Tag: #growstrong (Page 1 of 4)

Pursuit of “Happyness”

October 3, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

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It’s a new year. I’m finished with school, again, and I just don’t know where I’m going next. We need to figure out a way to do better. Not that we are not doing well, but I just am so tired of struggling and not being able to be whimsical. Yet, I must give thanks to God for giving me the strength to come this far.

We watched Pursuit of Happyness today. The little boy tells this joke about a man that was drowning, yet he turns down two boats that happen by and offer to rescue him. He tells them that God will save him. After drowning he asks God why he did not save him. God tells the man he sent him two boats.

I wonder, do we just not see the salvation that is right in front of us? We keep looking for magical miracles and miss out on the tangible things. I just want to teach you guys right. I want to make you ready, and I don’t want you to be lazy. I don’t want you to quit and I don’t want you to think that everything is always so easy. Things can be, but not everything is. I don’t want you to be afraid of making tough decisions. I don’t want you to be afraid of making mistakes – just learn from them. Look around you and learn from your surroundings. Don’t learn all of your lessons from me. I’m not perfect. But, you both know that. I look at your pictures and time has just passed so quickly.

Emma, you never let me hold you enough.

Brandon, you grew old too fast. You both need to keep a little youth in you.

Emma, you need to learn to mind your temper and your tongue – that will be your cross.

Brandon, you need to learn to follow through and think – stop complaining.

Love, Mom

It Hurts Me More

October 1, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

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11/18/06

Being a parent is no easy role – The day has been trying. Brandon – you did not get to get your Wii tonight. I don’t know if you miscalculated your funds or spent more than you thought, or lost some of it, but you did not have enough. It is so heart breaking for me to see you lose out on something – but I can’t bail you out. There is that old saying, “It hurts me more than it hurts you.” Boy is that ever true. Your every little disappointment, discomfort, or pain becomes my own and I wish I were the only one to experience it. But without those lessons we are but empty vessels. Your sister was so upset for you. She was so willing to come to your rescue. Em, you are such a good sister. But, I’m glad that you held your tongue and did not come to your brother’s rescue. After all, this was not a life or death matter. Hopefully, those will never come, but when the urgency arrives then that will be the time. Mama, you must always know that my heart breaks for both of you – for you the same as it does for your brother. I have not shared my feelings about your car accident, but not a day goes by that I myself do not relive that day. I drive past General Hospital everyday and everyday I remember.

Love, Mom

Let it be Difficult for Me Now

September 20, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

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11/13/06

As I was dozing while you guys each worked on something for school I could hear the two of you in the background. Brandon, you on the cello, and Emma, you on my computer – typing a journal entry for your drama class. You are both tired and frustrated, but of course, for different reasons. Brandon, the month will be long, filling out college applications and practicing more on your cello. Emma, you are, and will continue to be recovering from your accident. Your frustrations are valid. I hate to see the two of you struggle. I wish I could simply solve all of the woes that come your way and make everything right all the time. But life is not like that. And I have to keep telling myself that somethings I just have to let you “do”. I don’t always like it – It is difficult – for me. Let it be difficult for me now, and not for you later. I love you with all my blood and Soul.

Mom

When it Rains, Look for the Silver Lining

September 18, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

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07-24-06

Boy-When it rains it pours, and the, if you keep your eyes open, a little silver lining. Well, I’ve been processing all of the “paperwork” for leaving the District only to continue encountering one pebble in the road after another. To make matters slightly more taxing, the car over heated, and I don’t know just how bad it is. I hope I did not kill anything major. I had to leave it at the gas station down the road, I hope it’s okay. If it isn’t one thing, it’s something else. Money is pretty tight right now. Pinching pennies. I hope things let up soon. God give me strength. Still no word from the IRS on replacing the stolen check, I need to call them too. And, your father’s fiasco is fresh on my mind. Argh! But, (silver lining) my teacher, who is some District employee is really nice and is willing to look at my letter to the District regarding my resignation. And, my student Juan called. I haven’t heard from him in a while. I’ll call him tomorrow. So, I’ll just have to sleep on my troubles so I have the strength to fight them away tomorrow. My babies, I just want a better life for both of you. I hope that by the time you read these pages I have done that.

I Love You Two Sooooooo Much!

You are my Universe!

I am nothing Without You!

I Love You –

Mom

Your Father is the One to Lose

September 17, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

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07-21-06

Well, today your father truly outdid himself. Brandon, your uncle Jamie got you a game to coach in So. Pas and your dad tried to take it away. If ever I felt rage it was tonight, towards your father. Baseball bat to the car and all. But, I truly believe that God and the universe are mighty. And Kharma is a powerful thing. Your grandfather George died alone. The only kindness he received was out of pity, not love, not respect. This happened because he was just as much a father to his seven children as your father has been to you and Emma. Your father is a jealous man. He is jealous of our success without him, just like his father was. He is now repeating the very same mistakes his own father made, with you and Emma. The worst part is that he is hurting you and Emma. But, why should you be spared merely because he know what it is like. I was joking about you changing your name, to end the cycle of the Nishinaka curse. After the joke I truly considered it to b a good idea. you and Emma are too good to be called Nishinaka. Emma, you were so hurt. I know you love your dad, and I understand that kind of love. An you are doing such a great job at standing your ground against daddy’s injustice. I know it has been difficult and painful, but this is something you must learn to do. If you let your father walk all over your heart, he will keep doing it. You and Brandon need to “keep together”, no matter what happens. Your father is the one to lose here.

You two are my universe, my system.

Mom-

Sacrifice Is Not A Terrible Thing

September 14, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

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7-15-06

There are so many things running through my mind right now. It’s late, but I’m not tired. Emma, I hope by now you’ve found a way to work out your kinks – life is not perfect. I keep trying to get you to accept that. Today you were upset about being asked to help walk the dogs with Phia. There truly was no reason for you to be upset, but you were. You protested that you had already done it. You spent all day at Mama Les, swimming and you can’t fint it in you to give a little more. I was washing her dishes for approximately a half an hour – dishes I did not even dirty. You did go, and it turned out that Xophia lost control of the dogs and needed your help afterall. It is so much easier to do for others. What you get back is joy. Last night you pitched a fit because you did not wish to celebrate my new job at the Brazilian restaurant. You were so mean – even snapped. “Don’t touch me” when I attempted to caress your face. Your words and your actions can cut through a heart. I swallowed my pain and told Nancy you were not going to spoil the celebration – but you already had. All of this because of your phobia over new things. Only to find, in the end, that you find your comfort zone and eventually join in – which you did. You joined in the eating and the laughter. It was only then a complete evening. Your angry words are nevertheless still in my chest, and the look on your face is vivid in my mind still. Your fears, unwarranted, and your phobias take you to the darkest of places. Do you not think that I get afraid. It is simply that I cannot show it. I must be strong for us. I am all that we have. I am the one responsible for getting you and your brother on your own adult feet. It is such a tremendous responsibility – You have no idea right now. Hopefully, by the time you read this all wounds have bee healed and you have more of an understanding for the magnitude and fragility of life. You are such a great person, if you allow it. Sacrifice is not a terrible thing, as long as it doesn’t hurt you. You can go without an extra ten minutes of rest, or wash an extra plate, or walk the dog again, or come to me with dinner (come to dinner with me?)- it won’t hurt you.

My Life Is Your Kharma

September 10, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

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06-28-06

My loves of my life:

A lot has transpired over the past months. So much that my energies were insufficient and my desire to communicate much of the events was non-existent. My relationship with Andrew has come to a close. You have both been privy to glimpses of what people can become in moments of emotional distress. It was just a couple of nights ago that Andrew dared come by the house unwelcome and uninvited. I felt such rage as I felt him invading and endangering our space – your space. I especially was protective of you Emma. You are going through such a rough time with your father. But, you are growing so much as a result. I know how painful it can all be sweety. I know how much you love daddy. You need to know that what has happened and will happen is not your fault or responsibility. You father has always been a martyr. he was when I met him, and he is to this day. Perhaps in the years to come he might find light in the love he may have for you. You both have definitely been my light, my strength, my courage, my love, my life. Without the two of you I am nothing. Brandon, you are getting ready to go to the Anime Expo – I don’t now why, but my heart aches, and tears flow forth at the thought of you being gone. I don’t know if it is the reality that you are growing up, or fear that something might happen to you, or a premonition – I hope I am wrong. I pray for both of you everyday, every night, when I wake up in the middle of the early morning, at all hours of the day. I pray God always watch over you and continue to strengthen my spirit and breathe me life. I am almost done with school – my MA in administration. I’ll be taking my comps in the Fall, and then I’ll be done. In the meantime I await the decision of the College Ready Charter School folks. We’ll see if I get the AP position for which I interviewed. There is much that I need to do for myself – for you guys. I often become overwhelmed and find sleep a great escape. I have neglected writing with all that has consumed me. Andrew really did deprive me of energy – so needy was he. I am still at the stage where he does not wish to let go, pouting and tantrums about ending this. So much so that I have forbidden him to come around or contact me in any way. I was so enraged the other night I could have hurt him had he insisted on not leaving. I have not felt that type of rage in such a long, long time. I felt, I suppose as a lioness would feel protecting my cubs. You two are my universe and everything around and inside of it. I love you both so, so, so very much. In fact, Gig and you, Emma, went out and bought Walters’ red shoes. I wrapped them and somehow it was decided that I would drop them off. But I cannot. I cannot for so many reasons – It is mean, sneaky, negative and my karma may be effected. Plus, it would be a form of deception, which is a lie and I cannot lie. So, I am going to let the girls down. I cannot help it. I love you two so incredibly much. I would not dare taint your karma with mine. I so hope that you are both as close as you can maximum be – as close to each others hearts as you are to mine. Brandon, don’t forget you are a role model to your sister in the area of a male and how a male should be. And Emma, you keep looking at the successes and promises of gain, not at your losses. Keep your eye on the glass half full, not the one that is half empty. And let go of the baggage. Brandon, don’t be lazy.

I love you,

Mom

Family is Practice for Real Life

September 5, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

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12/09/05

It is almost the close of another day, a Friday. I find myself frustrated and confused Em about what it is that you want and expect of me. One moment you’re in a good mood, happy, and we’re getting along great. And within minutes, or even seconds you mood has shifted and you’re angry or upset. I feel as if I can never win, and I simply cannot keep up with your pace. The truth of this all is that I feel as if I have failed as a mother – somehow, there is something I neglected to do. I don’t know how to help you. My fear for you is that you’ll be great in the outside world and unhappy in your heart. I have seen adults live their lives this way. Your father is like that. Everyone thinks he’s just great. But with intimacy, partnership, a human relationship – that is still missing. The worst part about it is that I’m disallowing your brother the space and opportunity to express how you are effecting him. I apologize for that Brandon. I don’t want you to be a man that is short, mean, and cruel with women, and I don’t want Emma to think that she deserves to be mistreated by men. But I think I need to begin to allow you, Brandon, to let her know directly when she is hurting the relationship. I do want you to be able to tell people, especially your partner, that harm is occurring in the relationship. I simply do not wish for your expressions to be angry or visceral – you will only bring embitterment to yourself. My worries for the two of you are joint and individual. As brother and sister and as human beings I don’t want or wish for you to struggle in your relationships with people as I have. I did not have the guidance of a mother, or a father and I’ve had to learn as I go. But, I do know what I wish for you, and it is nothing but an amazing, productive life. It seems Emma that we have a few amazing or positive moments a day, or perhaps every few days. I cannot imagine you having this level of a relationship with someone you choose as a mate or someone who chooses you. It does not feel pleasant to walk on egg shells around someone you’re “suppose” to love. I say suppose, because family love should just come naturally, it is built-in. It should not be earned, it does not need to grow through time, it simply is. Family is where you’re “suppose” to have love without conditions, without the need to earn it, or worry about losing it. Family is practice for real life, for strengthening that which we need to begin with someone else – to spread out, to share, to grow. When we’re ready, we find someone of our own with which to compart that which we’ve nurtured and made prosperous. Both of you have to help each other through this journey. That which one of you does not understand or finds difficulty accomplishing the other must assist. You will need each other, similar to how I need someone from my family – someone that know me and understands where I have been. I’ll never have that. You two are this very thing for each other. When you come to the place where you can see this to be true I want you both to be standing together, not apart. Together, to understand it, to feel it, and to appreciate that you are seeing it together.

As Always,

Your Mother

To the Moon?

August 27, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

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8-12-05

As if by writing or not writing or not verbalizing fears and thoughts (I avoid writing them or verbalizing them) I could actually avoid experiencing them. I don’t remember if I have ever written or said anything in the past about my fear of dying before you two are ready. But, if I do I want you to know one thing, I love you as if or as much as the world, universe, and the unknown beyond is big. You are my world. Emma, I wish you would let me hug you more. Brandon, don’t ever feel sad when I’m gone. Be a man. Both of you, one never knows what the world has in store for us. Live a good life. Hopefully, God has great plans for me, still. I wish to be around to fulfill each one of his plans for me. I cannot ever express enough how much I love you both!

LOVE Mom

We Are Not Super-Human, We Are Just Human

August 26, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

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7/19/05

Em, you’re with dad for the summer. I hope your vacation is going well and as expected. I know how possessive you can be of your father and how that can feel. I use to always fantasize that if I could just take grandpa away from all the people that make him drink and be careless I could rescue him. I thought that all he needed was to get away. Obviously, that is not how things actually work, and therefore that is not how they worked. I eventually grew up and realized I was not responsible for raising my father. I believe I shared that sentiment with your brother when he was struggling at the age of five with what to do about daddy. I worry that you will grow up with a complex about yourself or your dad and simply have horrible relationships in the future. I know I cannot control your life or the decisions you choose to make. Nevertheless, I can warn you of danger signs. Don’t take responsibility for how others feel, and don’t worry about what people think. You are: beautiful, smart, bright, precocious, you have a great sense of humour, you have presence, you are strong and are an amazing human being. Now, you just need to believe it. The list can go on, I’m sure. I hope by the time you read this you have already figured out all of these things. Just in case, I wrote them down.

Brandon, you said something very interesting to me today. Just a reminder, we cleaned the inside of the car today because it had flies growing out of nowhere. I was making a big deal out of it, because flies are maggots with wings. A sign of rotting carnage, Uggh! I went on about it that you said ~”nothing ever” bothers me, or phases me, or disturbs me and you were surprised to see me go on about the flies. I explained of course that where there are flies, there is something dead. Nevertheless, it surprised me to see that you felt I am so composed about events and life, that was eye opening. Also, you won the query of whether it was Burbank to the left upper corner frame outside my window. This to impressed you and actually made you gloat. Your comment was you usually can never win against me. How large you see me. I’ll have to work on that. I hope by this time I have sorted or balanced some of your views. I am human. I’ve struggled for all of us to be where we are today and tomorrow.

I hope along the way I taught you two how to make it.

Always, always, always, stay together, be together, work through things together. I love you and I always worry about you.

Love Mom

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