Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):
11/4/05
We should never be so consumed by our own grief that we do not see the beauty of those around us.
Page 3 of 8
Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):
My dearest children,
Life is at its most trying moment when you look about and see people’s human frailties. You see one day and find that those you least expected have let you down in ways you never imagined. It is so much easier to keep people away. It hurts less. The past three years to four weeks have been especially trying. I’ve tried writing to you about it but I have not had the strength. There has been much turmoil – in many areas of the word. The one most directly related to you has been the possible cessation of karate with Sensei. He took the month of October off and has considered not returning. It is not yet decided, but he believes he should be back. Unfortunately, I will not be back on the floor anytime soon, if ever at all. For reasons I cannot share the favor of not returning to the floor has or will be made by me to your Sensei. It appears that my presence has brought conflict within he and another student – for truly unreasonable and unrealistic reasons. Hence, to lesson the burden, and simplify everyone’s return I have offered to pull myself out of the equation It is hurtful to me because I have been with your Sensei for so long, and I have been his friend. It is perhaps because I am his friend that I offer this most painful resolution, which he has eagerly accepted. His eagerness at my suggestion is perhaps the most upsetting. I feel betrayed. Betrayal because of one careless act. Carelessness reaps regret. So many other things have been difficult as of late. My heart is heavy. My eyes hold back my tears. But not from control but from an inability to cry at times. There is this fear that if I cry I’ll lose it all.
Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):
8-18-05
My greatest fear;
Dying before you two are ready for me to die. If it weren’t for the two of you God knows what my life would be today. I live for the two of you.
My greatest fear;
Anything happening to either one of you. I would die, my world would end, my heart would break, I would be nothing. I pray that God and all the powers that be protect you from harm. Everyday I ask for this as often as I can.
My greatest fear;
Not preparing you for life. Everyday is a learning day. Make it so.
Love Mom
Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):
8-16-05
I look at my parents and I am filled with mixed emotions about what is an acceptable explanation about why their children are out of control, and what is not. Then I wonder, who am I to judge? I try to understand certain situations. And then I hear the explanation and I wonder which part is reason and which part is excuse. The truth is that many of these parents look to us for answers. Many of them look to us to solve their problems. Many look to us to take their problems away. The reason I am telling you two this is because I wonder what I did that made things turn out okay for us. Despite our challenges, despite the banter between us, we’ve done well. None of you are on drugs (I hope), none of you beat people up, none of you are truant, none of you have run away from home. We’ve had our moments, mostly you Emma and I, Brandon occasionally , but all-in-all we’re okay. I hope we continue to improve – I know we will. You two have always driven me – you and the moments when I would become angry about our situation or some unfair or unkind thing your father would do. I would push harder, faster, become stronger. Some people ask me how I do it, or did it. The truth is looking back I do not know, I do not remember. All I know is that I knew what needed to be done and I focused. I did it. And I did it without compromising my values and my dignity. I know who I am, and I am constantly working at being a better person. I try to reflect on my experiences, my thoughts, my actions, my words as I speak them, and I ask for guidance. Mostly what I wish to stress is focus and drive. Stay positive, strong, and good and think about what you’re doing and why.
I Love you guys, Mom!
Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):
8-12-05
As if by writing or not writing or not verbalizing fears and thoughts (I avoid writing them or verbalizing them) I could actually avoid experiencing them. I don’t remember if I have ever written or said anything in the past about my fear of dying before you two are ready. But, if I do I want you to know one thing, I love you as if or as much as the world, universe, and the unknown beyond is big. You are my world. Emma, I wish you would let me hug you more. Brandon, don’t ever feel sad when I’m gone. Be a man. Both of you, one never knows what the world has in store for us. Live a good life. Hopefully, God has great plans for me, still. I wish to be around to fulfill each one of his plans for me. I cannot ever express enough how much I love you both!
LOVE Mom
Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):
7/19/05
Em, you’re with dad for the summer. I hope your vacation is going well and as expected. I know how possessive you can be of your father and how that can feel. I use to always fantasize that if I could just take grandpa away from all the people that make him drink and be careless I could rescue him. I thought that all he needed was to get away. Obviously, that is not how things actually work, and therefore that is not how they worked. I eventually grew up and realized I was not responsible for raising my father. I believe I shared that sentiment with your brother when he was struggling at the age of five with what to do about daddy. I worry that you will grow up with a complex about yourself or your dad and simply have horrible relationships in the future. I know I cannot control your life or the decisions you choose to make. Nevertheless, I can warn you of danger signs. Don’t take responsibility for how others feel, and don’t worry about what people think. You are: beautiful, smart, bright, precocious, you have a great sense of humour, you have presence, you are strong and are an amazing human being. Now, you just need to believe it. The list can go on, I’m sure. I hope by the time you read this you have already figured out all of these things. Just in case, I wrote them down.
Brandon, you said something very interesting to me today. Just a reminder, we cleaned the inside of the car today because it had flies growing out of nowhere. I was making a big deal out of it, because flies are maggots with wings. A sign of rotting carnage, Uggh! I went on about it that you said ~”nothing ever” bothers me, or phases me, or disturbs me and you were surprised to see me go on about the flies. I explained of course that where there are flies, there is something dead. Nevertheless, it surprised me to see that you felt I am so composed about events and life, that was eye opening. Also, you won the query of whether it was Burbank to the left upper corner frame outside my window. This to impressed you and actually made you gloat. Your comment was you usually can never win against me. How large you see me. I’ll have to work on that. I hope by this time I have sorted or balanced some of your views. I am human. I’ve struggled for all of us to be where we are today and tomorrow.
I hope along the way I taught you two how to make it.
Always, always, always, stay together, be together, work through things together. I love you and I always worry about you.
Love Mom
Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):
5/24/05
Well my children, it’s perhaps the first time that you have both shared being in trouble. And while it is for different reasons, you are both sharing the burden of knowing you’ve hurt me.
Emma, for you it is not the first time you fit or tantrum over something, but I usually accept your indirect and irresponsible apology that comes the following day in pretense that nothing is wrong.
Brandon, your error comes in the same form it usually comes, the telling of a lie. I pray for guidance. I have dedicated my life to you two since my separation from your father and I feel as if I have done all and gained no respect from your knowledge and understanding of my actions.
How do I change this? How do I continue from here? What more do you need? I hope and pray that too has a reason, and a positive outcome.
I always say that things occur because they should. I only wish the change that occurrences bring are positive ones.
I work soo hard. I know neither of you yet comprehends all that I do. Hopefully you will never feel my sorrow, pain, and disappointment. Learn from our paths. I know I am not leaving you much, but I have hopefully altered the path my ancestors laid into a richer one. I have hopefully injected your lives with possibilities. Take advantage of all the opportunities that come your way. And above all love, honor and respect yourself and one-another. May God and all the spiritual and universal beings continue to watch over you and guide you and protect you from harms way.
I Love You Both With All My Heart and Soul – Mom 5 ’05
Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):
4/20/05
Hi Babies;
I’ve been sick for the past few days, maybe a week and a few days now. It has been a while since I’ve been sick for such a period of time. I was ill on my birthday, but that only lasted a couple of days. Brandon, I think you’ve grown and matured as of late. You’ve been tucking me in as oppose to the other way around. I hate being sick and not being able to be strong for you both. it really struck me Brandon when you asked me to prepare a tortilla for you. Maybe I read too much into it, but it was almost as if you just wanted me to do something for you that a mother would do. Em, it seems like my mortality is the one thing that brings you around. You’ve tried being nicer. You have certainly had a change in how you approach your school work. You wrote your paper on your book all alone. Muy Proud! Now if I can only get you to feel as confident in all areas of your life. I’m better, but the thought of me aging can’t seem to find its way out of my mind. The truth is I am aging. I don’t take care of myself and I feel it. I’m 38 now, and although my intentions are good, time has gotten away from me.
I want to live long enough to make sure you two are strong and healthy and well on your way. I guess I’ll have to keep my many wishes to take better care of myself.
You two are my universe.
Love, Mom
Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):
4/5/05
Dear God!
Give me strength.
Typed Text From Journal Page (spelling errors may have been corrected):
2/14/05 12:12
I’ve just finished entering my assignments into my calendar so as to take a bird’s eye view of all of my “stuff”. It’s going to be a long year. And I’ve no idea how I’m going to make it. I’m tired. I keep trying to think of ways to get more energy. I just can’t see any. I keep hoping that by doing all that I do the day will come when I won’t feel so tired.
I worry so much about leaving you guys without a chance to live. I worry about dying too young, before you’re ready to be without me. I want to “clear up” all my stuff before I let you go – or leave your world.
I don’t know how my soul would rest if I left you too soon.
I love you two soo much – You are my everything. Someday, you too will know this feeling of joy.
Follow