Category: Family (Page 2 of 4)

My Life Is Your Kharma

September 10, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):

06-28-06

My loves of my life:

A lot has transpired over the past months. So much that my energies were insufficient and my desire to communicate much of the events was non-existent. My relationship with Andrew has come to a close. You have both been privy to glimpses of what people can become in moments of emotional distress. It was just a couple of nights ago that Andrew dared come by the house unwelcome and uninvited. I felt such rage as I felt him invading and endangering our space – your space. I especially was protective of you Emma. You are going through such a rough time with your father. But, you are growing so much as a result. I know how painful it can all be sweety. I know how much you love daddy. You need to know that what has happened and will happen is not your fault or responsibility. You father has always been a martyr. he was when I met him, and he is to this day. Perhaps in the years to come he might find light in the love he may have for you. You both have definitely been my light, my strength, my courage, my love, my life. Without the two of you I am nothing. Brandon, you are getting ready to go to the Anime Expo – I don’t now why, but my heart aches, and tears flow forth at the thought of you being gone. I don’t know if it is the reality that you are growing up, or fear that something might happen to you, or a premonition – I hope I am wrong. I pray for both of you everyday, every night, when I wake up in the middle of the early morning, at all hours of the day. I pray God always watch over you and continue to strengthen my spirit and breathe me life. I am almost done with school – my MA in administration. I’ll be taking my comps in the Fall, and then I’ll be done. In the meantime I await the decision of the College Ready Charter School folks. We’ll see if I get the AP position for which I interviewed. There is much that I need to do for myself – for you guys. I often become overwhelmed and find sleep a great escape. I have neglected writing with all that has consumed me. Andrew really did deprive me of energy – so needy was he. I am still at the stage where he does not wish to let go, pouting and tantrums about ending this. So much so that I have forbidden him to come around or contact me in any way. I was so enraged the other night I could have hurt him had he insisted on not leaving. I have not felt that type of rage in such a long, long time. I felt, I suppose as a lioness would feel protecting my cubs. You two are my universe and everything around and inside of it. I love you both so, so, so very much. In fact, Gig and you, Emma, went out and bought Walters’ red shoes. I wrapped them and somehow it was decided that I would drop them off. But I cannot. I cannot for so many reasons – It is mean, sneaky, negative and my karma may be effected. Plus, it would be a form of deception, which is a lie and I cannot lie. So, I am going to let the girls down. I cannot help it. I love you two so incredibly much. I would not dare taint your karma with mine. I so hope that you are both as close as you can maximum be – as close to each others hearts as you are to mine. Brandon, don’t forget you are a role model to your sister in the area of a male and how a male should be. And Emma, you keep looking at the successes and promises of gain, not at your losses. Keep your eye on the glass half full, not the one that is half empty. And let go of the baggage. Brandon, don’t be lazy.

I love you,

Mom

Any Good

September 6, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

January_8_06

Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):

1/8/06

Every day I ask God to watch over you. I ask him to watch over me. I thank him for doing so thus far and pray for strength – continued strength. Life has been a challenge, but it has been good to us. We are in a good place. I worry that I will not be able to keep it up. I worry that I will “drop the ball” and fail you as a mother and as your protector. If I ever do, please always remember that I love you and you have always been my main focus, priority, concern. You two are my world, you are the reason I am any good. Without your guidance and your love I would be lost.

You are my world,

Mom

Family is Practice for Real Life

September 5, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

December_9_05

Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):

12/09/05

It is almost the close of another day, a Friday. I find myself frustrated and confused Em about what it is that you want and expect of me. One moment you’re in a good mood, happy, and we’re getting along great. And within minutes, or even seconds you mood has shifted and you’re angry or upset. I feel as if I can never win, and I simply cannot keep up with your pace. The truth of this all is that I feel as if I have failed as a mother – somehow, there is something I neglected to do. I don’t know how to help you. My fear for you is that you’ll be great in the outside world and unhappy in your heart. I have seen adults live their lives this way. Your father is like that. Everyone thinks he’s just great. But with intimacy, partnership, a human relationship – that is still missing. The worst part about it is that I’m disallowing your brother the space and opportunity to express how you are effecting him. I apologize for that Brandon. I don’t want you to be a man that is short, mean, and cruel with women, and I don’t want Emma to think that she deserves to be mistreated by men. But I think I need to begin to allow you, Brandon, to let her know directly when she is hurting the relationship. I do want you to be able to tell people, especially your partner, that harm is occurring in the relationship. I simply do not wish for your expressions to be angry or visceral – you will only bring embitterment to yourself. My worries for the two of you are joint and individual. As brother and sister and as human beings I don’t want or wish for you to struggle in your relationships with people as I have. I did not have the guidance of a mother, or a father and I’ve had to learn as I go. But, I do know what I wish for you, and it is nothing but an amazing, productive life. It seems Emma that we have a few amazing or positive moments a day, or perhaps every few days. I cannot imagine you having this level of a relationship with someone you choose as a mate or someone who chooses you. It does not feel pleasant to walk on egg shells around someone you’re “suppose” to love. I say suppose, because family love should just come naturally, it is built-in. It should not be earned, it does not need to grow through time, it simply is. Family is where you’re “suppose” to have love without conditions, without the need to earn it, or worry about losing it. Family is practice for real life, for strengthening that which we need to begin with someone else – to spread out, to share, to grow. When we’re ready, we find someone of our own with which to compart that which we’ve nurtured and made prosperous. Both of you have to help each other through this journey. That which one of you does not understand or finds difficulty accomplishing the other must assist. You will need each other, similar to how I need someone from my family – someone that know me and understands where I have been. I’ll never have that. You two are this very thing for each other. When you come to the place where you can see this to be true I want you both to be standing together, not apart. Together, to understand it, to feel it, and to appreciate that you are seeing it together.

As Always,

Your Mother

My Greatest Fear

August 31, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

August_18_05

Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):

8-18-05

My greatest fear;

Dying before you two are ready for me to die. If it weren’t for the two of you God knows what my life would be today. I live for the two of you.

My greatest fear;

Anything happening to either one of you. I would die, my world would end, my heart would break, I would be nothing. I pray that God and all the powers that be protect you from harm. Everyday I ask for this as often as I can.

My greatest fear;

Not preparing you for life. Everyday is a learning day. Make it so.

Love Mom

We’re Okay

August 28, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

August_16_05

Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):

8-16-05

I look at my parents and I am filled with mixed emotions about what is an acceptable explanation about why their children are out of control, and what is not. Then I wonder, who am I to judge? I try to understand certain situations. And then I hear the explanation and I wonder which part is reason and which part is excuse. The truth is that many of these parents look to us for answers. Many of them look to us to solve their problems. Many look to us to take their problems away. The reason I am telling you two this is because I wonder what I did that made things turn out okay for us. Despite our challenges, despite the banter between us, we’ve done well. None of you are on drugs (I hope), none of you beat people up, none of you are truant, none of you have run away from home. We’ve had our moments, mostly you Emma and I, Brandon occasionally , but all-in-all we’re okay. I hope we continue to improve – I know we will. You two have always driven me – you and the moments when I would become angry about our situation or some unfair or unkind thing your father would do. I would push harder, faster, become stronger. Some people ask me how I do it, or did it. The truth is looking back I do not know, I do not remember. All I know is that I knew what needed to be done and I focused. I did it. And I did it without compromising my values and my dignity. I know who I am, and I am constantly working at being a better person. I try to reflect on my experiences, my thoughts, my actions, my words as I speak them, and I ask for guidance. Mostly what I wish to stress is focus and drive. Stay positive, strong, and good and think about what you’re doing and why.

I Love you guys, Mom!

We Are Not Super-Human, We Are Just Human

August 26, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

July_19_05

Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):

7/19/05

Em, you’re with dad for the summer. I hope your vacation is going well and as expected. I know how possessive you can be of your father and how that can feel. I use to always fantasize that if I could just take grandpa away from all the people that make him drink and be careless I could rescue him. I thought that all he needed was to get away. Obviously, that is not how things actually work, and therefore that is not how they worked. I eventually grew up and realized I was not responsible for raising my father. I believe I shared that sentiment with your brother when he was struggling at the age of five with what to do about daddy. I worry that you will grow up with a complex about yourself or your dad and simply have horrible relationships in the future. I know I cannot control your life or the decisions you choose to make. Nevertheless, I can warn you of danger signs. Don’t take responsibility for how others feel, and don’t worry about what people think. You are: beautiful, smart, bright, precocious, you have a great sense of humour, you have presence, you are strong and are an amazing human being. Now, you just need to believe it. The list can go on, I’m sure. I hope by the time you read this you have already figured out all of these things. Just in case, I wrote them down.

Brandon, you said something very interesting to me today. Just a reminder, we cleaned the inside of the car today because it had flies growing out of nowhere. I was making a big deal out of it, because flies are maggots with wings. A sign of rotting carnage, Uggh! I went on about it that you said ~”nothing ever” bothers me, or phases me, or disturbs me and you were surprised to see me go on about the flies. I explained of course that where there are flies, there is something dead. Nevertheless, it surprised me to see that you felt I am so composed about events and life, that was eye opening. Also, you won the query of whether it was Burbank to the left upper corner frame outside my window. This to impressed you and actually made you gloat. Your comment was you usually can never win against me. How large you see me. I’ll have to work on that. I hope by this time I have sorted or balanced some of your views. I am human. I’ve struggled for all of us to be where we are today and tomorrow.

I hope along the way I taught you two how to make it.

Always, always, always, stay together, be together, work through things together. I love you and I always worry about you.

Love Mom

Dear God!

August 14, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Apr_5_05

Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):

4/5/05

Dear God!

Give me strength.

The Ugly

August 2, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Feb_4_98

Typed Text From Journal Page:

2/4/98 8:31 p.m.

You must of said it all today. The past week and a half has been a difficult one. At first I thought it was your usual wind down time from having spent the weekend with your father. Then I thought it was the fact that I started to see Michael to close to the time from which your father told you he got married. But then again, he never told you, you just happen to hear people talk. As time went on and your behaviour worsened I began to inquire as to why, what was I missing, was there something I was not seeing or listening to. I spoke with Mrs. Steben today. During the conversation she said something which struck a familiar feeling. She said she has a girlfriend who has two children, and everytime the children come home it is a trial for her. The reason it is a trial is because visiting dad is all about fun. Living with mom its all about discipline, structure, school, homework, the boring real stuff. What a life to come home to. To play or to prepare to play.

After all that and a couple more tantrums on your part, a class on my part, dinner w/Michael and your attitude all through it I found out, at least you expressed some feelings. I do not know, I never do, whether you over heard or over hear my conversations. While I spoke with Michael about my day, about you I mentioned my theory, about your dad. On the way back Brandon was saying to me that I was not listening to him. He was perhaps correct, most likely he was – I was to[o] busy dealing with your attitude. I responded by saying that “all week long, for the past week and a half, since Emma came home from your dad’s she has had an attitude and has been difficult. You said it all, “THAT’S BECAUSE AT MY DAD’S I HAVE FUN! HE DOES FUN THINGS! AND YOUR (SIC) STUPID! YOU DO STUPID THINGS! YOU JUST DO WORK! WORK!, WORK!, YOU JUST DO YOUR HOMEWORK ALL THE TIME! AND YOU MAKE ME DO MY HOMEWORK! AND I DON’T LIKE YOU!!!!!!!!” I went on bantering to myself about how you were right and I did nothing, I listed out loud all the things I do just for myself. You crawled onto your bed. You just watched me. I had told you to go live with him and Barbara if life was so great. I asked what he did do – you said he was fun, he let you watch movies and took you places. Heaven forbid, I turned human. I proceeded to indicate to you how I saw it, how it was. “If you think everyday with your father is going to be a trip to Disneyland, or the whales, or the opera or the movie you are mistaken. Do you know why your father gets to do all the fun stuff, because he isn’t here for anything else. He is not here for teaching you right from wrong. He’s not here to help you grow. he’s not here. If you want to be with him and Barbara then make the choice and so be it.”

I washed the dishes, wiped down the ants, and here I am. And there you are, here you are, where will you go.

I Wonder

July 31, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Jan_5_98

Typed Text From Journal Page:

1/5/98 10:04

My darlings,

I hear you cough in the next room, rustle the blankets, look for sleep to fall onto your eyes. What do you think of as you lie in your beds waiting for sleep to come. Do you listen to my movements as I do yours. Do you wonder what I am doing as I write about you in the next room unbeknownst to you. Do you wonder why I do not let you stay up with me, as I struggle to make the most out of the hours that I find for myself at the end of the day. And even those are spent for you. Thinking about you, loving you, planning fro you, wanting only the best for you. I struggle with my self every single day. I try to be good, I wonder if I truly am, I try to be honest and fair, teach you right, wrong, okay, exceptions to the rules, absolutes, maybes.

Emma, this afternoon you spoke of going with daddy this weekend. I encouraged your thoughts, you feel like you should love him so. We wished he would stay home with you and not work. I said, “let’s cross our fingers.” You responded, “okay, tonight when I suck on my blankie I’ll have my thumb in my mouth and my other fingers crossed, like this.” As you displayed your planned pose for the evening. We ate dinner, you bathed, you played, and come time for you to finally fall asleep – after a talk and night-night songs – you crossed your fingers and began to suckly your thumb. I asked you why were we suppose to cross our fingers and you said, “for no scary thoughts and so daddy doesn’t work on Saturday.” My girl. My girly girl.

Brandon, you seem so strong on the outside sometimes. You too had a tough day. I have to nurture you in such a different way. You don’t express much emotion about your dad but I wonder, what is it that you don’t say. I worry about how to raise you. What to say to you, how strong to be with you, how soft, how gentle. I worry because you are such a sensitive boy and you hurt, but you are so good about holding on, keeping the faith. Do you shrug some things off like I do? Do you resist being harmed by something long term? How do you see things, how do you see me, your dad, what do you think of life, people? Does your relationship with your father do anything for you? If so, what, if not, why not?

I love you guys.

Good night

Mom 12:08

Veiny Little Lies

July 30, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Jan_1_98

Typed Text From Journal Page:

1/1/98 1:24 a.m.

Hey Babes,

I just got in a few minutes ago. I dropped you off at daddy’s for one more day of vacation (Christmas). We were visiting grandma and the family this evening. You are probably most likely aware that there is a problem between your father, Barbara, the Nishinakas and myself. Unfortunately you are too young to understand the complicated, silly, uncaring details of why these problems exist. The bottom line is that once there was a lie that was told. It was a tiny little silly insignificant lie but nonetheless it was a lie. Well, in order to not look bad, in order to not swallow someone’s pride, another lie was told to cover the little lie. Pretty soon there were a whole lotta lies being told and so today your father is in a very difficult, up-the-creek, wretched smelling situation with the family. He, for some reason, tries to convince the world that the world is against him. He tries to convince complete strangers that his family, his friends, his co-workers, everyone is out to do him harm. The sad part about the whole thing is that the only person who continues to hurt him is he himself. Why, no one in the family can figure it out. No one knows why. But now the damage outstretches to you both. His concoctions and notions are stretching their veiny little branches out in your direction. And I refuse to let him reach you with his dilusion.

Emma, you in particular are being hurt by your dad and for some reason you do not want to acknowledge that he is where much of your pain stems from. You need to begin by being honest with yourself. Secondly, you need to ascertain the truth from reliable sources. You need to remove all doubts from your mind about anything. Never be afraid to ask for the truth. I will always give you that.

Brandon, you appear to be holding up well against all of this. You are, on the exterior, so resilient. I truly hope, pray, that you are okay. I wish with all of my strength that you are able to work through your dilem[m]as and/or be able to find the strength to ask for help when you need it.

Darlings, I can not [sic] give you all of the answers. I wish I could just put everything right in front of you and let it sink inside, melt all around you and never leave you. But I can not [sic]. I can only give you what I can, I try for it to be as much as I can carry at a time. I bring a load here and there and try as I might. I had a late start, but I don’t plan on stopping or slowing down so we should be okay on resources for living a good life. You both are the future of the multiple generations of Nishinakas. The line must be carried on, and you must do it sound of mind and heart. Full of peace and love, truth and righteousness. No less than that. You ow it to your grandma. You must show her that her strength continues in you.

Respectfully, Mom (<3OX)

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