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The Ugly

August 2, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

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2/4/98 8:31 p.m.

You must of said it all today. The past week and a half has been a difficult one. At first I thought it was your usual wind down time from having spent the weekend with your father. Then I thought it was the fact that I started to see Michael to close to the time from which your father told you he got married. But then again, he never told you, you just happen to hear people talk. As time went on and your behaviour worsened I began to inquire as to why, what was I missing, was there something I was not seeing or listening to. I spoke with Mrs. Steben today. During the conversation she said something which struck a familiar feeling. She said she has a girlfriend who has two children, and everytime the children come home it is a trial for her. The reason it is a trial is because visiting dad is all about fun. Living with mom its all about discipline, structure, school, homework, the boring real stuff. What a life to come home to. To play or to prepare to play.

After all that and a couple more tantrums on your part, a class on my part, dinner w/Michael and your attitude all through it I found out, at least you expressed some feelings. I do not know, I never do, whether you over heard or over hear my conversations. While I spoke with Michael about my day, about you I mentioned my theory, about your dad. On the way back Brandon was saying to me that I was not listening to him. He was perhaps correct, most likely he was – I was to[o] busy dealing with your attitude. I responded by saying that “all week long, for the past week and a half, since Emma came home from your dad’s she has had an attitude and has been difficult. You said it all, “THAT’S BECAUSE AT MY DAD’S I HAVE FUN! HE DOES FUN THINGS! AND YOUR (SIC) STUPID! YOU DO STUPID THINGS! YOU JUST DO WORK! WORK!, WORK!, YOU JUST DO YOUR HOMEWORK ALL THE TIME! AND YOU MAKE ME DO MY HOMEWORK! AND I DON’T LIKE YOU!!!!!!!!” I went on bantering to myself about how you were right and I did nothing, I listed out loud all the things I do just for myself. You crawled onto your bed. You just watched me. I had told you to go live with him and Barbara if life was so great. I asked what he did do – you said he was fun, he let you watch movies and took you places. Heaven forbid, I turned human. I proceeded to indicate to you how I saw it, how it was. “If you think everyday with your father is going to be a trip to Disneyland, or the whales, or the opera or the movie you are mistaken. Do you know why your father gets to do all the fun stuff, because he isn’t here for anything else. He is not here for teaching you right from wrong. He’s not here to help you grow. he’s not here. If you want to be with him and Barbara then make the choice and so be it.”

I washed the dishes, wiped down the ants, and here I am. And there you are, here you are, where will you go.

One Moment at a Time

August 1, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Jan_10_98

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1/10/98 12:30 p.

My darling children,

Aside from this book serving as a monologue to you I shall, at this moment, put down some thoughts of myself to you. I find myself at a beginning once again in my life. I am about to begin my last semester as an undergraduate student. Many things are about to change for me and for all of us. In some ways I am scared. What will happen, what will I be able to do, what will I do? I have so many wonders about school and the next step in our lives. May is just around the corner in my lifetime, September is not that far away either. In the process I have exams to take classes to pass and you to love and care for. All of this often times makes me wonder whether I will be able to pull off what I started.

I wonder whether I will be able to finish this task and begin the next. I find myself saying, “take it a moment at a time.” A moment at a time. Once in my life I would rush through everything, want it all done at once, now, that moment – instance. Now I realize the only way I will survive my trials is by handling them a moment at a time. I sometimes have things come my way which I tire from and wish I would not have (ie your father and his ways is one of these things). Nevertheless, I must find a way to get through all that comes my way. You are my reasons for pushing on, I can not fail you. I am whom you love at this time and who you look to for love and guidance. I am scared. Am I doing things right, what am I doing wrong?

Another preoccupation of mine is my personal life. I get lonely but I can not find, or see myself with anyone. I have so many needs and at the same time I have none. I do not see any man being able to understand that about me, at least not at this moment. There certainly are no visible candidates. Our needs as a unit are so many, my needs as an individual I do not yet understand. I do not even know where to begin to understand. Where to look inside for questions to answer. I do not even know what questions to ask. I get lonely and there is no one around. If there is someone to fill that single moment they quickly want to fill my life with them. I get tires, I am tired of being “the one” for people and not having “the one” for me. I look around and feel sad inside, longing to be held by someone whose arms wrap around me just the right way, whose breast is just the perfect height for me to lay my head, whose eyes I always meet at the perfect time, someone who will kiss me every morning and every night and mean it, someone who does not need to ask what is wrong when something is and will simply say I love you and make me feel safe and warm inside. I often sit and wonder about what all this will become. I wonder.

Love as much as you can
expect no less in return
don’t let the moment go untouched
And take it a moment at a time

Love
your mother,
friend, and
confid[a]nt

1:03 p.m.

I Wonder

July 31, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Jan_5_98

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1/5/98 10:04

My darlings,

I hear you cough in the next room, rustle the blankets, look for sleep to fall onto your eyes. What do you think of as you lie in your beds waiting for sleep to come. Do you listen to my movements as I do yours. Do you wonder what I am doing as I write about you in the next room unbeknownst to you. Do you wonder why I do not let you stay up with me, as I struggle to make the most out of the hours that I find for myself at the end of the day. And even those are spent for you. Thinking about you, loving you, planning fro you, wanting only the best for you. I struggle with my self every single day. I try to be good, I wonder if I truly am, I try to be honest and fair, teach you right, wrong, okay, exceptions to the rules, absolutes, maybes.

Emma, this afternoon you spoke of going with daddy this weekend. I encouraged your thoughts, you feel like you should love him so. We wished he would stay home with you and not work. I said, “let’s cross our fingers.” You responded, “okay, tonight when I suck on my blankie I’ll have my thumb in my mouth and my other fingers crossed, like this.” As you displayed your planned pose for the evening. We ate dinner, you bathed, you played, and come time for you to finally fall asleep – after a talk and night-night songs – you crossed your fingers and began to suckly your thumb. I asked you why were we suppose to cross our fingers and you said, “for no scary thoughts and so daddy doesn’t work on Saturday.” My girl. My girly girl.

Brandon, you seem so strong on the outside sometimes. You too had a tough day. I have to nurture you in such a different way. You don’t express much emotion about your dad but I wonder, what is it that you don’t say. I worry about how to raise you. What to say to you, how strong to be with you, how soft, how gentle. I worry because you are such a sensitive boy and you hurt, but you are so good about holding on, keeping the faith. Do you shrug some things off like I do? Do you resist being harmed by something long term? How do you see things, how do you see me, your dad, what do you think of life, people? Does your relationship with your father do anything for you? If so, what, if not, why not?

I love you guys.

Good night

Mom 12:08

Veiny Little Lies

July 30, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Jan_1_98

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1/1/98 1:24 a.m.

Hey Babes,

I just got in a few minutes ago. I dropped you off at daddy’s for one more day of vacation (Christmas). We were visiting grandma and the family this evening. You are probably most likely aware that there is a problem between your father, Barbara, the Nishinakas and myself. Unfortunately you are too young to understand the complicated, silly, uncaring details of why these problems exist. The bottom line is that once there was a lie that was told. It was a tiny little silly insignificant lie but nonetheless it was a lie. Well, in order to not look bad, in order to not swallow someone’s pride, another lie was told to cover the little lie. Pretty soon there were a whole lotta lies being told and so today your father is in a very difficult, up-the-creek, wretched smelling situation with the family. He, for some reason, tries to convince the world that the world is against him. He tries to convince complete strangers that his family, his friends, his co-workers, everyone is out to do him harm. The sad part about the whole thing is that the only person who continues to hurt him is he himself. Why, no one in the family can figure it out. No one knows why. But now the damage outstretches to you both. His concoctions and notions are stretching their veiny little branches out in your direction. And I refuse to let him reach you with his dilusion.

Emma, you in particular are being hurt by your dad and for some reason you do not want to acknowledge that he is where much of your pain stems from. You need to begin by being honest with yourself. Secondly, you need to ascertain the truth from reliable sources. You need to remove all doubts from your mind about anything. Never be afraid to ask for the truth. I will always give you that.

Brandon, you appear to be holding up well against all of this. You are, on the exterior, so resilient. I truly hope, pray, that you are okay. I wish with all of my strength that you are able to work through your dilem[m]as and/or be able to find the strength to ask for help when you need it.

Darlings, I can not [sic] give you all of the answers. I wish I could just put everything right in front of you and let it sink inside, melt all around you and never leave you. But I can not [sic]. I can only give you what I can, I try for it to be as much as I can carry at a time. I bring a load here and there and try as I might. I had a late start, but I don’t plan on stopping or slowing down so we should be okay on resources for living a good life. You both are the future of the multiple generations of Nishinakas. The line must be carried on, and you must do it sound of mind and heart. Full of peace and love, truth and righteousness. No less than that. You ow it to your grandma. You must show her that her strength continues in you.

Respectfully, Mom (<3OX)

My Essence is Nothing Without You

July 29, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

December 30, 1997

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You are at the Phantom with your father and Barbara. I was Christmas a few days back. and what a wonderful Christmas it was. I keep telling myself and others that I have restored my children’s faith in Santa Clause. And then I think about it and wonder whether you continue to be kind to me and are willing to let me believe you now believe in Santa Claus[e]. You see on Christmas Eve you were home, it was your turn with me for Christmas Eve. I was at first upset with your father but as usual found a way to not live my moment disturbed. I must do something to make your Christmas wonderful here as much as I would be with your father early the next day. I devised a plan. I arranged with George to have dinner with all of us together. I spoke with your uncle Cesar and explained the present layout. I put post-it notes on everything, where it should go, how, in what order. He agreed to come and set everything up while we were having dinner. And then, the big moment. Santa came and was jollying up a storm. He rang bells, he ho! ho! ho’d! loud and merry and you Brandon were so excited. You jumped up on George’s couch and said “Oh my God, he’s here, he came, Santa’s here” Emma my darling you were scared. You climbed on the chair and held your blanket an your thumb close to your mouth and said, “Mommy, I’m scared.” I picked you up and held you and asked you why, said it was just Santa. You said you were scared and Brandon you came to me and held my hand. I told you all we’d better go home and see what was going on and Emma you held onto me so tight. Eager to see, but scared. We walked outside and we could still here Santa shouting Merry Christmas. We looked at the apt. door and the bells were on the floor and the door was open and there were presents everywhere. “Wow” you said, “Santa came!” As we sat on the floor opening presents, unwrapping gifts you kept repeating, he came, he really came. You both went to your stockings and were sad that there was nothing in mine. But I said, “Oh look he left me my present over here, it was too big for the stocking.” You were both so relieved. As you sat back down and continued to open a present you said “Wow, he really came, and all these years I thought it was you.” I was floored, shocked, I laughed. I asked you if all this time you thought it was me, how come you never said anything. You looked at each other and then at me and replied, “because we thought you enjoyed doing it.” I could not believe you. I laughed so deep inside. I laugh deeper every time I remember that moment.

Shortly after Lavinda Kennedy walked in. She was in heaven to see the joy in your faces. She smiled all the way inside her heart. Just then Brandon, you get up and say to me, “Hey mom. Now we share an experience. Remember.” I was not sure of what you were saying. You said, remember, when you were a little girl and you saw glitter, (sprinkles) remember, and now me, I heard him. We share an experience.” I remembered. I remembered so fondly, so warmly, so purely, how could I not. My mama, you were just so happy Santa brought you your Barbie mustang, Barbie dolls, so much glitter in your eyes. You gave me the best hugs. After all the excitement it was time for you to enjoy Christmas at dads, and so soon you left. Emmy, you became sad, I asked if you wanted to take a toy. You quietly, shyly came to the car and the Barbie and meekly pointed to it. I want to put you inside of me sometimes and protect you from the pain that haunts you. Take away your fears. Help you build your self esteem to heights of love and wisdom and cherished compassion that no one will ever take away or hinder. I want to hold you in my arms during those times you feel afraid and tear out from within all that makes you feel that way. You are my mama.

Lord, how I love you both.

My life would come to an end without you. I would just vanish from within, seize to exist. My love, my heart, my essence is nothing without you. I would never allow myself to hurt you. I would hurt anyone who ever harmed you in anyway.

In every heart there is a seed from this seed grows a life powerful, strong, vibrant. The nurturing it enjoys is vital. Without it it would dry up and seize to grow. To[o] much of it, and the same will occur.

I Love You Both

Eternally

Mom

Help Your Generation Be A Better Generation

July 29, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Listen to your heart

July_18_96

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7/18/96 11:45 p.m.

My dearest children,

The world I live in today is a blind one. It is walked upon by people who are presumptuous and arrogant. Not only are they that, but they are also [vainly] arrogant. It is unfortunate. Unfortunate because there is much energy in these people. Somewhat misguided, uncontrolled. They do not stop long enough to listen, or long enough to understand. Opinions, inflated facts, and an understanding of reality – limited to their narrow minded choices of information.

With luck, work and brighter future in mind, your world will not be similar to mine. With hope, your generation will be a much better guided one. One enriched by what you two have to offer.

You will hopefully see beyond the passions which pervert and blind those who do not control them.

We are our own worse enemy my children. Our senses can confuse and control us. Always turn to your hearts and your mind for the answer.

Answer only to your soul – not to the blind. Always listen more than you speak. Listen to what people say and to what they do not say. What they do not say is just as important. You can try to set them straight on some of the facts. But try is all one can do.

Do not push, do not shove. A whisper in a crowd can be heard better than a shouting voice.

Much of this may not make sense, so you may need to ask me what it was all about. I hope that is the case. Remind me I was referring to Common Law and Gregory Fargo and platoon.

Love

Mom

P.S. We had a tough day today, the three of us. But I love you with all of my heart. Incredibly much. Sooo much.

My Wish For You

July 27, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

July_13_96Em

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7/13/96 1:12 a.m.

Emma,

My darling, beautiful daughter. How much I do love you. I look at you and wish you would let yourself be four years old. You are in such a hurry to grow up. Your baby pictures make me wish, yearn for that little girl that is inside and does not want to be. I get desperate just thinking about how much I wish you were my little baby. I did not play with you often enough. I did not hold you often enough, or long enough. So much time has passed and so many things have happened – yet so few things have happened. I have been so busy fighting with you that I have not enjoyed the Emma you are. Soon you will b away and I will not have had you at all. I understand that feisty young girl inside of you. I can see how your fear hides behind your anger. I wish I could take that all away, but I can not. I try to help you guide it, mold it, control it and not let it control you.

You make that so difficult. You fight me every step. I keep hoping that once you start kindergarten you will find a way to con[s]truct your venting. That is my hope. That which you find and my love and understanding will help you find the way – Your way.

You are such a wonderful person. You are incredible. You are so full of fire and spirit – Alive and impatient with the walls that bind you. But you put up your own walls. Your inability to let your self be human is always your undoing. I hope that by the time you get to read this you have overcome and conquered that fear. I do not know what the future holds for me. However, I try to make the best of what we have. I try to make the right choices. I have tried to find someone to fit into our life that will offer more stability, but I have not been successful. I wish to either quit entirely or someday succeed. Not entirely for our benefit but also for mine. Once you and Brandon have left my side this person is all I will have left. So far that person has not happened. Apa has come the closest. In love and soul he touches me deep, where I have not been touched by any other. Yes, not even by your father. Apa feels about many things the way I do. He understands me, and most of all he understand, loves, and respects you – not as a child, but as a human being. People like Apa you will not find very easily in the world. Perhaps by the time you need someone in your life an individual such as he has been cultivated for you. One can only hope that mankind is working today to better the generation of tomorrow. You are that generation, you and your brother.

Work together, work well, each other is all you have that has been a lifetime.

And don’t forget to let yourself be human, and to love – universally.

Love

Mama

July_13_96Br

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7/13/96 1:45 a.m.

My Son,

I looked into your eyes today after raising my voice to you and my heart broke. I love you so much. I crush when ever you are sad. You are such a loving gentle person. Although sometimes you can be a real shit, but you’re only seven and even you need to vent. I am tough on you because I want you to be prepared for life. You are a boy and soon a man, men do not get taught how to be real, simply how to be men. I want you to be both.

Always know how to treat a lady. Especially if she has earned it.

Occasionally you may have to sock your sister in the arm and set her straight on the facts of life. Remind her to love herself, remind her that it’s ok to be human. She is allowed to cry, be angry, be happy and be scared.

Never raise your voice to another person, even if they merit it. Never lie, or cheat or steal. The only person you truly end up doing it to is yourself.

I am not the perfect mother, I am human. The day I become perfect I must be dead and in the kingdom of this higher power we call God. Only there can any one be perfect.

I want so much for you. You are a wonderful human being. Never let anyone take that away from you. Never let anyone tell [you] you’re wrong. Never stop asking questions. Never stop looking for answers. The puzzles you try to put together are of another kind. Keep trying – if the pieces do not fit make new pieces.

Life is too, too short son.

Love

Mom

Conversation With My God

July 26, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

Conversation With My God

Please Be Strong

July 26, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

June_23_96

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6/23/96

My rug rats,

Another busy, wonderful weekend for us. You are now at Daddy’s. I sit here writing memories for you. I am currently out of work and our budget is tight, but we are going to be just fine. You are taking swimming lessons. We have had some fun afternoons playing football. Visiting friends needs to be more a part of our agenda. Greg has been a part of our life for the past few weeks. That part is not going to work out. I feel like he does not understand what I am trying to do with you. Not many people do. Now-a-days raising children in a loving, patient environment is not what many people do. Greg certainly is not one of them. That is too bad. But your moma is not one to let people be impatient with you. I do not care who it is. I love you both. Please be strong.

Brandon, take care of Emma.

Emma, let him.

Love

Moma

It’s Good You’re Fishing

July 25, 2018 / Suzette / 0 Comments

May_24_96

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5/24/96
8:05

My wonderful, wonderful children

You are fishing. Mommy is sitting on Gregory’s bed writing to you. A lot of things have happened in our lives this month. Momma got [a] scholarship to Occidental. She has finished two glorious years at Glendale College and we have survived up until now fairly well. You two are tremendous children in my life. I don’t know what or how or who I would be with out you.

I got fired from Pat & Lorraines, to say the least. They are playing their games with me of cutting hours and shit. So basically we will call it a firing. I will be looking for a new job soon.

Everything is looking real critical for us. New school, new job. New life. I need to really work at a lot of things this summer. There are so many little things. They pile up to one huge backed up thing[s]. I was pretty depressed today. I still am so it is a good thing that you are fishing with daddy – having a good time.

Mommy has a ton of stuff to get out of the way for you.

My things are coming in from Puerto Rico finally. Many things are coming in to place.

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