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You are at the Phantom with your father and Barbara. I was Christmas a few days back. and what a wonderful Christmas it was. I keep telling myself and others that I have restored my children’s faith in Santa Clause. And then I think about it and wonder whether you continue to be kind to me and are willing to let me believe you now believe in Santa Claus[e]. You see on Christmas Eve you were home, it was your turn with me for Christmas Eve. I was at first upset with your father but as usual found a way to not live my moment disturbed. I must do something to make your Christmas wonderful here as much as I would be with your father early the next day. I devised a plan. I arranged with George to have dinner with all of us together. I spoke with your uncle Cesar and explained the present layout. I put post-it notes on everything, where it should go, how, in what order. He agreed to come and set everything up while we were having dinner. And then, the big moment. Santa came and was jollying up a storm. He rang bells, he ho! ho! ho’d! loud and merry and you Brandon were so excited. You jumped up on George’s couch and said “Oh my God, he’s here, he came, Santa’s here” Emma my darling you were scared. You climbed on the chair and held your blanket an your thumb close to your mouth and said, “Mommy, I’m scared.” I picked you up and held you and asked you why, said it was just Santa. You said you were scared and Brandon you came to me and held my hand. I told you all we’d better go home and see what was going on and Emma you held onto me so tight. Eager to see, but scared. We walked outside and we could still here Santa shouting Merry Christmas. We looked at the apt. door and the bells were on the floor and the door was open and there were presents everywhere. “Wow” you said, “Santa came!” As we sat on the floor opening presents, unwrapping gifts you kept repeating, he came, he really came. You both went to your stockings and were sad that there was nothing in mine. But I said, “Oh look he left me my present over here, it was too big for the stocking.” You were both so relieved. As you sat back down and continued to open a present you said “Wow, he really came, and all these years I thought it was you.” I was floored, shocked, I laughed. I asked you if all this time you thought it was me, how come you never said anything. You looked at each other and then at me and replied, “because we thought you enjoyed doing it.” I could not believe you. I laughed so deep inside. I laugh deeper every time I remember that moment.
Shortly after Lavinda Kennedy walked in. She was in heaven to see the joy in your faces. She smiled all the way inside her heart. Just then Brandon, you get up and say to me, “Hey mom. Now we share an experience. Remember.” I was not sure of what you were saying. You said, remember, when you were a little girl and you saw glitter, (sprinkles) remember, and now me, I heard him. We share an experience.” I remembered. I remembered so fondly, so warmly, so purely, how could I not. My mama, you were just so happy Santa brought you your Barbie mustang, Barbie dolls, so much glitter in your eyes. You gave me the best hugs. After all the excitement it was time for you to enjoy Christmas at dads, and so soon you left. Emmy, you became sad, I asked if you wanted to take a toy. You quietly, shyly came to the car and the Barbie and meekly pointed to it. I want to put you inside of me sometimes and protect you from the pain that haunts you. Take away your fears. Help you build your self esteem to heights of love and wisdom and cherished compassion that no one will ever take away or hinder. I want to hold you in my arms during those times you feel afraid and tear out from within all that makes you feel that way. You are my mama.
Lord, how I love you both.
My life would come to an end without you. I would just vanish from within, seize to exist. My love, my heart, my essence is nothing without you. I would never allow myself to hurt you. I would hurt anyone who ever harmed you in anyway.
In every heart there is a seed from this seed grows a life powerful, strong, vibrant. The nurturing it enjoys is vital. Without it it would dry up and seize to grow. To[o] much of it, and the same will occur.
I Love You Both
Eternally
Mom
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