not just the hits

Tag: #growstrong (Page 3 of 4)

Veiny Little Lies

Jan_1_98

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1/1/98 1:24 a.m.

Hey Babes,

I just got in a few minutes ago.  I dropped you off at daddy’s for one more day of vacation (Christmas). We were visiting grandma and the family this evening.  You are probably most likely aware that there is a problem between your father, Barbara, the Nishinakas and myself.  Unfortunately you are too young to understand the complicated, silly, uncaring details of why these problems exist.  The bottom line is that once there was a lie that was told.  It was a tiny little silly insignificant lie but nonetheless it was a lie.  Well, in order to not look bad, in order to not swallow someone’s pride, another lie was told to cover the little lie.  Pretty soon there were a whole lotta lies being told and so today your father is in a very difficult, up-the-creek, wretched smelling situation with the family.  He, for some reason, tries to convince the world that the world is against him.  He tries to convince complete strangers that his family, his friends, his co-workers, everyone is out to do him harm.  The sad part about the whole thing is that the only person who continues to hurt him is he himself.  Why, no one in the family can figure it out.  No one knows why.  But now the damage outstretches to you both.  His concoctions and notions are stretching their veiny little branches out in your direction.  And I refuse to let him reach you with his dilusion.

Emma, you in particular are being hurt by your dad and for some reason you do not want to acknowledge that he is where much of your pain stems from.  You need to begin by being honest with yourself.  Secondly, you need to ascertain the truth from reliable sources.  You need to remove all doubts from your mind about anything.  Never be afraid to ask for the truth.  I will always give you that.

Brandon, you appear to be holding up well against all of this.  You are, on the exterior, so resilient.  I truly hope, pray, that you are okay.  I wish with all of my strength that you are able to work through your dilem[m]as and/or be able to find the strength to ask for help when you need it.

Darlings, I can not [sic] give you all of the answers.  I wish I could just put everything right in front of you and let it sink inside, melt all around you and never leave you.  But I can not [sic].  I can only give you what I can, I try for it to be as much as I can carry at a time.  I bring a load here and there and try as I might.  I had a late start, but I don’t plan on stopping or slowing down so we should be okay on resources for living a good life.  You both are the future of the multiple generations of Nishinakas.  The line must be carried on, and you must do it sound of mind and heart.  Full of peace and love, truth and righteousness.  No less than that.  You ow it to your grandma.  You must show her that her strength continues in you.

Respectfully, Mom  (<3OX)

 

My Essence is Nothing Without You

December 30, 1997

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You are at the Phantom with your father and Barbara.  I was Christmas a few days back.  and what a wonderful Christmas it was.  I keep telling myself and others that I have restored my children’s faith in Santa Clause.  And then I think about it and wonder whether you continue to be kind to me and are willing to let me believe you  now believe in Santa Claus[e]. You see on Christmas Eve you were home, it was your turn with me for Christmas Eve.  I was at first upset with your father but as usual found a way to not live my moment disturbed.  I must do something to make your Christmas wonderful here as much as I would be with your father early the next day.  I devised a plan.  I arranged with George to have dinner with all of us together.  I spoke with your uncle Cesar and explained the present layout.  I put post-it notes on everything, where it should go, how, in what order.  He agreed to come and set everything up while we were having dinner.  And then, the big moment.  Santa came and was jollying up a storm.  He rang bells, he ho! ho! ho’d! loud and merry and you Brandon were so excited.  You jumped up on George’s couch and said “Oh my God, he’s here, he came, Santa’s here” Emma my darling you were scared.  You climbed on the chair and held your blanket an your thumb close to your mouth and said, “Mommy, I’m scared.” I picked you up and held you and asked you why, said it was just Santa.  You said you were scared and Brandon you came to me and held my hand.  I told you all we’d better go home and see what was going on and Emma you held onto me so tight.  Eager to see, but scared.  We walked outside and we could still here Santa shouting Merry Christmas.  We looked at the apt. door and the bells were on the floor and the door was open and there were presents everywhere.  “Wow” you said, “Santa came!” As we sat on the floor opening presents, unwrapping gifts you kept repeating, he came, he really came.  You both went to your stockings and were sad that there was nothing in mine.  But I said, “Oh look he left me my present over here, it was too big for the stocking.”  You were both so relieved.  As you sat back down and continued to open a present you said “Wow, he really came, and all these years I thought it was you.” I was floored, shocked, I laughed.  I asked you if all this time you thought it was me, how come you never said anything.  You looked at each other and then at me and replied, “because we thought you enjoyed doing it.” I could not believe you.  I laughed so deep inside.  I laugh deeper  every time I remember that moment.

Shortly after Lavinda Kennedy walked in.  She was in heaven to see the joy in your faces.  She smiled all the way inside her heart.  Just then Brandon, you get up and say to me, “Hey mom.  Now we share an experience.  Remember.” I was not sure of what you were saying.  You said, remember, when you were a little girl and you saw glitter, (sprinkles) remember, and now me, I heard him.  We share an experience.” I remembered.  I remembered so fondly, so warmly, so purely, how could I not.  My mama, you were just so happy Santa brought you your Barbie mustang, Barbie dolls, so much glitter in your eyes.  You gave me the best hugs.  After all the excitement it was time for you to enjoy Christmas at dads, and so soon you left.  Emmy, you became sad, I asked if you wanted to take a toy.  You quietly, shyly came to the car and the Barbie and meekly pointed to it.  I want to put you inside of me sometimes and protect you from the pain that haunts you.  Take away your fears.  Help you build your self esteem to heights of love and wisdom and cherished compassion that no one will ever take away or hinder.  I want to hold you in my arms during those times you feel afraid and tear out from within all that makes you feel that way. You are my mama.

Lord, how I love you both.

My life would come to an end without you.  I would just vanish from within, seize to exist.  My love, my heart, my essence is nothing without you.  I would never allow myself to hurt you.  I would hurt anyone who ever harmed you in anyway.

In every heart there is a seed from this seed grows a life powerful, strong, vibrant.  The nurturing it enjoys is vital. Without it it would dry up and seize to grow. To[o] much of it, and the same will occur.

I Love You Both

Eternally

Mom

Help Your Generation Be A Better Generation

Listen to your heart

July_18_96

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7/18/96 11:45 p.m.

My dearest children,

The world I live in today is a blind one.  It is walked upon by people who are presumptuous and arrogant. Not only are they that, but they are also [vainly] arrogant.  It is unfortunate. Unfortunate because there is much energy in these people.  Somewhat misguided, uncontrolled.  They do not stop long enough to listen, or long enough to understand.  Opinions, inflated facts, and an understanding of reality – limited to their narrow minded choices of information.

With luck, work and brighter future in mind, your world will not be similar to mine.  With hope, your generation will be a much better guided one.  One enriched by what you two have to offer.

You will hopefully see beyond the passions which pervert and blind those who do not control them.

We are our own worse enemy my children.  Our senses can confuse and control us.  Always turn to your hearts and your mind for the answer.

Answer only to your soul – not to the blind.  Always listen more than you speak.  Listen to what people say and to what they do not say.  What they do not say is just as important.  You can try to set them straight on some of the facts. But try is all one can do.

Do not push, do not shove.  A whisper in a crowd can be heard better than a shouting voice.

Much of this may not make sense, so you may need to ask me what it was all about.  I hope that is the case.  Remind me I was referring to Common Law and Gregory Fargo and platoon.

Love

Mom

P.S. We had a tough day today, the three of us.  But I love you with all of my heart.  Incredibly much. Sooo much.

My Wish For You

July_13_96Em

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7/13/96 1:12 a.m.

Emma,

My darling, beautiful daughter. How much I do love you.  I look at you and wish you would let yourself be four years old.  You are in such a hurry to grow up.  Your baby pictures make me wish, yearn for that little girl that is inside and does not want to be.  I get desperate just thinking about how much I wish you were my little baby.  I did not play with you often enough.  I did not hold you often enough, or long enough.  So much time has passed and so many things have happened – yet so few things have happened.  I have been so busy fighting with you that I have not enjoyed the Emma you are.  Soon you will b away and I will not have had you at all.  I understand that feisty young girl inside of you.  I can see how your fear hides behind your anger.  I wish I could take that all away, but I can not.  I try to help you guide it, mold it, control it and not let it control you.

You make that so difficult.  You fight me every step.  I keep hoping that once you start kindergarten you will find a way to con[s]truct your venting. That is my hope.  That which you find and my love and understanding will help you find the way – Your way.

You are such a wonderful person. You are incredible. You are so full of fire and spirit – Alive and impatient with the walls that bind you.  But you put up your own walls.  Your inability to let your self be human is always your undoing.  I hope that by the time you get to read this you have overcome and conquered that fear.  I do not know what the future holds for me.  However, I try to make the best of what we have.  I try to make the right choices.  I have tried to find someone to fit into our life that will offer more stability, but I have not been successful.  I wish to either quit entirely or someday succeed.  Not entirely for our benefit but also for mine.  Once you and Brandon have left my side this person is all I will have left.  So far that person has not happened.  Apa has come the closest.  In love and soul he touches me deep, where I have not been touched by any other.  Yes, not even by your father.  Apa feels about many things the way I do.  He understands me, and most of all he understand, loves, and respects you – not as a child, but as a human being.  People like Apa you will not find very easily in the world.  Perhaps by the time you need someone in your life an individual such as he has been cultivated for you.  One can only hope that mankind is working today to better the generation of tomorrow.  You are that generation, you and your brother.

Work together, work well, each other is all you have that has been a lifetime.

And don’t forget to let yourself be human, and to love – universally.

Love

Mama

July_13_96Br

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7/13/96 1:45 a.m.

My Son,

I looked into your eyes today after raising my voice to you and my heart broke.  I love you so much.  I crush when ever you are sad. You are such a loving gentle person.  Although sometimes you can be a real shit, but you’re only seven and even you need to vent. I am tough on you because I want you to be prepared for life.  You are a boy and soon a man, men do not get taught how to be real, simply how to be men.  I want you to be both.

Always know how to treat a lady.  Especially if she has earned it.

Occasionally you may have to sock your sister in the arm and set her straight on the facts of life.  Remind her to love herself, remind her that it’s ok to be human.  She is allowed to cry, be angry, be happy and be scared.

Never raise your voice to another person, even if they merit it. Never lie, or cheat or steal.  The only person you truly end up doing it to is yourself.

I am not the perfect mother, I am human.  The day I become perfect I must be dead and in the kingdom of this higher power we call God. Only there can any one be perfect.

I want so much for you.  You are a wonderful human being.  Never let anyone take that away from you.  Never let anyone tell [you] you’re wrong.  Never stop asking questions.  Never stop looking for answers.  The puzzles you try to put together are of another kind.  Keep trying – if the pieces do not fit make new pieces.

Life is too, too short son.

Love

Mom

Please Be Strong

June_23_96

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6/23/96

My rug rats,

Another busy, wonderful weekend for us.  You are now at Daddy’s.  I sit here writing memories for you.  I am currently out of work and our budget is tight, but we are going to be just fine.  You are taking swimming lessons.  We have had some fun afternoons playing football.  Visiting friends needs to be more a part of our agenda.  Greg has been a part of our life for the past few weeks.  That part is not going to work out.  I feel like he does not understand what I am trying to do with you.  Not many people do.  Now-a-days raising children in a loving, patient environment is not what many people do.  Greg certainly is not one of them.  That is too bad.  But your moma is not one to let people be impatient with you.  I do not care who it is.  I love you both.  Please be strong.

Brandon, take care of Emma.

Emma, let him.

Love

Moma

 

Don’t Dwell On What You Didn’t Get

June_16_05.pdf

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You probably at this point are wondering what Milton’s role or Nancy’s role are in my life.  They are both in it, but how, to what degree, and why? The truth is that they probably feel they are more in my life than I give them room for.  The truth to me is that I’ve never, thus far, felt my life and future belonged to any one partner.  To this very moment my life belongs to the two of you – no one else.  I do desire someone in my life – “fantasy” would have someone phenomenal, amazing, magical.  At this moment in my world there is no one that works that way.  Milton makes CD’s and boxes, and jewelry.  Nancy is humble, honest, predictable.  Anyone else would have some other find quality to them.  The “truth” reality, sadness of it all is that now one impresses me. My feeling is that we are in a good place at this moment.  I do, at times, wonder what if…when I remember/think of Hector. But… And that is the standard.  Don’t do this when you grow older and more “jaded”.  Live, Love, ad Enjoy every person you are with, when you are with them.  And move on.  Everyone you meet will have something to offer you.  You loved ones will have something you can take with you.  Don’t dwell on what you didn’t get.  This is always easier said than done.  But it is necessary.

How Will You See Me In My Winter

June_13_05

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I was wondering what I look like to you two from where you see.  I see myself aging, sagging south, losing hair, “fighting” the midriff bulge that appears at thirty-something, somehow trying to convince myself I can slow the process down.  For perspective on when today is, tomorrow is your end-of-year performance at RenArts, your first one, graduation for South Pas is on Thursday, and Emma you’ve yet to decide what is best for Emma with regards to going to see the “girls”.  We continue to work through, working through.  Emma-trying to better prepare for your high stress moments and your stressed stress moments, and your stressed moments.  It seems like there is always something, but I worry you will always be too stressed to handle “it” with a level head.  Brandon, I worry you will always pretend you are cooler and more in control, when in fact you are so similar to Emma.  You two need to balance each other out.  Well, back to me.  Brandon, I know you notice me aging, and I hope I am not disappointing you.  I know you want me to keep up in Karate, but is it because you “expect more” as you say, or is it that you are uncomfortable with me not keeping up – too much a reminder that I am aging?  Em, I don’t think you even notice.  You don’t pay attention to very much of my “stuff”, and I hope you don’t wake up someday and realize I am old, decrepit, and senile and you don’t remember me any other way.  Worse would be you feeling that you missed out.  I hope that never happens.  Nevertheless, I do wonder how the two of you see me now, and will see me in my winter.  I hope you know, by the time you read these pages, that my every moment was lived and thought with you in mind.  I am trying to keep myself fitter than say five or even ten years ago – but I am beginning to feel my age.  I am young, but an old thirty-eight.  It almost surprises me that I am my age.  It somehow crept up on me.  In two years I’ll be forty, and I wish to celebrate with a healthy mind and body.  I wish I could live for as long as you will need me, but I’ll have to settle for as long as I will – and hope I can make that a long while.  I pray for us every night and everyday.  I’ll pray for you forever.  I love you both – Mom

Touch the World and Leave Your Magic

June_06_05

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My Lives

It has been a long week and it certainly was a long day.  You both had your presentations today and you performed with flying colors. Your teachers are all incredibly pleased with you all/both, and I am excited for you. Em, I have shared with you that I think, after all that has happened, that you are afraid of success.  The more I watch and listen the stronger this impression becomes.  I cannot help but begin yet on a new mission to help guide you through if in fact we find this to be true.  It is my new theory given the fact that on the one hand you show growth, express excitement, share new learning, glow over but yet you claim unhappiness with no known source and a desire to leave.  I can’t help to wonder if you want to escape all the positive growth because you are afraid to succeed.  How do I help[?]  Brandon, you are showing growth through leadership.  You turned in your  first job application, you are conducting for Maggie, leading boys dance teams, and hopefully, recognizing that you have gifts to share, you both do, and it should be a goal, a mission, to do that.  Our purpose in life should be to leave where you’ve been a better place.  Touch it with your gifts and leave your magic.  I will leave you very little, but I hope it’s quality will last beyond a lifetime.

You guys are my world.

Mom

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