not just the hits
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5/14/96
My children, my loves, my life. We have traveled a long, hard, narrow road. Nothing but good things can happen to us now.
Together we have come this far.
Together we will go the distance.
No one ever said life was easy, that is not news.
But life is interesting, Crisis #12 Silvio tells it all.
Las cosas en nuestra vida siempre seran sagradas. Nunca las desperdicien.
Con Amor
Su Mama
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dear Brandon and Emma
this is not the first letter or note I may have written to you, but it is the first entry in an official log for you to keep.
many things have happened in your lives that today make you who you are. you are people of great character today and when you read these pages you will still be.
I am writing to you together in this book because I hope you two will always remain together. I hope this book will be a single of many bonds you have keeping you together today as children I express anxiety, distress when I see the two of you argue or fight. that is only because I wish for the two of you to recognize who and what you are in each others lives. when I no longer am in between the two of you, either pulling you apart or pulling you together I hope the pages to come will be there in my place.
my love for the two of you is eternal and infin[i]tely large. for your sister tory as well. I hope that as you read these pages, or future ones, you find yourselves together. I also write to her, in another book, perhaps you can sit and compare my thought for each of you. Perhaps you can better understand me through these pages and this ink.
this book, and future ones like it, are intended to help you reflect upon those things you find yourself not understanding. Perhaps things you do not understand today as you read or things you remember from our past.
if you find me making reference to a single person in these writings do not try to figure out who I am speaking of if I do not make mention of a name. the contents of these pages are intended for both of you. together you must, together, through these pages you will also better understand me. I know it is difficult. I am a person with many passions, many thoughts, many dreams. I strive for much too much sometimes and other not enough. I hope someday I will have learned how to measure my steps and reaches. If I do not perhaps I am not to do anything different than I already am.
I shall leave this note for the time being.
With much love
Mom
1-10-96 10:05 pm.
I Need Routine
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Hello my darlings (scribble)
Weird, I know. It’s my own sort of code, “Ha!, Hmmm?)” Whatever. You have had a couple of good days. We had Parent Conference a couple of nights ago and you guys were great. Your teachers are all so happy with you. Emma, you are truly becoming – you fight it, but everyone is so happy with you. Drama, writing in Humanities, you got physics credit or some such thin – and math – Wow-Algebra 2 next year. But you fight it. I let your teachers know you didn’t want to go there next year, but it is not an option. I think you feel better. Brandon, you don’t know it yet, but Syd said you got picked by the actor guy…from your rehearsal. We’ll see if they follow through – That’s what she whispered in my ear. In the meantime, you two are doing well with each other. Love Mom.
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You probably at this point are wondering what Milton’s role or Nancy’s role are in my life. They are both in it, but how, to what degree, and why? The truth is that they probably feel they are more in my life than I give them room for. The truth to me is that I’ve never, thus far, felt my life and future belonged to any one partner. To this very moment my life belongs to the two of you – no one else. I do desire someone in my life – “fantasy” would have someone phenomenal, amazing, magical. At this moment in my world there is no one that works that way. Milton makes CD’s and boxes, and jewelry. Nancy is humble, honest, predictable. Anyone else would have some other find quality to them. The “truth” reality, sadness of it all is that now one impresses me. My feeling is that we are in a good place at this moment. I do, at times, wonder what if…when I remember/think of Hector. But… And that is the standard. Don’t do this when you grow older and more “jaded”. Live, Love, ad Enjoy every person you are with, when you are with them. And move on. Everyone you meet will have something to offer you. You loved ones will have something you can take with you. Don’t dwell on what you didn’t get. This is always easier said than done. But it is necessary.
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I was wondering what I look like to you two from where you see. I see myself aging, sagging south, losing hair, “fighting” the midriff bulge that appears at thirty-something, somehow trying to convince myself I can slow the process down. For perspective on when today is, tomorrow is your end-of-year performance at RenArts, your first one, graduation for South Pas is on Thursday, and Emma you’ve yet to decide what is best for Emma with regards to going to see the “girls”. We continue to work through, working through. Emma-trying to better prepare for your high stress moments and your stressed stress moments, and your stressed moments. It seems like there is always something, but I worry you will always be too stressed to handle “it” with a level head. Brandon, I worry you will always pretend you are cooler and more in control, when in fact you are so similar to Emma. You two need to balance each other out. Well, back to me. Brandon, I know you notice me aging, and I hope I am not disappointing you. I know you want me to keep up in Karate, but is it because you “expect more” as you say, or is it that you are uncomfortable with me not keeping up – too much a reminder that I am aging? Em, I don’t think you even notice. You don’t pay attention to very much of my “stuff”, and I hope you don’t wake up someday and realize I am old, decrepit, and senile and you don’t remember me any other way. Worse would be you feeling that you missed out. I hope that never happens. Nevertheless, I do wonder how the two of you see me now, and will see me in my winter. I hope you know, by the time you read these pages, that my every moment was lived and thought with you in mind. I am trying to keep myself fitter than say five or even ten years ago – but I am beginning to feel my age. I am young, but an old thirty-eight. It almost surprises me that I am my age. It somehow crept up on me. In two years I’ll be forty, and I wish to celebrate with a healthy mind and body. I wish I could live for as long as you will need me, but I’ll have to settle for as long as I will – and hope I can make that a long while. I pray for us every night and everyday. I’ll pray for you forever. I love you both – Mom
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My Lives
It has been a long week and it certainly was a long day. You both had your presentations today and you performed with flying colors. Your teachers are all incredibly pleased with you all/both, and I am excited for you. Em, I have shared with you that I think, after all that has happened, that you are afraid of success. The more I watch and listen the stronger this impression becomes. I cannot help but begin yet on a new mission to help guide you through if in fact we find this to be true. It is my new theory given the fact that on the one hand you show growth, express excitement, share new learning, glow over but yet you claim unhappiness with no known source and a desire to leave. I can’t help to wonder if you want to escape all the positive growth because you are afraid to succeed. How do I help[?] Brandon, you are showing growth through leadership. You turned in your first job application, you are conducting for Maggie, leading boys dance teams, and hopefully, recognizing that you have gifts to share, you both do, and it should be a goal, a mission, to do that. Our purpose in life should be to leave where you’ve been a better place. Touch it with your gifts and leave your magic. I will leave you very little, but I hope it’s quality will last beyond a lifetime.
You guys are my world.
Mom
This day was a holiday. According to the journal entry, we didn’t do much and I felt it was a “taskless day”, lost without routine and something to keep us grounded.
Read on.
Love,
Mom
These we’re sort of my guides, my go to’s. The one not listed, didn’t need to be at the time because it was already a part of my mental constitution -Be a person of integrity, no matter how difficult.
Tenets
05/29/05
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