Category: kids (Page 2 of 5)

June_28_06

Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):

06-28-06

My loves of my life:

A lot has transpired over the past months.  So much that my energies were insufficient and my desire to communicate much of the events was non-existent.  My relationship with Andrew has come to a close.  You have both been privy to glimpses of what people can become in moments of emotional distress.  It was just a couple of nights ago that Andrew dared come by the house unwelcome and uninvited.  I felt such rage as I felt him invading and endangering our space – your space.  I especially was protective of you Emma.  You are going through such a rough time with your father.  But, you are growing so much as a result.  I know how painful it can all be sweety.  I know how much you love daddy.  You need to know that what has happened and will happen is not your fault or responsibility.  You father has always been a martyr.  he was when I met him, and he is to this day.  Perhaps in the years to come he might find light in the love he may have for you.  You both have definitely been my light, my strength, my courage, my love, my life.  Without the two of you I am nothing.  Brandon, you are getting ready to go to the Anime Expo – I don’t now why, but my heart aches, and tears flow forth at the thought of you being gone.  I don’t know if it is the reality that you are growing up, or fear that something might happen to you, or a premonition – I hope I am wrong.  I pray for both of you everyday, every night, when I wake up in the middle of the early morning, at all hours of the day.  I pray God always watch over you and continue to strengthen my spirit and breathe me life.  I am almost done with school – my MA in administration.  I’ll be taking my comps in the Fall, and then I’ll be done.  In the meantime I await the decision of the College Ready Charter School folks.  We’ll see if I get the AP position for which I interviewed.  There is much that I need to do for myself – for you guys.  I often become overwhelmed and find sleep a great escape.  I have neglected writing with all that has consumed me.  Andrew really did deprive me of energy – so needy was he.  I am still at the stage where he does not wish to let go, pouting and tantrums about ending this.  So much so that I have forbidden him to come around or contact me in any way.  I was so enraged the other night I could have hurt him had he insisted on not leaving.  I have not felt that type of rage in such a long, long time.  I felt, I suppose as a lioness would feel protecting my cubs.  You two are my universe and everything around and inside of it.  I love you both so, so, so very much.  In fact, Gig and you, Emma, went out and bought Walters’ red shoes.  I wrapped them and somehow it was decided that I would drop them off.  But I cannot.  I cannot for so many reasons – It is mean, sneaky, negative and my karma may be effected.  Plus, it would be a form of deception, which is a lie and I cannot lie.  So, I am going to let the girls down.  I cannot help it.  I love you two so incredibly much.  I would not dare taint your karma with mine.  I so hope that you are both as close as you can maximum be – as close to each others hearts as you are to mine.  Brandon, don’t forget you are a role model to your sister in the area of a male and how a male should be.  And Emma, you keep looking at the successes and promises of gain, not at your losses.  Keep your eye on the glass half full, not the one that is half empty.  And let go of the baggage.  Brandon, don’t be lazy.

I love you,

Mom