The B-Side of Life

not just the hits

Tag: heal

Sacrifice Is Not A Terrible Thing

September 14, 2018 / / 0 Comments

July_15_06

Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):

7-15-06

There are so many things running through my mind right now.  It’s late, but I’m not tired.  Emma, I hope by now you’ve found a way to work out your kinks – life is not perfect.  I keep trying to get you to accept that.  Today you were upset about being asked to help walk the dogs with Phia.  There truly was no reason for you to be upset, but you were.  You protested that you had already done it.  You spent all day at Mama Les, swimming and you can’t fint it in you to give a little more.  I was washing her dishes for approximately a half an hour – dishes I did not even dirty.  You did go, and it turned out that Xophia lost control of the dogs and needed your help afterall.  It is so much easier to do for others.  What you get back is joy.  Last night you pitched a fit because you did not wish to celebrate my new job at the Brazilian restaurant.  You were so mean – even snapped.  “Don’t touch me” when I attempted to caress your face.  Your words and your actions can cut through a heart.  I swallowed my pain and told Nancy you were not going to spoil the celebration – but you already had.  All of this because of your phobia over new things.  Only to find, in the end, that you find your comfort zone and eventually join in – which you did.  You joined in the eating and the laughter.  It was only then a complete evening.  Your angry words are nevertheless still in my chest, and the look on your face is vivid in my mind still.  Your fears, unwarranted, and your phobias take you to the darkest of places.  Do you not think that I get afraid.  It is simply that I cannot show it.  I must be strong for us.  I am all that we have.  I am the one responsible for getting you and your brother on your own adult feet.  It is such a tremendous responsibility – You have no idea right now.  Hopefully, by the time you read this all wounds have bee healed and you have more of an understanding for the magnitude and fragility of life.  You are such a great person, if you allow it.  Sacrifice is not a terrible thing, as long as it doesn’t hurt you.  You can go without an extra ten minutes of rest, or wash an extra plate, or walk the dog again, or come to me with dinner (come to dinner with me?)- it won’t hurt you.

 

 

We Can’t Save Our Fathers

August 5, 2018 / / 0 Comments

Jan_4_04

Typed Text From Journal Page:

1/4/04

A new year begins – and I look forward to opportunity and chance.  The opportunities offered by my gains and the chance to live a better life.  As i sit here there are a thousand thoughts running through my head.  Emma, you’re in your room, I’ve just tucked you in, and your crying silently over your dad.  No one can save him from himself.  He is a man who refuses to take responsibility for himself and his actions, his choices, his mistakes.  A habit you have unconsciously developed. You are too busy in your emotions trying to save him and you can’t sweaty.  I tried saving  my dad.  I tried for too long.  It does not hurt anymore, but I wish he were in my life.  I am looking forward to working with you on on your feelings this year.  There are a few new things I want to try.  Maybe if we work on your writing at night, reading together, learning how to make projects, you can find a way to channel your emotions in a productive and self-satisfying manner.  I know it is hard.  But you are strong – you are not too young. I was trying to save grandpa at your age, maybe even younger.  I can tell you countless adventures, but what good would that do?

The Ugly

August 2, 2018 / / 0 Comments

Feb_4_98

Typed Text From Journal Page:

2/4/98 8:31 p.m.

You must of said it all today.  The past week and a half has been a difficult one.  At first I thought it was your usual wind down time from having spent the weekend with your father.  Then I thought it was the fact that I started to see Michael to close to the time from which your father told you he got married.  But then again, he never told you, you just happen to hear people talk.  As time went on and your behaviour worsened I began to inquire as to why, what was I missing, was there something I was not seeing or listening to.  I spoke with Mrs. Steben today.  During the conversation she said something which struck a familiar feeling.  She said she has a girlfriend who has two children, and everytime the children come home it is a trial for her.  The reason it is a trial is because visiting dad is all about fun.  Living with mom its all about discipline, structure, school, homework, the boring real stuff.  What a life to come home to.  To play or to prepare to play.

After all that and a couple more tantrums on your part, a class on my part, dinner w/Michael and your attitude all through it I found out, at least you expressed some feelings.  I do not know, I never do, whether you over heard or over hear my conversations.  While I spoke with Michael about my day, about you I mentioned my theory, about your dad.  On the way back Brandon was saying to me that I was not listening to him.  He was perhaps correct, most likely he was – I was to[o] busy dealing with your attitude.  I responded by saying that “all week long, for the past week and a half, since Emma came home from your dad’s she has had an attitude and has been difficult.  You said it all, “THAT’S BECAUSE AT MY DAD’S I HAVE FUN! HE DOES FUN THINGS! AND YOUR (SIC) STUPID! YOU DO STUPID THINGS! YOU JUST DO WORK! WORK!, WORK!, YOU JUST DO YOUR HOMEWORK ALL THE TIME! AND YOU MAKE ME DO MY HOMEWORK! AND I DON’T LIKE YOU!!!!!!!!” I went on bantering to myself about how you were right and I did nothing, I listed out loud all the things I do just for myself.  You crawled onto your bed.  You just watched me.  I had told you to go live with him and Barbara if life was so great.  I asked what he did do – you said he was fun, he let you watch movies and took you places.  Heaven forbid, I turned human.  I proceeded to indicate to you how I saw it, how it was.  “If you think everyday with your father is going to be a trip to Disneyland, or the whales, or the opera or the movie you are mistaken.  Do you know why your father gets to do all the fun stuff, because he isn’t here for anything else.  He is not here for teaching you right from wrong.  He’s not here to help you grow.  he’s not here.  If you want to be with him and Barbara then make the choice and so be it.”

I washed the dishes, wiped down the ants, and here I am.  And there you are, here you are, where will you go.

Pull Together

July 23, 2018 / / 0 Comments

Jan_10_96

Typed Text From Journal Page:

dear Brandon and Emma

this is not the first letter or note I may have written to you, but it is the first entry in an official log for you to keep.

many things have happened in your lives that today make you who you are. you are people of great character today and when you read these pages you will still be.

I am writing to you together in this book because I hope you two will always remain together.  I hope this book will be a single of many bonds you have keeping you together  today as children I express anxiety, distress when I see the two of you argue or fight.  that is only because I wish for the two of you to recognize who and what you are in each others lives.  when I no longer am in between the two of you, either pulling you apart or pulling you together I hope the pages to come will be there in my place.

my love for the two of you is eternal and infin[i]tely large.  for your sister tory as well. I hope that as you read these pages, or future ones, you find yourselves together.  I also write to her, in another book, perhaps you can sit and compare my thought for each of you. Perhaps you can better understand me through these pages and this ink.

this book, and future ones like it, are intended to help you reflect upon those things you find yourself not understanding. Perhaps things you do not understand today as you read or things you remember from our past.

if you find me making reference to a single person in these writings do not try to figure out who I am speaking of if I do not make mention of a name.  the contents of these pages are intended for both of you. together you must, together, through these pages you will also better understand me. I know it is difficult. I am a person with many passions, many thoughts, many dreams.  I strive for much too much sometimes and other not enough.  I hope someday I will have learned how to measure my steps and reaches.  If I do not perhaps I am not to do anything different than I already am.

I shall leave this note for the time being.

With much love

Mom

1-10-96 10:05 pm.

You Have Had A Couple of Good Days

July 22, 2018 / / 0 Comments

June_23_05

Typed Text From Journal Page:

Hello my darlings (scribble)

Weird, I know.  It’s my own sort of code, “Ha!, Hmmm?)” Whatever. You have had a couple of good days.  We had Parent Conference a couple of nights ago and you guys were great.  Your teachers are all so happy with you.  Emma, you are truly becoming – you fight it, but everyone is so happy with you.  Drama, writing in Humanities, you got physics credit or some such thin – and math – Wow-Algebra 2 next year.  But you fight it.  I let your teachers know you didn’t want to go there next year, but it is not an option.  I think you feel better.  Brandon, you don’t know it yet, but Syd said you got picked by the actor guy…from your rehearsal.  We’ll see if they follow through – That’s what she whispered in my ear.  In the meantime, you two are doing well with each other. Love Mom.

How Will You See Me In My Winter

July 20, 2018 / / 0 Comments

June_13_05

Typed Text From Journal Page:

I was wondering what I look like to you two from where you see.  I see myself aging, sagging south, losing hair, “fighting” the midriff bulge that appears at thirty-something, somehow trying to convince myself I can slow the process down.  For perspective on when today is, tomorrow is your end-of-year performance at RenArts, your first one, graduation for South Pas is on Thursday, and Emma you’ve yet to decide what is best for Emma with regards to going to see the “girls”.  We continue to work through, working through.  Emma-trying to better prepare for your high stress moments and your stressed stress moments, and your stressed moments.  It seems like there is always something, but I worry you will always be too stressed to handle “it” with a level head.  Brandon, I worry you will always pretend you are cooler and more in control, when in fact you are so similar to Emma.  You two need to balance each other out.  Well, back to me.  Brandon, I know you notice me aging, and I hope I am not disappointing you.  I know you want me to keep up in Karate, but is it because you “expect more” as you say, or is it that you are uncomfortable with me not keeping up – too much a reminder that I am aging?  Em, I don’t think you even notice.  You don’t pay attention to very much of my “stuff”, and I hope you don’t wake up someday and realize I am old, decrepit, and senile and you don’t remember me any other way.  Worse would be you feeling that you missed out.  I hope that never happens.  Nevertheless, I do wonder how the two of you see me now, and will see me in my winter.  I hope you know, by the time you read these pages, that my every moment was lived and thought with you in mind.  I am trying to keep myself fitter than say five or even ten years ago – but I am beginning to feel my age.  I am young, but an old thirty-eight.  It almost surprises me that I am my age.  It somehow crept up on me.  In two years I’ll be forty, and I wish to celebrate with a healthy mind and body.  I wish I could live for as long as you will need me, but I’ll have to settle for as long as I will – and hope I can make that a long while.  I pray for us every night and everyday.  I’ll pray for you forever.  I love you both – Mom

Touch the World and Leave Your Magic

July 19, 2018 / / 0 Comments

June_06_05

Typed Text From Journal Page:

My Lives

It has been a long week and it certainly was a long day.  You both had your presentations today and you performed with flying colors. Your teachers are all incredibly pleased with you all/both, and I am excited for you. Em, I have shared with you that I think, after all that has happened, that you are afraid of success.  The more I watch and listen the stronger this impression becomes.  I cannot help but begin yet on a new mission to help guide you through if in fact we find this to be true.  It is my new theory given the fact that on the one hand you show growth, express excitement, share new learning, glow over but yet you claim unhappiness with no known source and a desire to leave.  I can’t help to wonder if you want to escape all the positive growth because you are afraid to succeed.  How do I help[?]  Brandon, you are showing growth through leadership.  You turned in your  first job application, you are conducting for Maggie, leading boys dance teams, and hopefully, recognizing that you have gifts to share, you both do, and it should be a goal, a mission, to do that.  Our purpose in life should be to leave where you’ve been a better place.  Touch it with your gifts and leave your magic.  I will leave you very little, but I hope it’s quality will last beyond a lifetime.

You guys are my world.

Mom

Circa 1997

February 23, 2018 / / 0 Comments

Moon Jelly

Finally pulled out my “history bin”.  You know, that little box in which you keep some of your past locked up – the past you won’t let go of and you refuse your husband permission to throw it out.  The box that sits in the back corner of your closet shelf or the bottom of your closet behind everything else.  Mine is a plastic bin and it holds “journals” filled with drunken rants, reaches at poetry and stories that someday wished to be told.   The following is an undated entry written circa 1997, since that’s when some of the other entries were written.

I am not wrong
I look around me and question the actions which provoke me
The actions which provoke my thoughts of rebellion and disgust
Disgust with the way they manipulate peoples lives, peoples thoughts, peoples feelings
Feelings which are not wrong when they are from the heart
Feelings which are turned around by those who do not like to be seen through
I respect those people
For what they are is a product of what they have been through
But I cease the vicious circle which they are a part of
I will not let myself be pulled into that circle which surrounds the souls of the innocent and pretends to be their protector and enslaves them to a truth they do not know
A truth which is not existent in the world of the few
Only in the world of the many
They are made to believe what is inside this prison and made to evangelize that truth
A truth which many cannot see through
Only the few surviving
But they are constantly threatened by the deceivers of the circle
A circle I will not be a link to
I will not let the chains bind my soul
I am not wrong
I will continue to look through those which surround me and try to imprison me in their hold
telling me their truth
Their truths which are my lies
I will not be made to live inside their world
My world is small and few live within it
But we are not blind
We are strong
We see through their walls
We see through their circle
I am not wrong
I am not right
I have respect for those people
For that is all they know
Some day something will change
But for now – I am not wrong

And Suddenly, It Hits You

February 1, 2018 / / 0 Comments

He Was Just Opening His Locker

 

The Baby

It All Runs Together – Part 2

It All Runs Together – Part 1

The Cashier Said, “Hello”

Nothing Officer

Halloween

Get The Fuck Up

Why

Luminarias

Be Careful With The Baby

The Baby

The Baby

The question continues to be, how do we heal?

Do we turn our back and simply keep walking?

Do we confront and fight our offender?

Do we take in, digest, process, understand, forgive, move on?

Do we coil away and hide, ashamed of our reality?

All of the above?

These are my stick figure sketches of a time in my life. I’ve accepted that now. I’m no longer ashamed. No longer quiet. But the healing has only begun. And before it gets too far, others will be effected by the process. But that is not my doing anymore. It was done long ago and the time is here to confront and walk away. Once and for all.

 


 

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