Tag: kids (Page 2 of 4)

My Greatest Fear

August 31, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):

8-18-05

My greatest fear;

Dying before you two are ready for me to die. If it weren’t for the two of you God knows what my life would be today. I live for the two of you.

My greatest fear;

Anything happening to either one of you. I would die, my world would end, my heart would break, I would be nothing. I pray that God and all the powers that be protect you from harm. Everyday I ask for this as often as I can.

My greatest fear;

Not preparing you for life. Everyday is a learning day. Make it so.

Love Mom

We’re Okay

August 28, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

August_16_05

Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):

8-16-05

I look at my parents and I am filled with mixed emotions about what is an acceptable explanation about why their children are out of control, and what is not. Then I wonder, who am I to judge? I try to understand certain situations. And then I hear the explanation and I wonder which part is reason and which part is excuse. The truth is that many of these parents look to us for answers. Many of them look to us to solve their problems. Many look to us to take their problems away. The reason I am telling you two this is because I wonder what I did that made things turn out okay for us. Despite our challenges, despite the banter between us, we’ve done well. None of you are on drugs (I hope), none of you beat people up, none of you are truant, none of you have run away from home. We’ve had our moments, mostly you Emma and I, Brandon occasionally , but all-in-all we’re okay. I hope we continue to improve – I know we will. You two have always driven me – you and the moments when I would become angry about our situation or some unfair or unkind thing your father would do. I would push harder, faster, become stronger. Some people ask me how I do it, or did it. The truth is looking back I do not know, I do not remember. All I know is that I knew what needed to be done and I focused. I did it. And I did it without compromising my values and my dignity. I know who I am, and I am constantly working at being a better person. I try to reflect on my experiences, my thoughts, my actions, my words as I speak them, and I ask for guidance. Mostly what I wish to stress is focus and drive. Stay positive, strong, and good and think about what you’re doing and why.

I Love you guys, Mom!

To the Moon?

August 27, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

August_12_05

Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):

8-12-05

As if by writing or not writing or not verbalizing fears and thoughts (I avoid writing them or verbalizing them) I could actually avoid experiencing them. I don’t remember if I have ever written or said anything in the past about my fear of dying before you two are ready. But, if I do I want you to know one thing, I love you as if or as much as the world, universe, and the unknown beyond is big. You are my world. Emma, I wish you would let me hug you more. Brandon, don’t ever feel sad when I’m gone. Be a man. Both of you, one never knows what the world has in store for us. Live a good life. Hopefully, God has great plans for me, still. I wish to be around to fulfill each one of his plans for me. I cannot ever express enough how much I love you both!

LOVE Mom

This Feeling of Joy

August 13, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Feb_14_05

Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):

2/14/05 12:12

I’ve just finished entering my assignments into my calendar so as to take a bird’s eye view of all of my “stuff”. It’s going to be a long year. And I’ve no idea how I’m going to make it. I’m tired. I keep trying to think of ways to get more energy. I just can’t see any. I keep hoping that by doing all that I do the day will come when I won’t feel so tired.

I worry so much about leaving you guys without a chance to live. I worry about dying too young, before you’re ready to be without me. I want to “clear up” all my stuff before I let you go – or leave your world.

I don’t know how my soul would rest if I left you too soon.

I love you two soo much – You are my everything. Someday, you too will know this feeling of joy.

Being A Mother

August 12, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Feb_10_05

Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):

2/10/05 1:51 a.m.

I’ve noted the time of the morning I am writing because I want you to know that at all hours of the day, and at any hour of the day on can realize the tremendous, awesome, amazing, incredible, overwhelming, joyous reality of being a mother. I am responsible for your existence, your daily growth and experiences, your well-being.

I must turn my eyes to heaven and say thank you and ask for strength and guidance.

You are both my everything, I am nothing without you.

I Love You Sooo Much

Momma

Things Money Cannot Buy

August 9, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Jan_10_05

Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):

1/10/05

Today was a good day-

Emma, you joked about having a migraine and how it was a by-product of having been good. You said you studied, and worked hard, and paid attention and didn’t talk. Whew! that must have been hard for you. No wonder you got a migraine. You took your first full pill. Yeah! it was cut into four pieces no bigger than a peppercorn, each, and you still made a scene – but you swallowed them in less than 7 min. You’re doing well in Karate – Sensei strengthens you. He does not provide, merely brings out that which you already have.

Brandon, you seem in good spirits today. it is always good to see you smile and fell you light hearted and spirited. it brings me a sense of relief and happiness. You wrote a good letter to John, I’m proud of you. It is actually a little stronger than I expected. Maybe you won’t let people take advantage of you when you get older! 🙂

I only want the best for the two of you. That does not mean fancy cars and expensive things. It means the best life – and money cannot buy that.

I love you both sooooo much.

We will never be apart.

Love, Momma

At Your Age

August 8, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Jan_9_05

Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):

1/9/05

My It’s really 1/10/05, because it’s 1:22 in the morning. I decided to finally go to bed so I go make my rounds. Emma, I check to see that you are covered. Brandon, I walk upstairs to make sure you’re okay. I find you with the T.V. on and on the computer. Earlier I had to get on your case about not following through on the diving memos.

What am I suppose to do. I figure I let you slide on too much just because I am usually taken up w/Emma’s NEEDS. I warned you that if you’re not handling your stuff you’re not to ask me about the guys.

Every time I reprimand one of you my stomach turns. I ask God for help and guidance. I look for strength in every crevice. You both need structure and clear expectations. I thought I was giving you both those things, but I realize you both have too much. You want, I give. I’ll need to set some time aside tomorrow/today to list what is expected. If you both continue to not “get it” you’ll get a real feel of what it was like for me as a child.

You have more than I could ever dream of having at your age. Brandon, by your age I was married and making a home for myself and my husband. Emma, I was barely getting my own room at yours.

I need to set some limits. I need to pull back. I need to provide the learning I feel you both lack – You need to learn discipline in all aspects of your life.

Love – Momma

Re-Boot

August 7, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Dec_29_04

Typed Text From Journal Page:

12/29/04

A tsunami off the coast of Sumatra sent waves crashing as far as Africa to the east and Malaysia to the west, across Sri Lanka and Indonesia, India, Thailand, Myanmar.

Estimates of 100,000 dead haunt the news. The images of the devastated people grip my heart as I think of my own. Emma, we are struggling. You are a strong willed child, and I find nothing wrong with that spirit. What I find destructive is your seeming selfishness and volatile behaviour as a result. I read the headlines and see the broken faces and wonder if you will ever get it.

Brandon, my fears for you are that life is so much more than you act it to be. You sit around too much. There is much that you want, but you don’t do anything to get it. E.G. have you finished SCUBA?…No! I give you too much space. I give both of you too many choices and too much room to make mistakes. I have mistaken that space for room to spread your wings. It has instead given you room to lose your balance – as you reach to hold the wall it is too far from your reach. I need to bring those walls back in. I need to keep you focused. I need to remind you I still call the shots. I will never take away your senses of individuality and freedom, but something is not right and I need to fix whatever that is.

For beginners:

Brandon, you will write a musical piece for the current events in Asia.

Emma, you will write the lyrics.

Love, Momma
12:39 a.m.

Brandon – You’re at Trevors
Emma – You’re w/dad.
I’m in bed thinking of you both.

The Ugly

August 2, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Feb_4_98

Typed Text From Journal Page:

2/4/98 8:31 p.m.

You must of said it all today. The past week and a half has been a difficult one. At first I thought it was your usual wind down time from having spent the weekend with your father. Then I thought it was the fact that I started to see Michael to close to the time from which your father told you he got married. But then again, he never told you, you just happen to hear people talk. As time went on and your behaviour worsened I began to inquire as to why, what was I missing, was there something I was not seeing or listening to. I spoke with Mrs. Steben today. During the conversation she said something which struck a familiar feeling. She said she has a girlfriend who has two children, and everytime the children come home it is a trial for her. The reason it is a trial is because visiting dad is all about fun. Living with mom its all about discipline, structure, school, homework, the boring real stuff. What a life to come home to. To play or to prepare to play.

After all that and a couple more tantrums on your part, a class on my part, dinner w/Michael and your attitude all through it I found out, at least you expressed some feelings. I do not know, I never do, whether you over heard or over hear my conversations. While I spoke with Michael about my day, about you I mentioned my theory, about your dad. On the way back Brandon was saying to me that I was not listening to him. He was perhaps correct, most likely he was – I was to[o] busy dealing with your attitude. I responded by saying that “all week long, for the past week and a half, since Emma came home from your dad’s she has had an attitude and has been difficult. You said it all, “THAT’S BECAUSE AT MY DAD’S I HAVE FUN! HE DOES FUN THINGS! AND YOUR (SIC) STUPID! YOU DO STUPID THINGS! YOU JUST DO WORK! WORK!, WORK!, YOU JUST DO YOUR HOMEWORK ALL THE TIME! AND YOU MAKE ME DO MY HOMEWORK! AND I DON’T LIKE YOU!!!!!!!!” I went on bantering to myself about how you were right and I did nothing, I listed out loud all the things I do just for myself. You crawled onto your bed. You just watched me. I had told you to go live with him and Barbara if life was so great. I asked what he did do – you said he was fun, he let you watch movies and took you places. Heaven forbid, I turned human. I proceeded to indicate to you how I saw it, how it was. “If you think everyday with your father is going to be a trip to Disneyland, or the whales, or the opera or the movie you are mistaken. Do you know why your father gets to do all the fun stuff, because he isn’t here for anything else. He is not here for teaching you right from wrong. He’s not here to help you grow. he’s not here. If you want to be with him and Barbara then make the choice and so be it.”

I washed the dishes, wiped down the ants, and here I am. And there you are, here you are, where will you go.

One Moment at a Time

August 1, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Jan_10_98

Typed Text From Journal Page:

1/10/98 12:30 p.

My darling children,

Aside from this book serving as a monologue to you I shall, at this moment, put down some thoughts of myself to you. I find myself at a beginning once again in my life. I am about to begin my last semester as an undergraduate student. Many things are about to change for me and for all of us. In some ways I am scared. What will happen, what will I be able to do, what will I do? I have so many wonders about school and the next step in our lives. May is just around the corner in my lifetime, September is not that far away either. In the process I have exams to take classes to pass and you to love and care for. All of this often times makes me wonder whether I will be able to pull off what I started.

I wonder whether I will be able to finish this task and begin the next. I find myself saying, “take it a moment at a time.” A moment at a time. Once in my life I would rush through everything, want it all done at once, now, that moment – instance. Now I realize the only way I will survive my trials is by handling them a moment at a time. I sometimes have things come my way which I tire from and wish I would not have (ie your father and his ways is one of these things). Nevertheless, I must find a way to get through all that comes my way. You are my reasons for pushing on, I can not fail you. I am whom you love at this time and who you look to for love and guidance. I am scared. Am I doing things right, what am I doing wrong?

Another preoccupation of mine is my personal life. I get lonely but I can not find, or see myself with anyone. I have so many needs and at the same time I have none. I do not see any man being able to understand that about me, at least not at this moment. There certainly are no visible candidates. Our needs as a unit are so many, my needs as an individual I do not yet understand. I do not even know where to begin to understand. Where to look inside for questions to answer. I do not even know what questions to ask. I get lonely and there is no one around. If there is someone to fill that single moment they quickly want to fill my life with them. I get tires, I am tired of being “the one” for people and not having “the one” for me. I look around and feel sad inside, longing to be held by someone whose arms wrap around me just the right way, whose breast is just the perfect height for me to lay my head, whose eyes I always meet at the perfect time, someone who will kiss me every morning and every night and mean it, someone who does not need to ask what is wrong when something is and will simply say I love you and make me feel safe and warm inside. I often sit and wonder about what all this will become. I wonder.

Love as much as you can
expect no less in return
don’t let the moment go untouched
And take it a moment at a time

Love
your mother,
friend, and
confid[a]nt

1:03 p.m.

Follow