Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):
11/12/06
Life can be hard at times. And it spins almost out of control. Much has happened over the past month. So much that I’ve not had the energy to keep track of it all. Emma, you’ve had your Quinceanera and all went well. Unfortunately, you [were] hit by a car, along with Thea, the week before and we are still dealing with the wreckage. You have had nightmares and flashbacks that have made it difficult for you to get on psychologically. Physically you have had your challenges as well. I am at a loss that angers me – I question what to do. Thea’s uncle was getting information on the matter, but then there passes time with no contact. I guess the things that upset me are your personal state and the quandary of whether there is anything that can be done about it. I just feel without direction on this one. This enrages me more. Life is just hard sometimes. But I know this too will be taken care of one way or another with me/by me. Brandon, you’re going through a whole host of other dilemmas – college applications, little people and cello, cello, cello. It is difficult to just see you at this juncture in life. You are starting to take more personal responsibility for yourself and that is good to see. But, I know there are still many things to endure before you are independent. It is difficult for me to see you grow and go. I keep thinking of daddy Lyman and his mother, and how she still worried even though he was a man. I feel life in the pit of my stomach somedays, but tonight it is ever present. I always pray for strength and thank god for my blessings.
Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):
07-03-06
Hey Bug-
You fell asleep on the living room floor tonight. I went to give you a kiss goodnight, which you make difficult usually. You were so asleep. Your jaw was relaxed and you were truly asleep. You looked so pure and open. I rarely get to see that “you”. I was able to give you a kiss goodnight and admire how great you are when you’re not worried about the “stuff” that consumes you. I Love You –
A new year begins – and I look forward to opportunity and chance. The opportunities offered by my gains and the chance to live a better life. As i sit here there are a thousand thoughts running through my head. Emma, you’re in your room, I’ve just tucked you in, and your crying silently over your dad. No one can save him from himself. He is a man who refuses to take responsibility for himself and his actions, his choices, his mistakes. A habit you have unconsciously developed. You are too busy in your emotions trying to save him and you can’t sweaty. I tried saving my dad. I tried for too long. It does not hurt anymore, but I wish he were in my life. I am looking forward to working with you on on your feelings this year. There are a few new things I want to try. Maybe if we work on your writing at night, reading together, learning how to make projects, you can find a way to channel your emotions in a productive and self-satisfying manner. I know it is hard. But you are strong – you are not too young. I was trying to save grandpa at your age, maybe even younger. I can tell you countless adventures, but what good would that do?
this is not the first letter or note I may have written to you, but it is the first entry in an official log for you to keep.
many things have happened in your lives that today make you who you are. you are people of great character today and when you read these pages you will still be.
I am writing to you together in this book because I hope you two will always remain together. I hope this book will be a single of many bonds you have keeping you together today as children I express anxiety, distress when I see the two of you argue or fight. that is only because I wish for the two of you to recognize who and what you are in each others lives. when I no longer am in between the two of you, either pulling you apart or pulling you together I hope the pages to come will be there in my place.
my love for the two of you is eternal and infin[i]tely large. for your sister tory as well. I hope that as you read these pages, or future ones, you find yourselves together. I also write to her, in another book, perhaps you can sit and compare my thought for each of you. Perhaps you can better understand me through these pages and this ink.
this book, and future ones like it, are intended to help you reflect upon those things you find yourself not understanding. Perhaps things you do not understand today as you read or things you remember from our past.
if you find me making reference to a single person in these writings do not try to figure out who I am speaking of if I do not make mention of a name. the contents of these pages are intended for both of you. together you must, together, through these pages you will also better understand me. I know it is difficult. I am a person with many passions, many thoughts, many dreams. I strive for much too much sometimes and other not enough. I hope someday I will have learned how to measure my steps and reaches. If I do not perhaps I am not to do anything different than I already am.
Weird, I know. It’s my own sort of code, “Ha!, Hmmm?)” Whatever. You have had a couple of good days. We had Parent Conference a couple of nights ago and you guys were great. Your teachers are all so happy with you. Emma, you are truly becoming – you fight it, but everyone is so happy with you. Drama, writing in Humanities, you got physics credit or some such thin – and math – Wow-Algebra 2 next year. But you fight it. I let your teachers know you didn’t want to go there next year, but it is not an option. I think you feel better. Brandon, you don’t know it yet, but Syd said you got picked by the actor guy…from your rehearsal. We’ll see if they follow through – That’s what she whispered in my ear. In the meantime, you two are doing well with each other. Love Mom.
It has been a long week and it certainly was a long day. You both had your presentations today and you performed with flying colors. Your teachers are all incredibly pleased with you all/both, and I am excited for you. Em, I have shared with you that I think, after all that has happened, that you are afraid of success. The more I watch and listen the stronger this impression becomes. I cannot help but begin yet on a new mission to help guide you through if in fact we find this to be true. It is my new theory given the fact that on the one hand you show growth, express excitement, share new learning, glow over but yet you claim unhappiness with no known source and a desire to leave. I can’t help to wonder if you want to escape all the positive growth because you are afraid to succeed. How do I help[?] Brandon, you are showing growth through leadership. You turned in your first job application, you are conducting for Maggie, leading boys dance teams, and hopefully, recognizing that you have gifts to share, you both do, and it should be a goal, a mission, to do that. Our purpose in life should be to leave where you’ve been a better place. Touch it with your gifts and leave your magic. I will leave you very little, but I hope it’s quality will last beyond a lifetime.
These we’re sort of my guides, my go to’s. The one not listed, didn’t need to be at the time because it was already a part of my mental constitution -Be a person of integrity, no matter how difficult.
Sometimes, in order to find oneself, we have to shed the layers of others that we have taken on. It’s complicated. But not really.
Are we not the sum of all of our parts? And do our parts not included parts of others? How then, do we find who we really are – at our core?
When we’re born, we can be anything that we want to be – minus the limitations placed on us due to physical or mental handicaps. The remaining limitations are placed on us by those around us, our parents, our leaders and mentors, our society, our culture, our friends, lovers, spouses.
If we are lucky, we are either born with a strong spirit and a will and determination that drives us to achieve and be our best or we are fortunate enough to find someone that helps us see our ultimate potential and encourages us to strive. If we are not, look around and you’ll see much of what is wrong with society, any society – industrialized, civilized, uncivilized, first world, third world, “fake” world. We end up becoming what someone makes of us. Perhaps we become guerilla children in a nation fighting for “freedom from the oppressor”. We grow up believing that the other person is the enemy, no matter the color of his skin. Sometimes the color is the same. Perhaps we grow up hiding behind window shades and dark curtains afraid to look outside because someone told us that outside was dangerous. Or maybe, we find comfort in becoming. Becoming whatever someone wants us to be, until. What happens when that someone decides that our becoming isn’t enough? What happens when we wake up one day and discover that becoming isn’t enough? What then?
Where do we begin to piece ourselves together? What is ourself? One day you wake up you look in the mirror and you do not recognize the face that is looking back. Maybe you just find yourself crying for no dam reason. Maybe you automatically go through old routines only this time you don’t even remember that you went through the motions. You need to stop. Just stop. Stop and look back at that person in the mirror and stare. Stare into her eyes (or his) and take one minute to say, “hello”. Maybe, just maybe, take a moment to listen to the person that answers back. Who we were born, that majestic individual that rose from an egg and sperm, is in there. All you have to do is find her. But how? Take a minute. Take a minute and realize that part of the reason you don’t recognize who is looking back at you is because the skin you’re in is not yours. It’s whose ever skin it was you needed to be until you needed to find your own. And now, now you need to shed his skin.
Where to begin? Think back, as far back as you need to think to remember what you wanted to be when you were five or six. Think back to remember at whom you stared at because she was beautiful, amazing, awe inspiring. How did she dress? Classy, simple, ostentatious? What color was her hair? Did she style it? Did she wear it down? Was it short? Long? What color lipstick did she wear? Now, find the pieces of that awe inspiring person that fit you, and begin to replace the pieces you need to shed with parts of a new you. What next? Listen. Listen to the voice inside your head – it’s the universe talking. It’s saying, “the answer is right there, all you have to do is listen.” Steal moments to listen. Five minutes, ten minutes, thirty seconds. Silence the noise outside and listen. Sometimes silencing the noise means making louder noise or changing the noise or listening to noise that is slightly lower than the voice inside. How can you hear it? You’ll hear it. The moment isn’t working. Then try harder, force it. Finding yourself sometimes is like looking at a piece of wood or a ball of clay or a blank canvas and asking it, “what do you want to be? how shall I shape you?” And then, you sit back and you wait to be inspired. Or, you begin, with no idea, no clear picture in your mind. You just begin and slowly your piece of wood or your ball of lay or your blank canvas begin to take shape, and then, you see it. You see a familiar feature, a curvature that reminds you of something, you mix a color and another and another or it takes a life all its own and you allow it to go and see where it takes you.
How do you know what his skin and what’s yours? It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you can move comfortably in it and that when you look in the mirror you see more of what you recognize as you than you see of what you became for him. In each of those little pieces of skin from the past there were always pieces of you. That’s how you were able to survive. Those are the ones that will show you the way to yourself. You’ll never be completely rid of who you became. After all, it’s who you became. But you can be comfortable in the knowledge that you decided which parts to keep as your sum and which to discard.
Finding you is not about forgetting and being embarrassed of what once was. Instead, it’s about embracing, owning what once was, welcoming the new you and not being afraid to show it.
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