June_13_05

Typed Text From Journal Page:

I was wondering what I look like to you two from where you see.  I see myself aging, sagging south, losing hair, “fighting” the midriff bulge that appears at thirty-something, somehow trying to convince myself I can slow the process down.  For perspective on when today is, tomorrow is your end-of-year performance at RenArts, your first one, graduation for South Pas is on Thursday, and Emma you’ve yet to decide what is best for Emma with regards to going to see the “girls”.  We continue to work through, working through.  Emma-trying to better prepare for your high stress moments and your stressed stress moments, and your stressed moments.  It seems like there is always something, but I worry you will always be too stressed to handle “it” with a level head.  Brandon, I worry you will always pretend you are cooler and more in control, when in fact you are so similar to Emma.  You two need to balance each other out.  Well, back to me.  Brandon, I know you notice me aging, and I hope I am not disappointing you.  I know you want me to keep up in Karate, but is it because you “expect more” as you say, or is it that you are uncomfortable with me not keeping up – too much a reminder that I am aging?  Em, I don’t think you even notice.  You don’t pay attention to very much of my “stuff”, and I hope you don’t wake up someday and realize I am old, decrepit, and senile and you don’t remember me any other way.  Worse would be you feeling that you missed out.  I hope that never happens.  Nevertheless, I do wonder how the two of you see me now, and will see me in my winter.  I hope you know, by the time you read these pages, that my every moment was lived and thought with you in mind.  I am trying to keep myself fitter than say five or even ten years ago – but I am beginning to feel my age.  I am young, but an old thirty-eight.  It almost surprises me that I am my age.  It somehow crept up on me.  In two years I’ll be forty, and I wish to celebrate with a healthy mind and body.  I wish I could live for as long as you will need me, but I’ll have to settle for as long as I will – and hope I can make that a long while.  I pray for us every night and everyday.  I’ll pray for you forever.  I love you both – Mom