Jan_5_98

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1/5/98 10:04

My darlings,

I hear you cough in the next room, rustle the blankets, look for sleep to fall onto your eyes.  What do you think of as you lie in your beds waiting for sleep to come.  Do you listen to my movements as I do yours.  Do you wonder what I am doing as I write about you in the next room unbeknownst to you. Do you wonder why I do not let you stay up with me, as I struggle to make the most out of the hours that I find for myself at the end of the day.  And even those are spent for you.  Thinking about you, loving you, planning fro you, wanting only the best for you.  I struggle with my self every single day.  I try to be good, I wonder if I truly am, I try to be honest and fair, teach you right, wrong, okay, exceptions to the rules, absolutes, maybes.

Emma, this afternoon you spoke of going with daddy this weekend.  I encouraged your thoughts, you feel like you should love him so.  We wished he would stay home with you and not work.  I said, “let’s cross our fingers.” You responded, “okay, tonight when I suck on my blankie I’ll have my thumb in my mouth and my other fingers crossed, like this.” As you displayed your planned pose for the evening.  We ate dinner, you bathed, you played, and come time for you to finally fall asleep – after a talk and night-night songs – you crossed your fingers and began to suckly your thumb.  I asked you why were we suppose to cross our fingers and you said, “for no scary thoughts and so daddy doesn’t work on Saturday.” My girl.  My girly girl.

Brandon, you seem so strong on the outside sometimes.  You too had a tough day.  I have to nurture you in such a different way.  You don’t express much emotion about your dad but I wonder, what is it that you don’t say.  I worry about how to raise you.  What to say to you, how strong to be with you, how soft, how gentle.  I worry because you are such a sensitive boy and you hurt, but you are so good about holding on, keeping the faith.  Do you shrug some things off like I do? Do you resist being harmed by something long term? How do you see things, how do you see me, your dad, what do you think of life, people? Does your relationship with your father do anything for you? If so, what, if not, why not?

I love you guys.

Good night

Mom 12:08