July_15_06

Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):

7-15-06

There are so many things running through my mind right now.  It’s late, but I’m not tired.  Emma, I hope by now you’ve found a way to work out your kinks – life is not perfect.  I keep trying to get you to accept that.  Today you were upset about being asked to help walk the dogs with Phia.  There truly was no reason for you to be upset, but you were.  You protested that you had already done it.  You spent all day at Mama Les, swimming and you can’t fint it in you to give a little more.  I was washing her dishes for approximately a half an hour – dishes I did not even dirty.  You did go, and it turned out that Xophia lost control of the dogs and needed your help afterall.  It is so much easier to do for others.  What you get back is joy.  Last night you pitched a fit because you did not wish to celebrate my new job at the Brazilian restaurant.  You were so mean – even snapped.  “Don’t touch me” when I attempted to caress your face.  Your words and your actions can cut through a heart.  I swallowed my pain and told Nancy you were not going to spoil the celebration – but you already had.  All of this because of your phobia over new things.  Only to find, in the end, that you find your comfort zone and eventually join in – which you did.  You joined in the eating and the laughter.  It was only then a complete evening.  Your angry words are nevertheless still in my chest, and the look on your face is vivid in my mind still.  Your fears, unwarranted, and your phobias take you to the darkest of places.  Do you not think that I get afraid.  It is simply that I cannot show it.  I must be strong for us.  I am all that we have.  I am the one responsible for getting you and your brother on your own adult feet.  It is such a tremendous responsibility – You have no idea right now.  Hopefully, by the time you read this all wounds have bee healed and you have more of an understanding for the magnitude and fragility of life.  You are such a great person, if you allow it.  Sacrifice is not a terrible thing, as long as it doesn’t hurt you.  You can go without an extra ten minutes of rest, or wash an extra plate, or walk the dog again, or come to me with dinner (come to dinner with me?)- it won’t hurt you.