Category: Life (Page 3 of 7)

I Hope I Altered Your Path

August 16, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):

5/24/05

Well my children, it’s perhaps the first time that you have both shared being in trouble. And while it is for different reasons, you are both sharing the burden of knowing you’ve hurt me.

Emma, for you it is not the first time you fit or tantrum over something, but I usually accept your indirect and irresponsible apology that comes the following day in pretense that nothing is wrong.

Brandon, your error comes in the same form it usually comes, the telling of a lie. I pray for guidance. I have dedicated my life to you two since my separation from your father and I feel as if I have done all and gained no respect from your knowledge and understanding of my actions.

How do I change this? How do I continue from here? What more do you need? I hope and pray that too has a reason, and a positive outcome.

I always say that things occur because they should. I only wish the change that occurrences bring are positive ones.

I work soo hard. I know neither of you yet comprehends all that I do. Hopefully you will never feel my sorrow, pain, and disappointment. Learn from our paths. I know I am not leaving you much, but I have hopefully altered the path my ancestors laid into a richer one. I have hopefully injected your lives with possibilities. Take advantage of all the opportunities that come your way. And above all love, honor and respect yourself and one-another. May God and all the spiritual and universal beings continue to watch over you and guide you and protect you from harms way.

I Love You Both With All My Heart and Soul – Mom 5 ’05

To Live Long Enough

August 15, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Apr_20_05

Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):

4/20/05

Hi Babies;

I’ve been sick for the past few days, maybe a week and a few days now. It has been a while since I’ve been sick for such a period of time. I was ill on my birthday, but that only lasted a couple of days. Brandon, I think you’ve grown and matured as of late. You’ve been tucking me in as oppose to the other way around. I hate being sick and not being able to be strong for you both. it really struck me Brandon when you asked me to prepare a tortilla for you. Maybe I read too much into it, but it was almost as if you just wanted me to do something for you that a mother would do. Em, it seems like my mortality is the one thing that brings you around. You’ve tried being nicer. You have certainly had a change in how you approach your school work. You wrote your paper on your book all alone. Muy Proud! Now if I can only get you to feel as confident in all areas of your life. I’m better, but the thought of me aging can’t seem to find its way out of my mind. The truth is I am aging. I don’t take care of myself and I feel it. I’m 38 now, and although my intentions are good, time has gotten away from me.

I want to live long enough to make sure you two are strong and healthy and well on your way. I guess I’ll have to keep my many wishes to take better care of myself.

You two are my universe.

Love, Mom

Dear God!

August 14, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Apr_5_05

Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):

4/5/05

Dear God!

Give me strength.

This Feeling of Joy

August 13, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Feb_14_05

Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):

2/14/05 12:12

I’ve just finished entering my assignments into my calendar so as to take a bird’s eye view of all of my “stuff”. It’s going to be a long year. And I’ve no idea how I’m going to make it. I’m tired. I keep trying to think of ways to get more energy. I just can’t see any. I keep hoping that by doing all that I do the day will come when I won’t feel so tired.

I worry so much about leaving you guys without a chance to live. I worry about dying too young, before you’re ready to be without me. I want to “clear up” all my stuff before I let you go – or leave your world.

I don’t know how my soul would rest if I left you too soon.

I love you two soo much – You are my everything. Someday, you too will know this feeling of joy.

Don’t Half Swing – You’ll Never Get to Base

August 11, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Jan_25_05

Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):

1/25/05

Hey babies:

You’re both doing well. Em, you have truly made an effort at improving your attitude over the past few days. I hope you see how great your life can be given all of your positive attributes. You have sooo much to offer if you continue to perform at the level you’ve been performing. Your cooking is going well. We’ll see how the project ends/continues. I think I should also write your journal. Your karate is going great. You are advancing quite nicely. I hope you’re proud.

Bubba, diving has proven to be a real task. Unless I ride you, or take away privileges you just don’t motivate yourself to finish things. You need to be self-motivated Brandon. You need to do what needs doing and learn to follow through. Don’t “half swing” at life – you’ll never get to base.

I love you guys – Momma

Things Money Cannot Buy

August 9, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Jan_10_05

Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):

1/10/05

Today was a good day-

Emma, you joked about having a migraine and how it was a by-product of having been good. You said you studied, and worked hard, and paid attention and didn’t talk. Whew! that must have been hard for you. No wonder you got a migraine. You took your first full pill. Yeah! it was cut into four pieces no bigger than a peppercorn, each, and you still made a scene – but you swallowed them in less than 7 min. You’re doing well in Karate – Sensei strengthens you. He does not provide, merely brings out that which you already have.

Brandon, you seem in good spirits today. it is always good to see you smile and fell you light hearted and spirited. it brings me a sense of relief and happiness. You wrote a good letter to John, I’m proud of you. It is actually a little stronger than I expected. Maybe you won’t let people take advantage of you when you get older! 🙂

I only want the best for the two of you. That does not mean fancy cars and expensive things. It means the best life – and money cannot buy that.

I love you both sooooo much.

We will never be apart.

Love, Momma

At Your Age

August 8, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Jan_9_05

Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):

1/9/05

My It’s really 1/10/05, because it’s 1:22 in the morning. I decided to finally go to bed so I go make my rounds. Emma, I check to see that you are covered. Brandon, I walk upstairs to make sure you’re okay. I find you with the T.V. on and on the computer. Earlier I had to get on your case about not following through on the diving memos.

What am I suppose to do. I figure I let you slide on too much just because I am usually taken up w/Emma’s NEEDS. I warned you that if you’re not handling your stuff you’re not to ask me about the guys.

Every time I reprimand one of you my stomach turns. I ask God for help and guidance. I look for strength in every crevice. You both need structure and clear expectations. I thought I was giving you both those things, but I realize you both have too much. You want, I give. I’ll need to set some time aside tomorrow/today to list what is expected. If you both continue to not “get it” you’ll get a real feel of what it was like for me as a child.

You have more than I could ever dream of having at your age. Brandon, by your age I was married and making a home for myself and my husband. Emma, I was barely getting my own room at yours.

I need to set some limits. I need to pull back. I need to provide the learning I feel you both lack – You need to learn discipline in all aspects of your life.

Love – Momma

Re-Boot

August 7, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Dec_29_04

Typed Text From Journal Page:

12/29/04

A tsunami off the coast of Sumatra sent waves crashing as far as Africa to the east and Malaysia to the west, across Sri Lanka and Indonesia, India, Thailand, Myanmar.

Estimates of 100,000 dead haunt the news. The images of the devastated people grip my heart as I think of my own. Emma, we are struggling. You are a strong willed child, and I find nothing wrong with that spirit. What I find destructive is your seeming selfishness and volatile behaviour as a result. I read the headlines and see the broken faces and wonder if you will ever get it.

Brandon, my fears for you are that life is so much more than you act it to be. You sit around too much. There is much that you want, but you don’t do anything to get it. E.G. have you finished SCUBA?…No! I give you too much space. I give both of you too many choices and too much room to make mistakes. I have mistaken that space for room to spread your wings. It has instead given you room to lose your balance – as you reach to hold the wall it is too far from your reach. I need to bring those walls back in. I need to keep you focused. I need to remind you I still call the shots. I will never take away your senses of individuality and freedom, but something is not right and I need to fix whatever that is.

For beginners:

Brandon, you will write a musical piece for the current events in Asia.

Emma, you will write the lyrics.

Love, Momma
12:39 a.m.

Brandon – You’re at Trevors
Emma – You’re w/dad.
I’m in bed thinking of you both.

My Struggle Should Not Be Your Struggle

August 6, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Dec_27_04

Typed Text From Journal Page:

12/27/04

Babies

I can not believe so much time has passed since I wrote in this book for you.

We are in a new place now, on the hill – 75 Monterey Rd. The place is very nice, a “find” really – and we’ve been here since August of this year.

Emma, we’ve done few of the things I wished we would do – and I can not justify why. You started Karate in October and it has gone well.

You both started at Renaissance and while neither of you are certain it is what you like, I feel deep in my heart that it is a good thing for you. You are being exposed to things that you otherwise would not see unless through me or much later in life.

I pray everyday for guidance. How I hope I am not failing you too poorly as a mother or in preparing you for life.

I know there is always more that can be done. And I need to find the strength to do it. I don’t want to see you suffer or struggle the way I have. I do not want to see you not progressing or growing, flourishing, taking advantage of life. I realize that much of what you will become depends on how I lead you. But remember this: What I have become depended on how you lead me.

We have had a good year.

Emma, you ebb and flow, try to find your stream.

Brandon, you ebb more than you flow – what drives you? Find it! and press on the accelerator.

Both of you need to find the pleasure and the mystery of life and put it to good use.

I’ll try to be a better example, but don’t always expect me to lead.

I can not get enough of you. Love Momma

We Can’t Save Our Fathers

August 5, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Jan_4_04

Typed Text From Journal Page:

1/4/04

A new year begins – and I look forward to opportunity and chance. The opportunities offered by my gains and the chance to live a better life. As i sit here there are a thousand thoughts running through my head. Emma, you’re in your room, I’ve just tucked you in, and your crying silently over your dad. No one can save him from himself. He is a man who refuses to take responsibility for himself and his actions, his choices, his mistakes. A habit you have unconsciously developed. You are too busy in your emotions trying to save him and you can’t sweaty. I tried saving my dad. I tried for too long. It does not hurt anymore, but I wish he were in my life. I am looking forward to working with you on on your feelings this year. There are a few new things I want to try. Maybe if we work on your writing at night, reading together, learning how to make projects, you can find a way to channel your emotions in a productive and self-satisfying manner. I know it is hard. But you are strong – you are not too young. I was trying to save grandpa at your age, maybe even younger. I can tell you countless adventures, but what good would that do?

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