Category: Self Reflection (Page 1 of 3)

When we look in the rear view mirror, what will we see?

Indiscriminate Harm

December 7, 2020 / Suzette / 0 Comments

2020. The Year to go down in history, at least for this generation. But it has been a year, for many. For me, it’s just another year. That’s not a bad thing. I have my routine, I do my things, I go about doing the work, doing the mom/grandma thing and then there comes my silence. The times when everything that moves me settles down and I find that I don’t have somewhere to be or someone to mind.

I am comfortable in my skin – well aware of who I am and where I am, both in time and in space. But sometimes, sometimes… Sometimes, I just have too much time to think and ponder the choices people make, the choices we all make, and how those choices unravel and bleed out into other people’s time and space. I wonder if we even know, or for that matter care, that we’re bleeding all over the place.

Just before Thanksgiving my car was trespassed by some pre-dawn wanderers. Being the faithful person that I am, I had left my wallet in it. I’m still reeling from that wreckage, but not so much due to any financial loss as much as from the emotional toll it unexpectedly took. Someone was trolling around at pre-dawn hours checking cars so that they can then proceed to trespass and strip the unsuspecting victim of whatever they so desired. Some things were expected, wallet, multi-tools. Others, those are the ones that hurt, because they are irreplaceable; my beat up, worn canvas saddle bag with cheap watercolors and sketching pencils, my glasses (which cost me way to much to begin with and don’t really work, but they cost way to much to begin with), a lipstick (for emergency dolling up) and who knows what else – because you don’t always remember what you keep strewn in your car when it’s mostly a transportation device. What does this have to do with bleeding? Everything. Something, someone did in the life of these individuals placed them on a trajectory from which they have not recovered, by choice or by not. They then lurk around, sucking from others for survival. But instead, they bleed. They leave behind a string of consequences from which, not they, but the victim must now recover. Do these people ever look back at their wake? Do they ever wonder the impact they have on those they harm indiscriminately? Or do they just move on never thinking twice about who’ve they’ve touched, whose life they have altered, affected, bled onto.

Maybe their Karma will simply be that – the indiscriminate harm they cause others will just rack up and suddenly come to pass. Or maybe they will skate right by and their Karma will be passed onto their off-spring and they just won’t understand why they have such “bad luck” or why life is so difficult despite their best efforts to live a “good one”. How does that work anyway? Maybe I’m still paying for the past sins of my progenitors. Lord knows they did harm. And it wasn’t always indiscriminate. Sometimes it was just to spite – the whole eye for an eye theory…

And then there is The Year-2020 and all that it bleeds upon. So many lives. Lives impacted, lives lost, lives impacted again. Yes. The indiscriminate harm of plagues, disease, and once again our choices. To whom do we listen? Are the politicians correct and if so, which ones? Covid-19 knows nothing of what it does. It exists about, impacting here, impacting there, impacting everywhere – it’s almost like a Dr. Seuss rhyme, “I will infect here or there, I will infect everywhere…” I know, I know…poetic license.

Everywhere I look it seems…then there were the fires.

It’s just one long chain sometimes.

So, do I dwell? Just long enough, I hope, to have constructive thoughts. Just long enough, I hope, to allow myself to reflect upon the things that I do, the impact I have. I am hopeful that I do not bleed on others and cause my own unbeknownst, indiscriminate harm. I am hopeful that I can contemplate just enough to keep my mind in a balanced and sane state, but not so much that I allow myself to be overtaken by other’s indiscriminate harm.

Sacrifice Is Not A Terrible Thing

September 14, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

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Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):

7-15-06

There are so many things running through my mind right now. It’s late, but I’m not tired. Emma, I hope by now you’ve found a way to work out your kinks – life is not perfect. I keep trying to get you to accept that. Today you were upset about being asked to help walk the dogs with Phia. There truly was no reason for you to be upset, but you were. You protested that you had already done it. You spent all day at Mama Les, swimming and you can’t fint it in you to give a little more. I was washing her dishes for approximately a half an hour – dishes I did not even dirty. You did go, and it turned out that Xophia lost control of the dogs and needed your help afterall. It is so much easier to do for others. What you get back is joy. Last night you pitched a fit because you did not wish to celebrate my new job at the Brazilian restaurant. You were so mean – even snapped. “Don’t touch me” when I attempted to caress your face. Your words and your actions can cut through a heart. I swallowed my pain and told Nancy you were not going to spoil the celebration – but you already had. All of this because of your phobia over new things. Only to find, in the end, that you find your comfort zone and eventually join in – which you did. You joined in the eating and the laughter. It was only then a complete evening. Your angry words are nevertheless still in my chest, and the look on your face is vivid in my mind still. Your fears, unwarranted, and your phobias take you to the darkest of places. Do you not think that I get afraid. It is simply that I cannot show it. I must be strong for us. I am all that we have. I am the one responsible for getting you and your brother on your own adult feet. It is such a tremendous responsibility – You have no idea right now. Hopefully, by the time you read this all wounds have bee healed and you have more of an understanding for the magnitude and fragility of life. You are such a great person, if you allow it. Sacrifice is not a terrible thing, as long as it doesn’t hurt you. You can go without an extra ten minutes of rest, or wash an extra plate, or walk the dog again, or come to me with dinner (come to dinner with me?)- it won’t hurt you.

Family is Practice for Real Life

September 5, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

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Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):

12/09/05

It is almost the close of another day, a Friday. I find myself frustrated and confused Em about what it is that you want and expect of me. One moment you’re in a good mood, happy, and we’re getting along great. And within minutes, or even seconds you mood has shifted and you’re angry or upset. I feel as if I can never win, and I simply cannot keep up with your pace. The truth of this all is that I feel as if I have failed as a mother – somehow, there is something I neglected to do. I don’t know how to help you. My fear for you is that you’ll be great in the outside world and unhappy in your heart. I have seen adults live their lives this way. Your father is like that. Everyone thinks he’s just great. But with intimacy, partnership, a human relationship – that is still missing. The worst part about it is that I’m disallowing your brother the space and opportunity to express how you are effecting him. I apologize for that Brandon. I don’t want you to be a man that is short, mean, and cruel with women, and I don’t want Emma to think that she deserves to be mistreated by men. But I think I need to begin to allow you, Brandon, to let her know directly when she is hurting the relationship. I do want you to be able to tell people, especially your partner, that harm is occurring in the relationship. I simply do not wish for your expressions to be angry or visceral – you will only bring embitterment to yourself. My worries for the two of you are joint and individual. As brother and sister and as human beings I don’t want or wish for you to struggle in your relationships with people as I have. I did not have the guidance of a mother, or a father and I’ve had to learn as I go. But, I do know what I wish for you, and it is nothing but an amazing, productive life. It seems Emma that we have a few amazing or positive moments a day, or perhaps every few days. I cannot imagine you having this level of a relationship with someone you choose as a mate or someone who chooses you. It does not feel pleasant to walk on egg shells around someone you’re “suppose” to love. I say suppose, because family love should just come naturally, it is built-in. It should not be earned, it does not need to grow through time, it simply is. Family is where you’re “suppose” to have love without conditions, without the need to earn it, or worry about losing it. Family is practice for real life, for strengthening that which we need to begin with someone else – to spread out, to share, to grow. When we’re ready, we find someone of our own with which to compart that which we’ve nurtured and made prosperous. Both of you have to help each other through this journey. That which one of you does not understand or finds difficulty accomplishing the other must assist. You will need each other, similar to how I need someone from my family – someone that know me and understands where I have been. I’ll never have that. You two are this very thing for each other. When you come to the place where you can see this to be true I want you both to be standing together, not apart. Together, to understand it, to feel it, and to appreciate that you are seeing it together.

As Always,

Your Mother

Following Through

August 10, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Jan_16_05

Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):

1/16/05

Emma, daddy brought you home early from his weekend with you. You apparently had some sort of temper tantrum over there, meriting an early return. You were not at all happy, and cried greatly. You did however manage to compose yourself as soon as he left, and decided to organize your room. I felt I had to finally figure out what goes on in my stomach every time you act up. I let you know I took myself to the doctor. I don’t know how any of this effects you, but I hope you get it soon.

Brandon, I know you became disappointed when I said no to lunch with the boys, but I have to be consistent. You have not completed your diving…yet… Until then, I must curtail your extra-curriculuar. You understand this, I know – but do nothing about it. This, I hope, will change.

Love, Mom.

Re-Boot

August 7, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Dec_29_04

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12/29/04

A tsunami off the coast of Sumatra sent waves crashing as far as Africa to the east and Malaysia to the west, across Sri Lanka and Indonesia, India, Thailand, Myanmar.

Estimates of 100,000 dead haunt the news. The images of the devastated people grip my heart as I think of my own. Emma, we are struggling. You are a strong willed child, and I find nothing wrong with that spirit. What I find destructive is your seeming selfishness and volatile behaviour as a result. I read the headlines and see the broken faces and wonder if you will ever get it.

Brandon, my fears for you are that life is so much more than you act it to be. You sit around too much. There is much that you want, but you don’t do anything to get it. E.G. have you finished SCUBA?…No! I give you too much space. I give both of you too many choices and too much room to make mistakes. I have mistaken that space for room to spread your wings. It has instead given you room to lose your balance – as you reach to hold the wall it is too far from your reach. I need to bring those walls back in. I need to keep you focused. I need to remind you I still call the shots. I will never take away your senses of individuality and freedom, but something is not right and I need to fix whatever that is.

For beginners:

Brandon, you will write a musical piece for the current events in Asia.

Emma, you will write the lyrics.

Love, Momma
12:39 a.m.

Brandon – You’re at Trevors
Emma – You’re w/dad.
I’m in bed thinking of you both.

My Struggle Should Not Be Your Struggle

August 6, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Dec_27_04

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12/27/04

Babies

I can not believe so much time has passed since I wrote in this book for you.

We are in a new place now, on the hill – 75 Monterey Rd. The place is very nice, a “find” really – and we’ve been here since August of this year.

Emma, we’ve done few of the things I wished we would do – and I can not justify why. You started Karate in October and it has gone well.

You both started at Renaissance and while neither of you are certain it is what you like, I feel deep in my heart that it is a good thing for you. You are being exposed to things that you otherwise would not see unless through me or much later in life.

I pray everyday for guidance. How I hope I am not failing you too poorly as a mother or in preparing you for life.

I know there is always more that can be done. And I need to find the strength to do it. I don’t want to see you suffer or struggle the way I have. I do not want to see you not progressing or growing, flourishing, taking advantage of life. I realize that much of what you will become depends on how I lead you. But remember this: What I have become depended on how you lead me.

We have had a good year.

Emma, you ebb and flow, try to find your stream.

Brandon, you ebb more than you flow – what drives you? Find it! and press on the accelerator.

Both of you need to find the pleasure and the mystery of life and put it to good use.

I’ll try to be a better example, but don’t always expect me to lead.

I can not get enough of you. Love Momma

We Keep Fighting This Fight

August 4, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

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5/6/03

Brandon –

We keep fighting this fight. I don’t know what you’re afraid of, I don’t know what motivates you, but you keep lying to me.

One lie only breeds more lies. One day you’ll find yourself in a place where you will look around and not recognize your surroundings. But you won’t want to confess so you’ll pretend you know where you are – but you won’t. It breaks me up to se eyou hurt yourself this way. It breaks me up to see you not think about how much pain I feel over your actions. I am at a loss. I don’t know what to do. Today it’s homework and girlfriends, tomorrow it’s your relationships and your family. Honesty is something so sacred. It is the only thing one can build on. It is the solid foundation of any long lasting structure. How can you have anything else, if you do not begin with what you know is real.

I do not recall if I ever told you the whole story of Hector, and our break-up. Suffice it to say that is was because of his dishonestly. I believe that relationship would have lasted were it not for that. Any problem can be weathered if there is honesty, Brandon. Yes, emotions will fly, but what else do you expect? Emotions won’t always fly, but you can not expect that things happen with consequences. Don’t ever do something you not take responsibility for. If you do, then ‘fess up to what you have done. Don’t learn to do something that will cost you your life.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I feel like I don’t know you. I hate that feeling.

Chicken Pox!

August 3, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

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3/31/98 10:00 pm

You got the chicken pox two days ago – 3/29 to be accurate. You did not go to your game 3/30 although your father made a guest appearance. I called him to tell him you were quite possibly sick with the pox and would not be playing. He just called, a day and a half after finding out you were sick, to see how you were doing. He said he would bring you some books tomorrow after work. In a way I was hoping he did not call, I was disappointed when he did. So I tell myself, “sure, at 10:00 at night after his shit is taken care of!” Justifying my feelings. I realize that is the extent of your fathers expression of love. I suppose it is love. How can it not be – you are his son. I am sure in his warped ill-sensed way he loves you. He can only display that love through “pieces” for show. I suppose you have with you the memories you create while with me and the objects you possess of him. You get us both, just differently. I do not believe I will ever like your father. Mostly because he does not do things the way I do. A large part however is because he lives in world (sic) so dysfunctional that it infects your world – at least right now he does. Perhaps someday he will change. I still wonder, where will he be for you? Emma has her own issues with him. Where will be be for her?

I am not the greatest
I am not the best
I do love you

Momma

The Ugly

August 2, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Feb_4_98

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2/4/98 8:31 p.m.

You must of said it all today. The past week and a half has been a difficult one. At first I thought it was your usual wind down time from having spent the weekend with your father. Then I thought it was the fact that I started to see Michael to close to the time from which your father told you he got married. But then again, he never told you, you just happen to hear people talk. As time went on and your behaviour worsened I began to inquire as to why, what was I missing, was there something I was not seeing or listening to. I spoke with Mrs. Steben today. During the conversation she said something which struck a familiar feeling. She said she has a girlfriend who has two children, and everytime the children come home it is a trial for her. The reason it is a trial is because visiting dad is all about fun. Living with mom its all about discipline, structure, school, homework, the boring real stuff. What a life to come home to. To play or to prepare to play.

After all that and a couple more tantrums on your part, a class on my part, dinner w/Michael and your attitude all through it I found out, at least you expressed some feelings. I do not know, I never do, whether you over heard or over hear my conversations. While I spoke with Michael about my day, about you I mentioned my theory, about your dad. On the way back Brandon was saying to me that I was not listening to him. He was perhaps correct, most likely he was – I was to[o] busy dealing with your attitude. I responded by saying that “all week long, for the past week and a half, since Emma came home from your dad’s she has had an attitude and has been difficult. You said it all, “THAT’S BECAUSE AT MY DAD’S I HAVE FUN! HE DOES FUN THINGS! AND YOUR (SIC) STUPID! YOU DO STUPID THINGS! YOU JUST DO WORK! WORK!, WORK!, YOU JUST DO YOUR HOMEWORK ALL THE TIME! AND YOU MAKE ME DO MY HOMEWORK! AND I DON’T LIKE YOU!!!!!!!!” I went on bantering to myself about how you were right and I did nothing, I listed out loud all the things I do just for myself. You crawled onto your bed. You just watched me. I had told you to go live with him and Barbara if life was so great. I asked what he did do – you said he was fun, he let you watch movies and took you places. Heaven forbid, I turned human. I proceeded to indicate to you how I saw it, how it was. “If you think everyday with your father is going to be a trip to Disneyland, or the whales, or the opera or the movie you are mistaken. Do you know why your father gets to do all the fun stuff, because he isn’t here for anything else. He is not here for teaching you right from wrong. He’s not here to help you grow. he’s not here. If you want to be with him and Barbara then make the choice and so be it.”

I washed the dishes, wiped down the ants, and here I am. And there you are, here you are, where will you go.

I Wonder

July 31, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Jan_5_98

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1/5/98 10:04

My darlings,

I hear you cough in the next room, rustle the blankets, look for sleep to fall onto your eyes. What do you think of as you lie in your beds waiting for sleep to come. Do you listen to my movements as I do yours. Do you wonder what I am doing as I write about you in the next room unbeknownst to you. Do you wonder why I do not let you stay up with me, as I struggle to make the most out of the hours that I find for myself at the end of the day. And even those are spent for you. Thinking about you, loving you, planning fro you, wanting only the best for you. I struggle with my self every single day. I try to be good, I wonder if I truly am, I try to be honest and fair, teach you right, wrong, okay, exceptions to the rules, absolutes, maybes.

Emma, this afternoon you spoke of going with daddy this weekend. I encouraged your thoughts, you feel like you should love him so. We wished he would stay home with you and not work. I said, “let’s cross our fingers.” You responded, “okay, tonight when I suck on my blankie I’ll have my thumb in my mouth and my other fingers crossed, like this.” As you displayed your planned pose for the evening. We ate dinner, you bathed, you played, and come time for you to finally fall asleep – after a talk and night-night songs – you crossed your fingers and began to suckly your thumb. I asked you why were we suppose to cross our fingers and you said, “for no scary thoughts and so daddy doesn’t work on Saturday.” My girl. My girly girl.

Brandon, you seem so strong on the outside sometimes. You too had a tough day. I have to nurture you in such a different way. You don’t express much emotion about your dad but I wonder, what is it that you don’t say. I worry about how to raise you. What to say to you, how strong to be with you, how soft, how gentle. I worry because you are such a sensitive boy and you hurt, but you are so good about holding on, keeping the faith. Do you shrug some things off like I do? Do you resist being harmed by something long term? How do you see things, how do you see me, your dad, what do you think of life, people? Does your relationship with your father do anything for you? If so, what, if not, why not?

I love you guys.

Good night

Mom 12:08