love

Moma

It’s Good You’re Fishing

July 25, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

May_24_96

Typed Text From Journal Page:

5/24/96
8:05

My wonderful, wonderful children

You are fishing. Mommy is sitting on Gregory’s bed writing to you. A lot of things have happened in our lives this month. Momma got [a] scholarship to Occidental. She has finished two glorious years at Glendale College and we have survived up until now fairly well. You two are tremendous children in my life. I don’t know what or how or who I would be with out you.

I got fired from Pat & Lorraines, to say the least. They are playing their games with me of cutting hours and shit. So basically we will call it a firing. I will be looking for a new job soon.

Everything is looking real critical for us. New school, new job. New life. I need to really work at a lot of things this summer. There are so many little things. They pile up to one huge backed up thing[s]. I was pretty depressed today. I still am so it is a good thing that you are fishing with daddy – having a good time.

Mommy has a ton of stuff to get out of the way for you.

My things are coming in from Puerto Rico finally. Many things are coming in to place.

You Have Had A Couple of Good Days

July 22, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

June_23_05

Typed Text From Journal Page:

Hello my darlings (scribble)

Weird, I know. It’s my own sort of code, “Ha!, Hmmm?)” Whatever. You have had a couple of good days. We had Parent Conference a couple of nights ago and you guys were great. Your teachers are all so happy with you. Emma, you are truly becoming – you fight it, but everyone is so happy with you. Drama, writing in Humanities, you got physics credit or some such thin – and math – Wow-Algebra 2 next year. But you fight it. I let your teachers know you didn’t want to go there next year, but it is not an option. I think you feel better. Brandon, you don’t know it yet, but Syd said you got picked by the actor guy…from your rehearsal. We’ll see if they follow through – That’s what she whispered in my ear. In the meantime, you two are doing well with each other. Love Mom.

Don’t Dwell On What You Didn’t Get

July 22, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

June_16_05.pdf

Typed Text From Journal Page:

You probably at this point are wondering what Milton’s role or Nancy’s role are in my life. They are both in it, but how, to what degree, and why? The truth is that they probably feel they are more in my life than I give them room for. The truth to me is that I’ve never, thus far, felt my life and future belonged to any one partner. To this very moment my life belongs to the two of you – no one else. I do desire someone in my life – “fantasy” would have someone phenomenal, amazing, magical. At this moment in my world there is no one that works that way. Milton makes CD’s and boxes, and jewelry. Nancy is humble, honest, predictable. Anyone else would have some other find quality to them. The “truth” reality, sadness of it all is that now one impresses me. My feeling is that we are in a good place at this moment. I do, at times, wonder what if…when I remember/think of Hector. But… And that is the standard. Don’t do this when you grow older and more “jaded”. Live, Love, ad Enjoy every person you are with, when you are with them. And move on. Everyone you meet will have something to offer you. You loved ones will have something you can take with you. Don’t dwell on what you didn’t get. This is always easier said than done. But it is necessary.

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