It’ll be four years this June since we’ve been separated. Four years. Who does that? Who waits four years for their spouse to wake up and say, “You know what hunny, I’ve been crazy all this time and I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking when I let you walk out that door.”
Although, I haven’t really held him accountable for a four year separation. It’s been more like we’ve been living apart and because of the grandkids or the step-kids we found these excuses to get together. While not a good time would be had by all – I would begrudgingly be upset that he was there, while at the same time be glad – I would think that maybe he’d see what the hell he was missing and want to work on making things right. Wow! Am I a bit screwed up, or a lot screwed up? Or, just hopeful?
We are weeks away from our four years and I’ve decided that too much time has past, not enough amends have been made and I’m moving forward with the divorce. While I have said this before, it feels different this time. This time I feel the same way I felt when I decided to move out. I felt, well, decided, resolved, without doubt. All I needed/need to do is do it. The other feeling that is lurking around is loneliness. I now feel loneliness. I guess in the past, I’d come home and find some craft to do – a card, a mache bowl, a resin tile, something. I knew that inevitably my phone would ping and he’d find some reason to come over, I wouldn’t deny him, I’d be upset about it, but then not and we’d have an excuse for him to be here and me to have his company. You see – I still love my husband. I love him very much. But I must also have boundaries and limits and I value myself as well. I want to be loved by him like I love him, maybe that’s not realistic, real or possible. But, I also want to be respected by him. And I want him to command respect for me from those around us. He does not.
It’s always the same. We talk it out. We lay out the concerns – mostly mine. He voices understanding and agreement, vows improvement, and within a few days or weeks we’re back to square one. I tell him I’m tired of going in circles and ask him to leave, only to do it again a month or so later – for FOUR years. Only this time, this time I’ve surrendered and I know that what I’m asking is beyond him to give me. There is something beyond needing to be a better husband that is driving his choices. Something with which neither I nor he can compete. Maybe he knows what that something is and he’s just not open, maybe he doesn’t. I don’t know what it is. But if a four year quasi-separation hasn’t brought about salvation for this marriage, then it’s time to let it go. I do not want to live my life waiting to be a priority for my husband. My husband can’t live his life waiting for me to settle for what he can give.
I’m in no way ready to move on and find myself another guy. But I’m realizing that I’ve been without a guy for four years. The sporadic week here and there and occasional mediocre sex does not a relationship make or a marriage fix. It’s been this weird boyfriend/girlfriend, 14-21 year old type of make-up/break-up/makeup “thing”. Every time we start back up and break back up we start the healing clock again.
It’s time.
I’m emailing or commenting again because I was supposed to find this blog. I actually wanted the name for a variety talk show but you’ve gone and made it into a living diary sigh…. kidding about the diary part that it…
But no really, what you say is true! I am in a very similar situation. Have been for years. We can’t agree on anything, but we’re soulmates. Yes I believe in that crazy thing called soulmates but I believe in it on an eastern philosophy level. Not this American fairytale idea of how dreamy it would be to find a soulmate. Now I honestly believe we have taught each other what we needed to know in his lifetime and it’s time to move on to another lesson. Maybe I’m the teacher. Maybe I’m the student and a new teacher comes along. I don’t know. I know I’m tired of being the tail and not the head of the house. I know I’m tired of being tired. I hate seeing her hurt too. Things get complicated when kids are involved. When egos are involved. Perhaps I’ll stop holding myself back in order to be what everyone else needs here (because clearly no one needs me here. They barely interact with me) and find that dream position that maximizes my talents so I can shine in life.
So, now that you’ve placed your story out into the world and garnered a response it’s time for that lonely feeling you have to go away. Theres someone else just as confused and messed up as you. 😀🤷♀️ It is what it is, but you’ll figure it out. As will I.
So you weren’t expecting a comment in this very public diary called a blog, but I found it and now I’m gonna comment. It looks like you’ve got some really tough decisions to make. Clearly you still love him. Clearly he still loves you but it seems like neither one of you have grown internally enough to demand more. When will that happen? I’m big on waiting for love and waiting for those you love to catch up but honey there’s no guarantee you’re gonna be alive while you’re they’re taking this time apart for granted. If you believe that your latter days are better days then you’ll start to look forward to tomorrow instead of hanging on to yesterday. He may get it together and you may get it together but live breathing versus holding your breath.
That is all
Thank you. I appreciate your thoughts. Yes. There is still love. But you are correct in stating to “live breathing versus holding [my] breath”. I share my private thoughts and struggles in this very public space because I know I’m not alone. Perhaps others, like yourself, can offer words of wisdom or perhaps others will read and find solidarity in knowing they are not alone. Thank you for reading. Thank you for commenting. Be well.