At which point in our lives do we take that step that sets the rest of our lives in motion? Is it before we’re born? Is it when we are trying to figure out what we want to be when we grow up? Do we really have the power to decide when we stop the direction in which we are going and decide to go another way? Or, is that part of the direction, our thought that we’ve stopped and chose differently? It can all get quite confounded if we think on it too hard. But, there does come a moment in time when we just know, when we are absolutely certain, of what our next step should be. Our lives are intertwined with those around us, near to us or not. In one way or another we have connected to anyone within our circle of influence. Maybe it’s something we said, maybe it’s something we did, a look, a motion, or the fact that we did nothing at all. Inaction effects us as well. The moment currently under scrutiny is the decision to, clearly and without any doubt, choose death. How do we know that this is what comes next in our chain of events? Beyond the not wanting to feel crappy anymore because we’re ill, or being tired because we’re too old for this or that, what clarity enters our mind that indicates to us that death is the next logical step in our individual life? Do we just “know”? Is it this clear understanding that no one else beyond ourself can possibly know until they get to experience it? Why is it that no one else matters once we decide? It seems so simple to “choose” that destination with such fervency. Or is this just too simplistic? I have not had enough friends, and I don’t have family beyond my off-spring and their’s, to say that I’ve personally experienced “enough death”, if you will, to have gathered data or surveyed those that have died. But the deaths I have experienced it seems to me that there has been this crossing over of acceptance that the next likely step is death. Those that have reached that crossroad have expressed a desire for the rest of us to simply understand and be happy for them or accepting of their decision to allow the reaper to come and do its bidding. It’s been my stance that we can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do, in any situation. And when someone has decided that to die, with dignity and of their own free will, that is what must be honored. How do you let someone die with the potential for guilt in their heart and spirit for the pain of the ones that can’t let go? So, thy will be done. And may their soul go where they expect it to go, be it heaven or nowhere at all, back to the cosmos and the universe or to be reborn.
Tag: life (Page 1 of 3)
One day you wake up and you don’t recognize yourself. You don’t know what you want in life, who you are, and you’ve forgotten most of where you’ve been. You spend so much time surviving and keeping your head above water that you don’t glance back to see what the trail looks like, just in case you need to return to where you started – you just keep walking in a forward direction. Unfortunate reality is that in order to move forward you need to know where you’ve been. You need to know what you’ve done, other than accomplish things to stay afloat.
I typically tell people I have no family but my kids. I get a funny look and people don’t know how to react, if at all. Truth is that until I say it, I myself don’t realize that’s my reality. My kids. They are my only family. Truth is that if I had more family I don’t know what I’d do. Or maybe I would because I’d be different. Sometimes the sound around me is so quiet my ears hurt – and I can hear everything.
My kids have built lives for themselves and they are living them. Truth is, outside of feeling “useful” to any of them I don’t know what else I am. I’m mom of course. But I know that I’m out of sight and out of mind. Maybe if I had other family that would not be such an obvious reality to me. Maybe that’s my reality because I have no other family. How do I know?
No, this is not some self-pity diatribe. This is a reflection of my state of mind in an attempt to feel out my next steps in my life.
My mid-life reevaluation of self.
Retirement is not around the corner, but it’s a few blocks away and I wonder what I’ll do with myself. Will I stay where I am? Will I go to where I can spread my retirement dollars? Will I create a second life for myself? Who know?
My entire life I’ve built my life around my children. The past few years I’ve built it around one of my grandchildren. The time has come where I’ve begun to wonder what will happen when that circumstance is changed for me and not by me.
I’m a worrier. I worry about everything – fatalistic at times, world is ending types of scenarios and then I wake myself up.
But mostly I worry that my children will make mistakes as parents that they don’t need to make if only they would say, “Hey ma…” I’m not full of answers or solutions, but I do have experience and suggestions, recommendations.
As parents, we fuck up our children unintentionally. We know everything or we don’t want to make the same mistakes “our parents made” or we never had parents to make mistakes and therefore we are running blind. We fuck them up for a number of reason. Our friends kids… This article… So and so did that… The list can run a muck.
And then, you wake up one day and you don’t recognize where you are, you don’t know where you’re going and you wonder what you’ve done with where you’ve been – who remembers what, whom did you impact and how.
I ramble. But, that’s where I am at this moment. Rambling and listening to the quiet noise around me and the tapping of my finger nails on the keys of my computer. I can hear the hum of my printer and the noise the inside of my head makes as I move it from side to side. Huh.
Life is a blur.
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It’s a new year. I’m finished with school, again, and I just don’t know where I’m going next. We need to figure out a way to do better. Not that we are not doing well, but I just am so tired of struggling and not being able to be whimsical. Yet, I must give thanks to God for giving me the strength to come this far.
We watched Pursuit of Happyness today. The little boy tells this joke about a man that was drowning, yet he turns down two boats that happen by and offer to rescue him. He tells them that God will save him. After drowning he asks God why he did not save him. God tells the man he sent him two boats.
I wonder, do we just not see the salvation that is right in front of us? We keep looking for magical miracles and miss out on the tangible things. I just want to teach you guys right. I want to make you ready, and I don’t want you to be lazy. I don’t want you to quit and I don’t want you to think that everything is always so easy. Things can be, but not everything is. I don’t want you to be afraid of making tough decisions. I don’t want you to be afraid of making mistakes – just learn from them. Look around you and learn from your surroundings. Don’t learn all of your lessons from me. I’m not perfect. But, you both know that. I look at your pictures and time has just passed so quickly.
Emma, you never let me hold you enough.
Brandon, you grew old too fast. You both need to keep a little youth in you.
Emma, you need to learn to mind your temper and your tongue – that will be your cross.
Brandon, you need to learn to follow through and think – stop complaining.
Love, Mom
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11/18/06
Being a parent is no easy role – The day has been trying. Brandon – you did not get to get your Wii tonight. I don’t know if you miscalculated your funds or spent more than you thought, or lost some of it, but you did not have enough. It is so heart breaking for me to see you lose out on something – but I can’t bail you out. There is that old saying, “It hurts me more than it hurts you.” Boy is that ever true. Your every little disappointment, discomfort, or pain becomes my own and I wish I were the only one to experience it. But without those lessons we are but empty vessels. Your sister was so upset for you. She was so willing to come to your rescue. Em, you are such a good sister. But, I’m glad that you held your tongue and did not come to your brother’s rescue. After all, this was not a life or death matter. Hopefully, those will never come, but when the urgency arrives then that will be the time. Mama, you must always know that my heart breaks for both of you – for you the same as it does for your brother. I have not shared my feelings about your car accident, but not a day goes by that I myself do not relive that day. I drive past General Hospital everyday and everyday I remember.
Love, Mom
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11/15/06
The journey of life continues, and we continue along its path. College applications difficult to fill and reading pieces difficult to follow. But, I know that in the end we will always advance. Life has been good to us, as experience has provided that example. My efforts at Burbank are being seen now-And I’m not there. I know some of it is people’s fond memories of what things use to be like. But I know some of it is also what things were truly like. I worked hard at Burbank and I will continue to work hard. Much for you-much for me, much for what I do. All things pass and all things are good – even the bad. You just need to kepp the faith – in what your doing, why and who for. Love Mom
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11/13/06
As I was dozing while you guys each worked on something for school I could hear the two of you in the background. Brandon, you on the cello, and Emma, you on my computer – typing a journal entry for your drama class. You are both tired and frustrated, but of course, for different reasons. Brandon, the month will be long, filling out college applications and practicing more on your cello. Emma, you are, and will continue to be recovering from your accident. Your frustrations are valid. I hate to see the two of you struggle. I wish I could simply solve all of the woes that come your way and make everything right all the time. But life is not like that. And I have to keep telling myself that somethings I just have to let you “do”. I don’t always like it – It is difficult – for me. Let it be difficult for me now, and not for you later. I love you with all my blood and Soul.
Mom
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07-24-06
Boy-When it rains it pours, and the, if you keep your eyes open, a little silver lining. Well, I’ve been processing all of the “paperwork” for leaving the District only to continue encountering one pebble in the road after another. To make matters slightly more taxing, the car over heated, and I don’t know just how bad it is. I hope I did not kill anything major. I had to leave it at the gas station down the road, I hope it’s okay. If it isn’t one thing, it’s something else. Money is pretty tight right now. Pinching pennies. I hope things let up soon. God give me strength. Still no word from the IRS on replacing the stolen check, I need to call them too. And, your father’s fiasco is fresh on my mind. Argh! But, (silver lining) my teacher, who is some District employee is really nice and is willing to look at my letter to the District regarding my resignation. And, my student Juan called. I haven’t heard from him in a while. I’ll call him tomorrow. So, I’ll just have to sleep on my troubles so I have the strength to fight them away tomorrow. My babies, I just want a better life for both of you. I hope that by the time you read these pages I have done that.
I Love You Two Sooooooo Much!
You are my Universe!
I am nothing Without You!
I Love You –
Mom
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07-04-06
Pops – You came back from your Anime Expo thing today. While you talked about the “weird guy” all I could think about was that it’s odd people like him that can turn an exciting experience into a scary one. What if this guy had turned out to be a mental freak and harmed one of you? The human being is an unpredictable living creature. I am glad you’re home. I worry about you growing up. Don’t always be so trusting.
Momma – You’re spending the night at grandmas for the fourth. I worry about you with the cousins sometimes. They’re not all sane. And you sometimes venture to be the bold one. There is no need for that. Slow down, observe more than you participate, and when you do, make it count.
Love Mom
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1/8/06
Every day I ask God to watch over you. I ask him to watch over me. I thank him for doing so thus far and pray for strength – continued strength. Life has been a challenge, but it has been good to us. We are in a good place. I worry that I will not be able to keep it up. I worry that I will “drop the ball” and fail you as a mother and as your protector. If I ever do, please always remember that I love you and you have always been my main focus, priority, concern. You two are my world, you are the reason I am any good. Without your guidance and your love I would be lost.
You are my world,
Mom
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11/4/05
We should never be so consumed by our own grief that we do not see the beauty of those around us.
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