Tag: finding yourself (Page 2 of 4)

To Live Long Enough

August 15, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):

4/20/05

Hi Babies;

I’ve been sick for the past few days, maybe a week and a few days now. It has been a while since I’ve been sick for such a period of time. I was ill on my birthday, but that only lasted a couple of days. Brandon, I think you’ve grown and matured as of late. You’ve been tucking me in as oppose to the other way around. I hate being sick and not being able to be strong for you both. it really struck me Brandon when you asked me to prepare a tortilla for you. Maybe I read too much into it, but it was almost as if you just wanted me to do something for you that a mother would do. Em, it seems like my mortality is the one thing that brings you around. You’ve tried being nicer. You have certainly had a change in how you approach your school work. You wrote your paper on your book all alone. Muy Proud! Now if I can only get you to feel as confident in all areas of your life. I’m better, but the thought of me aging can’t seem to find its way out of my mind. The truth is I am aging. I don’t take care of myself and I feel it. I’m 38 now, and although my intentions are good, time has gotten away from me.

I want to live long enough to make sure you two are strong and healthy and well on your way. I guess I’ll have to keep my many wishes to take better care of myself.

You two are my universe.

Love, Mom

Don’t Half Swing – You’ll Never Get to Base

August 11, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Jan_25_05

Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):

1/25/05

Hey babies:

You’re both doing well. Em, you have truly made an effort at improving your attitude over the past few days. I hope you see how great your life can be given all of your positive attributes. You have sooo much to offer if you continue to perform at the level you’ve been performing. Your cooking is going well. We’ll see how the project ends/continues. I think I should also write your journal. Your karate is going great. You are advancing quite nicely. I hope you’re proud.

Bubba, diving has proven to be a real task. Unless I ride you, or take away privileges you just don’t motivate yourself to finish things. You need to be self-motivated Brandon. You need to do what needs doing and learn to follow through. Don’t “half swing” at life – you’ll never get to base.

I love you guys – Momma

Following Through

August 10, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Jan_16_05

Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):

1/16/05

Emma, daddy brought you home early from his weekend with you. You apparently had some sort of temper tantrum over there, meriting an early return. You were not at all happy, and cried greatly. You did however manage to compose yourself as soon as he left, and decided to organize your room. I felt I had to finally figure out what goes on in my stomach every time you act up. I let you know I took myself to the doctor. I don’t know how any of this effects you, but I hope you get it soon.

Brandon, I know you became disappointed when I said no to lunch with the boys, but I have to be consistent. You have not completed your diving…yet… Until then, I must curtail your extra-curriculuar. You understand this, I know – but do nothing about it. This, I hope, will change.

Love, Mom.

Things Money Cannot Buy

August 9, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Jan_10_05

Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):

1/10/05

Today was a good day-

Emma, you joked about having a migraine and how it was a by-product of having been good. You said you studied, and worked hard, and paid attention and didn’t talk. Whew! that must have been hard for you. No wonder you got a migraine. You took your first full pill. Yeah! it was cut into four pieces no bigger than a peppercorn, each, and you still made a scene – but you swallowed them in less than 7 min. You’re doing well in Karate – Sensei strengthens you. He does not provide, merely brings out that which you already have.

Brandon, you seem in good spirits today. it is always good to see you smile and fell you light hearted and spirited. it brings me a sense of relief and happiness. You wrote a good letter to John, I’m proud of you. It is actually a little stronger than I expected. Maybe you won’t let people take advantage of you when you get older! 🙂

I only want the best for the two of you. That does not mean fancy cars and expensive things. It means the best life – and money cannot buy that.

I love you both sooooo much.

We will never be apart.

Love, Momma

Re-Boot

August 7, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Dec_29_04

Typed Text From Journal Page:

12/29/04

A tsunami off the coast of Sumatra sent waves crashing as far as Africa to the east and Malaysia to the west, across Sri Lanka and Indonesia, India, Thailand, Myanmar.

Estimates of 100,000 dead haunt the news. The images of the devastated people grip my heart as I think of my own. Emma, we are struggling. You are a strong willed child, and I find nothing wrong with that spirit. What I find destructive is your seeming selfishness and volatile behaviour as a result. I read the headlines and see the broken faces and wonder if you will ever get it.

Brandon, my fears for you are that life is so much more than you act it to be. You sit around too much. There is much that you want, but you don’t do anything to get it. E.G. have you finished SCUBA?…No! I give you too much space. I give both of you too many choices and too much room to make mistakes. I have mistaken that space for room to spread your wings. It has instead given you room to lose your balance – as you reach to hold the wall it is too far from your reach. I need to bring those walls back in. I need to keep you focused. I need to remind you I still call the shots. I will never take away your senses of individuality and freedom, but something is not right and I need to fix whatever that is.

For beginners:

Brandon, you will write a musical piece for the current events in Asia.

Emma, you will write the lyrics.

Love, Momma
12:39 a.m.

Brandon – You’re at Trevors
Emma – You’re w/dad.
I’m in bed thinking of you both.

My Struggle Should Not Be Your Struggle

August 6, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Dec_27_04

Typed Text From Journal Page:

12/27/04

Babies

I can not believe so much time has passed since I wrote in this book for you.

We are in a new place now, on the hill – 75 Monterey Rd. The place is very nice, a “find” really – and we’ve been here since August of this year.

Emma, we’ve done few of the things I wished we would do – and I can not justify why. You started Karate in October and it has gone well.

You both started at Renaissance and while neither of you are certain it is what you like, I feel deep in my heart that it is a good thing for you. You are being exposed to things that you otherwise would not see unless through me or much later in life.

I pray everyday for guidance. How I hope I am not failing you too poorly as a mother or in preparing you for life.

I know there is always more that can be done. And I need to find the strength to do it. I don’t want to see you suffer or struggle the way I have. I do not want to see you not progressing or growing, flourishing, taking advantage of life. I realize that much of what you will become depends on how I lead you. But remember this: What I have become depended on how you lead me.

We have had a good year.

Emma, you ebb and flow, try to find your stream.

Brandon, you ebb more than you flow – what drives you? Find it! and press on the accelerator.

Both of you need to find the pleasure and the mystery of life and put it to good use.

I’ll try to be a better example, but don’t always expect me to lead.

I can not get enough of you. Love Momma

We Can’t Save Our Fathers

August 5, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Jan_4_04

Typed Text From Journal Page:

1/4/04

A new year begins – and I look forward to opportunity and chance. The opportunities offered by my gains and the chance to live a better life. As i sit here there are a thousand thoughts running through my head. Emma, you’re in your room, I’ve just tucked you in, and your crying silently over your dad. No one can save him from himself. He is a man who refuses to take responsibility for himself and his actions, his choices, his mistakes. A habit you have unconsciously developed. You are too busy in your emotions trying to save him and you can’t sweaty. I tried saving my dad. I tried for too long. It does not hurt anymore, but I wish he were in my life. I am looking forward to working with you on on your feelings this year. There are a few new things I want to try. Maybe if we work on your writing at night, reading together, learning how to make projects, you can find a way to channel your emotions in a productive and self-satisfying manner. I know it is hard. But you are strong – you are not too young. I was trying to save grandpa at your age, maybe even younger. I can tell you countless adventures, but what good would that do?

We Keep Fighting This Fight

August 4, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

May_5_03

Typed Text From Journal Page:

5/6/03

Brandon –

We keep fighting this fight. I don’t know what you’re afraid of, I don’t know what motivates you, but you keep lying to me.

One lie only breeds more lies. One day you’ll find yourself in a place where you will look around and not recognize your surroundings. But you won’t want to confess so you’ll pretend you know where you are – but you won’t. It breaks me up to se eyou hurt yourself this way. It breaks me up to see you not think about how much pain I feel over your actions. I am at a loss. I don’t know what to do. Today it’s homework and girlfriends, tomorrow it’s your relationships and your family. Honesty is something so sacred. It is the only thing one can build on. It is the solid foundation of any long lasting structure. How can you have anything else, if you do not begin with what you know is real.

I do not recall if I ever told you the whole story of Hector, and our break-up. Suffice it to say that is was because of his dishonestly. I believe that relationship would have lasted were it not for that. Any problem can be weathered if there is honesty, Brandon. Yes, emotions will fly, but what else do you expect? Emotions won’t always fly, but you can not expect that things happen with consequences. Don’t ever do something you not take responsibility for. If you do, then ‘fess up to what you have done. Don’t learn to do something that will cost you your life.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I feel like I don’t know you. I hate that feeling.

Chicken Pox!

August 3, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Mar_31_98

Typed Text From Journal Page:

3/31/98 10:00 pm

You got the chicken pox two days ago – 3/29 to be accurate. You did not go to your game 3/30 although your father made a guest appearance. I called him to tell him you were quite possibly sick with the pox and would not be playing. He just called, a day and a half after finding out you were sick, to see how you were doing. He said he would bring you some books tomorrow after work. In a way I was hoping he did not call, I was disappointed when he did. So I tell myself, “sure, at 10:00 at night after his shit is taken care of!” Justifying my feelings. I realize that is the extent of your fathers expression of love. I suppose it is love. How can it not be – you are his son. I am sure in his warped ill-sensed way he loves you. He can only display that love through “pieces” for show. I suppose you have with you the memories you create while with me and the objects you possess of him. You get us both, just differently. I do not believe I will ever like your father. Mostly because he does not do things the way I do. A large part however is because he lives in world (sic) so dysfunctional that it infects your world – at least right now he does. Perhaps someday he will change. I still wonder, where will he be for you? Emma has her own issues with him. Where will be be for her?

I am not the greatest
I am not the best
I do love you

Momma

The Ugly

August 2, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Feb_4_98

Typed Text From Journal Page:

2/4/98 8:31 p.m.

You must of said it all today. The past week and a half has been a difficult one. At first I thought it was your usual wind down time from having spent the weekend with your father. Then I thought it was the fact that I started to see Michael to close to the time from which your father told you he got married. But then again, he never told you, you just happen to hear people talk. As time went on and your behaviour worsened I began to inquire as to why, what was I missing, was there something I was not seeing or listening to. I spoke with Mrs. Steben today. During the conversation she said something which struck a familiar feeling. She said she has a girlfriend who has two children, and everytime the children come home it is a trial for her. The reason it is a trial is because visiting dad is all about fun. Living with mom its all about discipline, structure, school, homework, the boring real stuff. What a life to come home to. To play or to prepare to play.

After all that and a couple more tantrums on your part, a class on my part, dinner w/Michael and your attitude all through it I found out, at least you expressed some feelings. I do not know, I never do, whether you over heard or over hear my conversations. While I spoke with Michael about my day, about you I mentioned my theory, about your dad. On the way back Brandon was saying to me that I was not listening to him. He was perhaps correct, most likely he was – I was to[o] busy dealing with your attitude. I responded by saying that “all week long, for the past week and a half, since Emma came home from your dad’s she has had an attitude and has been difficult. You said it all, “THAT’S BECAUSE AT MY DAD’S I HAVE FUN! HE DOES FUN THINGS! AND YOUR (SIC) STUPID! YOU DO STUPID THINGS! YOU JUST DO WORK! WORK!, WORK!, YOU JUST DO YOUR HOMEWORK ALL THE TIME! AND YOU MAKE ME DO MY HOMEWORK! AND I DON’T LIKE YOU!!!!!!!!” I went on bantering to myself about how you were right and I did nothing, I listed out loud all the things I do just for myself. You crawled onto your bed. You just watched me. I had told you to go live with him and Barbara if life was so great. I asked what he did do – you said he was fun, he let you watch movies and took you places. Heaven forbid, I turned human. I proceeded to indicate to you how I saw it, how it was. “If you think everyday with your father is going to be a trip to Disneyland, or the whales, or the opera or the movie you are mistaken. Do you know why your father gets to do all the fun stuff, because he isn’t here for anything else. He is not here for teaching you right from wrong. He’s not here to help you grow. he’s not here. If you want to be with him and Barbara then make the choice and so be it.”

I washed the dishes, wiped down the ants, and here I am. And there you are, here you are, where will you go.