Tag: divorce

The Ugly

August 2, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Typed Text From Journal Page:

2/4/98 8:31 p.m.

You must of said it all today. The past week and a half has been a difficult one. At first I thought it was your usual wind down time from having spent the weekend with your father. Then I thought it was the fact that I started to see Michael to close to the time from which your father told you he got married. But then again, he never told you, you just happen to hear people talk. As time went on and your behaviour worsened I began to inquire as to why, what was I missing, was there something I was not seeing or listening to. I spoke with Mrs. Steben today. During the conversation she said something which struck a familiar feeling. She said she has a girlfriend who has two children, and everytime the children come home it is a trial for her. The reason it is a trial is because visiting dad is all about fun. Living with mom its all about discipline, structure, school, homework, the boring real stuff. What a life to come home to. To play or to prepare to play.

After all that and a couple more tantrums on your part, a class on my part, dinner w/Michael and your attitude all through it I found out, at least you expressed some feelings. I do not know, I never do, whether you over heard or over hear my conversations. While I spoke with Michael about my day, about you I mentioned my theory, about your dad. On the way back Brandon was saying to me that I was not listening to him. He was perhaps correct, most likely he was – I was to[o] busy dealing with your attitude. I responded by saying that “all week long, for the past week and a half, since Emma came home from your dad’s she has had an attitude and has been difficult. You said it all, “THAT’S BECAUSE AT MY DAD’S I HAVE FUN! HE DOES FUN THINGS! AND YOUR (SIC) STUPID! YOU DO STUPID THINGS! YOU JUST DO WORK! WORK!, WORK!, YOU JUST DO YOUR HOMEWORK ALL THE TIME! AND YOU MAKE ME DO MY HOMEWORK! AND I DON’T LIKE YOU!!!!!!!!” I went on bantering to myself about how you were right and I did nothing, I listed out loud all the things I do just for myself. You crawled onto your bed. You just watched me. I had told you to go live with him and Barbara if life was so great. I asked what he did do – you said he was fun, he let you watch movies and took you places. Heaven forbid, I turned human. I proceeded to indicate to you how I saw it, how it was. “If you think everyday with your father is going to be a trip to Disneyland, or the whales, or the opera or the movie you are mistaken. Do you know why your father gets to do all the fun stuff, because he isn’t here for anything else. He is not here for teaching you right from wrong. He’s not here to help you grow. he’s not here. If you want to be with him and Barbara then make the choice and so be it.”

I washed the dishes, wiped down the ants, and here I am. And there you are, here you are, where will you go.

Down To The Wire

April 28, 2018 / Suzette / 3 Comments

It’ll be four years this June since we’ve been separated. Four years. Who does that? Who waits four years for their spouse to wake up and say, “You know what hunny, I’ve been crazy all this time and I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking when I let you walk out that door.”

Although, I haven’t really held him accountable for a four year separation. It’s been more like we’ve been living apart and because of the grandkids or the step-kids we found these excuses to get together. While not a good time would be had by all – I would begrudgingly be upset that he was there, while at the same time be glad – I would think that maybe he’d see what the hell he was missing and want to work on making things right. Wow! Am I a bit screwed up, or a lot screwed up? Or, just hopeful?

We are weeks away from our four years and I’ve decided that too much time has past, not enough amends have been made and I’m moving forward with the divorce. While I have said this before, it feels different this time. This time I feel the same way I felt when I decided to move out. I felt, well, decided, resolved, without doubt. All I needed/need to do is do it. The other feeling that is lurking around is loneliness. I now feel loneliness. I guess in the past, I’d come home and find some craft to do – a card, a mache bowl, a resin tile, something. I knew that inevitably my phone would ping and he’d find some reason to come over, I wouldn’t deny him, I’d be upset about it, but then not and we’d have an excuse for him to be here and me to have his company. You see – I still love my husband. I love him very much. But I must also have boundaries and limits and I value myself as well. I want to be loved by him like I love him, maybe that’s not realistic, real or possible. But, I also want to be respected by him. And I want him to command respect for me from those around us. He does not.

It’s always the same. We talk it out. We lay out the concerns – mostly mine. He voices understanding and agreement, vows improvement, and within a few days or weeks we’re back to square one. I tell him I’m tired of going in circles and ask him to leave, only to do it again a month or so later – for FOUR years. Only this time, this time I’ve surrendered and I know that what I’m asking is beyond him to give me. There is something beyond needing to be a better husband that is driving his choices. Something with which neither I nor he can compete. Maybe he knows what that something is and he’s just not open, maybe he doesn’t. I don’t know what it is. But if a four year quasi-separation hasn’t brought about salvation for this marriage, then it’s time to let it go. I do not want to live my life waiting to be a priority for my husband. My husband can’t live his life waiting for me to settle for what he can give.

I’m in no way ready to move on and find myself another guy. But I’m realizing that I’ve been without a guy for four years. The sporadic week here and there and occasional mediocre sex does not a relationship make or a marriage fix. It’s been this weird boyfriend/girlfriend, 14-21 year old type of make-up/break-up/makeup “thing”. Every time we start back up and break back up we start the healing clock again.

It’s time.

Why The B-Side of Life

December 25, 2017 / Suzette / 0 Comments

On the subject of self-discovery, what is it exactly that we’re looking for, when exactly does that “discovery” begin?

I’m 50. As I struggle through yet another failed marriage, I find myself pondering that question most quiet moments of my day. A portion of my college career required I read a bunch of philosophy and religion. My conclusion was, simply, that the big picture is to live a good life. I’m not pious, but I do make an effort to reflect on my life and be a good person. I pick apart the things I do, the experiences I have and I try to learn the whys and whats of the outcomes. Life has been busy. I married young, became a mother young, and divorced young – in that order. Rinse. Repeat – two more times. It wasn’t the failed marriages that kept me busy, it was single-parenting and aspiration.

My first marriage was a painful disaster from which I think I’ve yet to recover in some areas. After several years of abuse, I realized it was time to move on. At first, I had the complete support of his family, until they realized I was really moving on. That’s when yet another round began. I found myself in the midst of trying to break away from a husband that battered me, get back to my education, single parent my daughter and embroil myself in a custody battle I could not win. The custody battle, like most custody battles (hence “battle”) was dirty, ugly and mean-spirited. No one was winning, especially my daughter. In the end it was like the dueling mothers in the Judgement of Solomon. I was the one that refused to have my child split in half. Except, Solomon didn’t care. So, I walked away from it all, from her. She would be too young to remember all of the trauma and the warring and I’d figure out a way to make it work. I began to rebuild. I was 19.

I thought moving away, far away, would help. I’d be away from all of the people that harmed me, harmed my relationship with my daughter. I’d be away from the very family, my family, that betrayed me because of their own selfish desires, jealousy, and possibly hate. Starting fresh would only require that I pick up the little pieces of me and put them back together on my own terms in a safe space. After a year or so I’d find myself back where it all started, trying to pick up where I left off. I had cut ties with my entire family. All I would need to continue was husband number two and the two fruits which this marriage bore. And so began my new beginning. Or so I thought. I was 21.

At 21, our frontal lobe has yet to own the fact that things are just not as easy as we think they are. No, we can’t jump off of the roof of a house without getting hurt, and yes, there are obstacles that get in the way of things, whether we like it or not. Maybe it wasn’t so much my frontal lobe as it may have been my egocentrism. Although i didn’t feel “egocentric” perhaps I did not see how events did not just revolve around my wishes, hopes and desires. Reconnecting with my daughter would not be as easy as I would have liked. There were so many other factors that I didn’t consider at the time. I rushed into a new marriage without establishing something on which I could stand – the foundation was loose and soon this marriage too would falter. This time, however, the abuse would be of a mental nature. Who knew mental fucks were worse than physical ones. I’m not so foolish as to say that it was all “them” and not “me”. Consistently, I am told that I am stubborn, hard headed, immovable. Maybe I am. But I’ve grown to know that all one should to do is walk away from a situation that doesn’t fit – you can’t beat someone into submission because of your own insecurities. Divorce #2. I was 27. Aspiration kicked in.

Over the next few years I would put myself through college, have a relationship that didn’t involve physical or mental abuse, simply end in heartbreak, and try to leverage myself into a position of self-sufficiency – first for my children and ultimately for myself. Ah, many mis-steps later, a BA, an MA, and success. Or so I thought. I was 39.

2009 brought husband #3 into my life. We expected that enough of life had happened to both of us to make this marriage be an example of a strong marriage, one from which our children could grow and gain strength. However, 3.5 years later we would find that enough of life had happened to both of us to make this marriage end up in separation instead. And now, here I am. I am 50.

As I write this I realize that a lot has truly happened in my life. And no matter what’s in my head right now, or what happened in the past, I have accomplished things. I’ve been so busy doing, and “moving past”, that I’ve missed a lot. I have a long way to go before I can move forward.

Socrates is quoted in Plato’s Apology as having said that, “…the unexamined life is not worth living…” . So, it’s time for me to examine my life, and find strength in the B-Side of my life.

I invite you to ride along and maybe you can learn from the lessons I have learned and I can learn from yours.

Here’s to the B-Side of life.

The Ugly

Down To The Wire

Why The B-Side of Life

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